Kailyn
Kailyn wants to visit her friend Kim at Penn State, but since Jordan has trust issues, he's making things complicated. "I just don't see the need," he says, looking down at the table. Poor Jordan. He feels so many feelings but knows so few words.
"I feel kind of smothered," she explains to a fellow greasy-haired friend. I swear, she must meet these people in No Showering Anonymous, or at an Anti-Cleanliness rally (no standing anywhere near a soapbox). "You've never really been single," Stick of Butter on Two Legs points out, listing the string of boyfriends and eventual baby daddy in Kailyn's life. Kailyn knows she's just not that into Jordan, but she fears he'll start sniffing around a new dog park if she lets him off the leash. She's stuck between a rock and a really dumb, approx. 6'1 place. Staying with Jordan means she has someone to co-parent with and sleep next to at night -- but at the end of the day, she knows that he's just taking up space in her life, not her heart. God damn, I'm good. Someone give me a book deal so I can help Kailyn put out an incredibly deep novel titled "How to Wash That Man Outta Your Hair (Without Washing Your Hair).
Later, Kailyn calls Jordan to tell him about her plans with pals. He asks if there will be guys (uh, it's the world and they are sort of around) and if she will talk to them or look at them or breathe their air. "You're kind of shady about stuff," he says. She rambles on about how he has to trust her, and he sounds skeptical. She reminds him that she won't cheat on him again, and he's not convinced. She says "I'm just going out for food" and he totally buys that because ... come on. Kailyn's always going out for food.
Since things have gotten even more difficult, Kailyn asks Jordan to come over and talk. Literally the second he's in the door, she's bombarding him with the whole "it's over" chat. Since it's hard for him to understand basic concepts like "together" or "not together," she really spells it out. "It would be best if you did not come over here and spend the night," she says slowly.
"So is this like a break up, or just a break?" Jordan says pitifully. "If someone were to ask if we were together, what would your response be?" Kailyn says she would say "we are not currently together." She's not interested in other guys, she just wants some time to, uh, not be with you, Jordan.
"Are you going to change Facebook?" he says frantically. Everyone knows that suddenly going from "in a relationship" to "single" is kind of like setting a third, unspoken "hey everyone with boy parts, let's bang now please" status. Kailyn says she won't be changing that ... so basically, Jordan's still pretty convinced that they are together forever and sooo happy.
Now that Kailyn is free from Jordan, she's got more time to go out with her friends and eat. She's even curled her hair for the evening's portion of chicken teriyaki. "When I'm home by myself I miss him," she says as she molests her chopsticks.
After some time apart, Kailyn asks Jordan to meet her at Pizza Joe. When she pulls into the parking lot, she gives him a call -- and she's shocked to hear that he's not coming. Maybe next time pick a place that doesn't have your ex boyfriend built into the name? "Something else came up," Jordan says as casually as someone who is not bright enough to pull off a lie can. "Hangin' out with someone else," he mumbles.
Kailyn is livid. "You're the one that wanted the break," he reminds her. Jordan, my dear sweet boy. It's "you're the one WHO wanted a break." If you're going to be shady, at least invite grammar to the party. It won't try to dump you. It loves you, and will give you another chance.
Leah
It seems like life is looking up for Leah. She got into school, she found a babysitter, she's talking to a boy (Jeremy) on Facebook who hasn't yet gotten her pregnant (yet). But even with these spots of happiness, she's still a teen mom to twins -- and that means babies crying all night and constantly feeling drained.
During the commercial break, Leah found time to put some more red streaks in her hair. Friend K-K has maimed a poor woman, scalped her, and then glued it to a large '80s headband. Overall, the effect is unsettling.
Leah breaks out the old "going through a divorce was hard" convo and pretends like texting Jeremy is really hard and forward and not at all her style. Girlfriend, you've got two babies and you're like, 12 ... the jig is up.
He asks if she wants to hang out on Friday night and she's like "yes." Then he's like "awesome, I heard through MTV that you put out."
