Shortly after Donald Trump's election, according to news reports, federal scientists scrambled to back up their climate data, the words "climate change" were deleted from government documents and some of the climate change material on government web sites disappeared. The following announcement is "fake news", but we should not be surprised if it becomes real news real soon.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Donald Trump signed an executive order today to launch "Project Sun Dial", a campaign to ban what the president called "meteorological negativity".
"From now on, my Administration is going to count only sunny days," Trump said as he signed the order. "We have all the best weather here but the dishonest media won't report it." Trump called his directive "the most important presidential action in the history of America, maybe in the history of weather."
The order directs federal agencies to stop using the following seven words in their communications and official documents:
Disaster: "This word can no longer be used in connection with the weather," the order says. "However, it can be used to describe everything that happened in the Obama Administration."
Hurricane: "These incidents should not be attributed to changes in the climate," Trump said. "I have it on good authority from Steve Bannon that these storms are God's punishment for same-sex marriages."
Flood: 'There is absolutely no connection between all these floods and global warming, even if you believe in global warming," the president said. "We get some excess water now and then. Maybe the sandbag industry is behind it. I don't know. But it's possible."
Drought: "I admit that some places get a little dry, but it's no big deal. I have directed our engineers to take all the excess water and move it to the dry places. Problem solved."
Science: "There is too much fake knowledge coming from so-called scientists," Trump said. "They are just a bunch of people who think they're smart. I'm a smart person. I know more than all the scientists. I don't need those people telling me the same thing over and over again. Besides, look how often those weather people on television get it wrong. They are just guessing. So sad."
Clean energy or renewable energy: "Everybody says that solar energy is renewable and fossil fuels are not. It's a fake fact. We all know that the sun will self-destruct in 5 billion years. Oops. No more solar energy. My administration has an 'all of the above' energy policy, except for these so-called 'clean energies'. Coal is clean. Oil is clean. So what's the issue?"
Climate change (aka "global warming"): "This is the biggest hoax in the history of the world," Trump claimed, "especially this part about how humans are causing it. It's called an-throw-poe-gen-ick, which I remember because I have all the best words. This idea that we can do things to the weather is ridiculous. We can't even control rush-hour traffic."
Although the executive order applies only to federal agencies and workers, Trump said he will direct the Federal Communications Commission to classify the seven words as profane and to fine broadcasters who use them on the air.
Asked whether this latest directive could be considered a violation of free speech, Trump thought for a moment and responded, "I don't like those words, either. I'll have Bannon write up another executive order."