Self-Love or What to Do When You Fall Down the Rabbit Hole of Negative Self-Talk (Queer Edition)

Flower Magic photo by Sofia Rose Smith

Do you ever have those days when you feel too tired to function? Too sleepy to feel inspired? Too emo to be productive? (of course you do, because we all do).

So, yesterday could have been like that for me.

I definitely didn't get enough sleep, and when that happens I have a running commentary in my brain about how tired I am. Like, a persistent complaint (but that little negative voice has started to annoy me).

So what I chose to do differently on this day of negative self-talk was to get into action. I started a new networking group for queer women entrepreneurs, washed my hair, got my dress hemmed, and came to write at a coffee shop.

As a flow-y Pisces moon {all the emo} and a super earthy grounded Taurus sun, ACTION doesn't always come super easily for me. Like, I'm that person who dreams. Who takes their time. Who visions, but doesn't always get the nuts and bolts hammered down.

And that my friends is why I need a team.
Why I can't always do it alone.
Why I actually have no interest in going it alone.

Do you have a team? Do you have folks who help get you into action when you're feeling uninspired? Who are they? Do you have some systems in place to reach out to them when you need to?

I've never been the kind of person who thrives in isolation (even though I can be quite introverted). I NEED PEOPLE. I love people. People inspire me. Connection drives me. And so I invest time and money into that which uplifts and empowers me.

The other night, I slept a tousled and incomplete slumber. I may have been dreaming about babies, maybe something else.

I think there may have been some *feelings* I was having about being queer and parenthood. Maybe there were some swirls happening about what my own parenting experience will feel like with my beloved. Will it feel the same as my straight friends and family? Will it feel supported? Will my family members see my (future) child as my spouse's child too, or not as much because it won't be made from our combined biological material? Will my baby niece call my boo Uncle or Auntie or Neither (cuz hey, they use they pronouns and are super genderqueer). All these thoughts were swirling around in my head and starting to get in my way. They were starting to derail me and inch me towards a feeling of being less than, not enough or incomplete somehow.

And even though I wasn't planning on writing about that today, I feel like it's important as queer folks to be transparent about these prickly feelings. Like, this is how internalized homophobia and transphobia work: they get in our heads and *almost* rob us of our power.

But, again and again, I bring my attention to these thoughts and ask them to please leave. I see them, I feel them, I might talk to my team about them, but I will not give my life over to them. I will always find ways to open up to joy. I will always believe in my ability to return to my power and magic. To my team. My brilliant and loving community. My pen, my writing, my heart.

Today, I set the intention to write from love. And that is what I hope I did. Because I love you, all of you. And I love me. And I will never give up on that love for myself or for any of us.

People will try and tell us that self-love is not radical. And, those people will always be wrong.

Because self-love -- especially for women, queer folks and people of color -- is a direct action against the forces that attempt to make us small; those same forces that we have internalized for many generations.

Self-love is us saying YES to ourselves and every single beautiful thing about us.

Saying Yes again and again.

It's saying No to anything that discounts our worth.

All this week, the Spirit of my baby niece (who's in my sister's womb) has been coming to me. She came to sit in my arms in meditation. She came to be in ceremony with me when I sweat over the weekend. She comes to hang out with me and I see her everywhere.

And even though I AM ENOUGH of a reason to deepen this practice of self-love, and go deep with it, I'm also doing it for her.

I'm doing it for me but also for all of our future babies who I want to pass this on to.

Anyhoo, that is all for now my loves. Tune into the frequency of love for yourself {& everyone} this week.

Here's a 5-minute self-love meditation I recorded to uplift you. <3

I am sending you so much love as always.

Share in the comments below how you move through any negative self-talk.