Finally, it's date night. Jeremy comes to Leah's door in a shirt that says "In God's Hands" -- which is kind of weirdly ironic considering (spoiler alert) they are currently married and expecting a bundle of joy. Apparently God's Hands have made Leah amazingly fertile.
Jeremy, who is pretty much just Corey with a few more chromosomes, brings her to race go-carts. Afterward, she gets the scoop on his interesting life. Jeremy works "out of town, on a pipeline," which is a thing that I thought stopped in the 1800s. Leah brings up her girls and her ex, because nothing makes better first date small talk than toddlers and heartache.
Things are going well, so they play skee ball, throw basketballs and go into a photo booth. It's all very exciting if your idea of a good day is being about 10 years old, or not getting puked on by babies, or being asked for a divorce. Jeremy walks her right up to her trailer door, which is easy since it's just 2 or 3 inches off the ground. They smooch, and you can practically see the butterflies zip out of Leah's brain. She's so happy she could just bake a unicorn cake full of cuddles and eat it right up.
The excitement of the night takes a back seat as Leah prepares for her first day at school. She leaves her screaming babies with poor family friend Kathy, who has enough problems with that 'Sister Wives' polygamist hairdo without adding two children into the mix.
Class went well, but Leah's having a tough time not knowing anyone except the camera crew that's filming her every move. She calls Kathy Wife to see how the girls are doing. She's happy to hear that they are allegedly having a bubble bath and tons of fun. I say "allegedly" because I can picture that woman putting them immediately to work while she finds some more clips to hold back her mullet.
Jenelle
With Jace's second birthday coming up, Jenelle's trying her hardest to be nice to her mom -- but that doesn't mean she's confiding in her. She calls up nemesis-turned-friend Tori to talk. They must have sworn on sparkles and herpes at the Ke$ha concert to be BFF because they are wearing the exact same shade of bright pink! Turns out devastatingly stupid, completely fried brains also think alike.
Jenelle's got a brilliant idea: She'd like to write to her probation officer telling her that "I will not smoke no more ... and if I fail to do that, she can lock me up and give me no more chances." Tori reminds her that passing a drug test is important too, though it's hard -- and she should know. "It took me like 12 drug tests before I started passing them," she says sagely.
Staying sober is Jenelle's version of being water-boarded, but she knows she has to clean up her act for Jace, since he's at the age where he understands what's going on around him. She also says, quite calmly, that her mom is trying to do what's best for her ... and now we know she must be like, super mega high on some real good shit.
Tori knows that the only way Jenelle will get through this is if they make a pact to quit smoking the weed. They seal the deal with a handshake, then probably inject themselves with some heroin. What, it's not the weed!
"Whatdidja put in tha lettah?" Bahhbrahh asks Jenelle as she hunches over her computer. Jenelle proceeds to read her passionate note that, as far as I can tell, is one extremely long sentence with the phrase "whatever his dreams desire."
As her dog tag necklace dangles over her keyboard, I'm struck by the beautiful symbolism. She's fighting in an army against weed -- and though it has won many, many battles, it will not win the war. Alright let's be serious. It will probably win the war, and Jenelle will likely pull a Benedict Arnold and switch sides in a haze of smoke and a "dude ... where's my battalion?"
After dropping the letter off, Jenelle goes to buy Jace his birthday present: A slip 'n' slide that he can get violently hurt on! As they hang up decorations, Jenelle and her mom kindly remind Jace that "everyone missed your birthday," including his dad who he doesn't know. I'm not sure that it's ever necessary to remind the baby of the hour that he's totally alone and screwed through and through, but I'm also not a parent. Maybe there's a manual you get in the hospital, and that information is wedged between "How to Keep Your Child Mute" and "Ensuring a Future of Petty Crime."
Though she had a happy day, Jenelle's mind is still on her possible trip to the big house. Then, her phone rings. It's her potentially fake lawyer, Dustin. He's got some great news: Somehow, the probation officer has decided to give Jenelle another chance. Me thinks the probation officer may have a drug problem of her own. She's obviously hooked on the big D -- denial. "A cat has 9 lives, I think you just picked up a tenth," a bewildered Dustin says.
