It broke my heart a little.
It broke my heart a little to hear it out loud. In that moment, his eyes fixed on mine, it broke my heart to hear the words I already knew. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Louie, but given what your body has been through, another child would not be possible."
He sat across me in his crisp white coat and walked me slowly through the science. I watched his lips movie, but I didn't hear a sound. In that moment, the warrior within me lost her breath a little. I couldn't help myself. I let a tear fall down my face.
It really surprised me, this single tear. It surprised me because there was nothing this man was saying that I didn't already know. Fifteen rounds of chemotherapy, 15 rounds of radiation, pain so indescribable it pulled me to my knees. I knew all of this long before this moment across in his office. So the single tear surprised me. The broken heart surprised me.
I know I am lucky. I preach it. I celebrate it. I remind myself daily to choose gratitude over greed. I have been so very blessed, and wanting more seemed selfish. So I guess I kept this impossible hope somewhere deep within me. I kept it hidden where summertime can thrive in the midst of winter. Across the table from the white coat, I realized that summertime would not win that day. The tear fell down my face.
The moments of our life are not created equal. Most days pass by unnoticed. Some born into the shadow of defeat and others light the night with fireworks. It's the fireworks in our lives that give us the strength to turn the page -- even in the midst of winter.
My son, Donovan, was born on a quiet Tuesday afternoon in a bright room overlooking the mountains. Matt held a video camera in one hand, and victoriously shouted, "Welcome! Welcome!" as the nurses placed little D into my arms. I had never held a baby before, and I almost wondered why they trusted me with him. I cradled him close against my beating heart so tight that his soft breath was the only sound I could hear. Matt and I beamed with joy in its purest, most vulnerable form. In that sweet moment, I discovered love like I never knew possible. I was granted a lifetime of summertimes against all odds.