"You lucked ouht!," Bahhbrahh says. Jenelle reminds her that this is all pretty much thanks to the pact she and Tori made. "Don't ruin your life ovah some marawajhna," Bahhbrahh reinforces. Then, Bahhbrahh leans in for a hug, and their entire little family takes a break from bitter hatred and gets super snuggly. Looks like they're all stoned on love -- and that's a substance you can't go to jail for. Well, I mean, on 'To Catch a Predator' you can, but that's another story, kids.
Then, some random dude tells Leah she has a package -- and it turns out to be flowers from Jeremy! She beams as she reads the card and sends him a thank you text. "I just want you to have a good day," he replies. We know, Jeremy. The card said "Hope You Are Having a Great Day." We get that you'd like her to have a super-eminent diurnal course. You can relax now.
Chelsea
Well, Chelsea got dumped by Adam for the 500th time. At this point, I'm pretty sure he just has a break up answering service that he pre-programs with some realistic pauses and plays when he sees her name on his screen. He tells her "it's not working out, you have your dad to blame for this" ... and then hangs up.
Poor Chelsea buries her face in her hands and cries before asking Aubree for a hug. Maybe she's born with it, maybe girlfriend really freaking needs to invest in some waterproof mascara. Please, can a beauty rep take pity on our girl and send a care package?
In her grief, Chelsea heads to visit her dear old dad. "I'm single," she says. "You can be involved, just not THAT involved," she spits. "Did he help you pay some bills? Some rent? Some cable?" her dad asks. Uh, no dad, but can I remind you about the ring he found in a 99-cent machine and spit shined? That ring means so much more than money or love or support or calling me or wanting to BE WITH ME could POSSIBLY MEAN.
"Well, at least through all of this I'm still rocking my GED," Chelsea says. Uhm ... last I checked she had only passed practice tests and it's been like, a 45 year process, but that's OK. "He's an anchor you keep dragging with you," dad says sensibly. "If this is how he treats the people he loves ... you gotta worry about this little one as she gets older." That seems to hit home, and Chelsea actually closes her mouth for the first time in that entire scene.
Since Chelsea's really lonely, she decides to put all of her unused love into a creature that cannot break up with her, or speak; a puppy!!! Meanwhile, Adam copes like most dirtbags: By getting a new tattoo from an ex-convict in an upstairs bedroom. "It feels good to be free and like, go out and drink with my friends," he says. "As far as being single right now, I wanna stay that way." How could you blame him? It's obvious that he was really being smothered by Chelsea's unconditional love, and totally didn't have enough "Adam" time. Now, he's finally free to shave some more interesting lines and circles into his beard.
When Chelsea's knight in shining douche bags isn't around, it's like she completely deflates. She's just laying in bed looking like a scorching hot mess, surrounded by so many dogs we have never seen before and will likely never see again. What is it with these girls and their disposable pets? Do they just go out back and Old Yeller 'em when they outgrow their tiniest sweaters? RIP, every creature we've ever seen briefly.
She calls pal Erika (who is aptly wearing a sweatshirt that says 'Lifeguard') to her boudoir. "Since me and Adam broke up, I haven't even cried or anything," she squeaks as she struggles to open her swollen eyes. "I hold everything in, then all of a sudden I lose it." She says she's definitely not going to take the GED today, then launches into a diatribe about why she can't get over Adam.
"Aubree's always asking about him. And what do I say? I just want to tell Aubree that I tried, and that I was nice to him." Geez, Chelsea. Don't you know that this show is supposed to make viewers feel haughtily superior? If we're actually feeling super bad for you, the experience is simply not as pleasurable. You look like you are dying and I'm feeling depressed now and that makes torturing you a lot less rewarding. Quick, do something funny with your hair! Or wait, get a zit so big you could enroll it in pre-school with Aubree! That always cheers me up.
Instead, she just lies in bed, probably wondering if anyone knows where that new tiny dog went.
"Teen Mom" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.