Chelsea
Because it's Chelsea's first day at Black Plague Beauty School, she's going all out with her makeup. She's purchased a sexy new 'jaundice' shade of concealer, 'cause "renal failure" is her absolute favorite look. She's also applied eye shadow to the sides of her face, because beauty is 100% on top of your skin, and your skin should look between 20 and 30 layers thick.
Though it's also Aubree's first day at pre-school, she's much less high maintenance. Girlfriend just needs a quickie diaper change and she's ready to mix it up. Ain't nothing like those easy, breezy, almost-potty-trained cover girls. Later we learn that her pre-school is called Truks-n-Trykes. That is neither here nor there, but it feels important to note.
At Chelsea's first class, Mannequin Heads Are Horrifying, Chelsea practices "mingling." (Not kidding.) Her teacher, Ms. Monica, is definitely an after-hours sex worker, and that's a compliment. She's quite striking, though not exactly a natural beauty. Also, either Kate Gosselin personally styled everyone's hair, or everyone around Chelsea came straight from Advanced Gel Crimes 201.
Since it's been a week since her saucy night of unrequited love and very requited sexual intercourse, Chelsea's worried (cough secretly very hopeful cough) that she might be pregnant with evil spawn's second child. If that was the case, like, she would have no idea what to do, besides assume that he'd stay with her forever and all his past sins would be washed clean. I've never seen a girl look more hopefully terrified about a positive pregnancy test ... but then again, I've just never really seen a girl who looks like Chelsea, either.
Leah
While her children abuse their various dogs, Leah relives her disappointing talk with Corey. When she was pregnant, they had conversations that they "shouldn't have had" about getting back together. As a result of their secret talks, she assumed that her miscarriage -- awful as it was -- would mean she had one less tie to her fiance, and one more chance to reconcile with Corey. Then, her friend asks the question they've been dancing around for weeks: If Corey was down to work things out, could Leah leave Jeremy? Her answer, after a few beats of silence, is "yeah." Leah's got herself a first class ticket to Miserable Town, population: one.
Though Leah has confessed to basically not giving a flying eff about her fiance, she's somehow also confused about why things feel "weird." When he's finally back from the pipeline, they go for a family dinner -- and Leah's cold shoulder could freeze-dry their food. As she ignores her daughters' endless crying and avoids her fiance's eyes, they re-decide to slow things down. At this point they're basically going backwards, and it's weird that Jeremy doesn't seem more put off by his beloved's desire to pretend that they're not actually engaged.
Since essentially icing Jeremy out, Leah decides to go back on her birth control, though passionate moments seem as improbable as Leah ever getting a college degree.
Then, out of the blue, Corey texts Leah and asks to talk. When he calls, he admits that he broke up with his girlfriend because his loins still burn for Leah. Then, in one of his trademark twists, Corey reminds Leah that Jeremy is a good guy. At this point, Corey's thrown Leah so many curve balls that she doesn't even try to catch them -- and this last one doesn't even seem to make her mad. See, with boys, it's simple: When you realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it suddenly becomes clear that moving on is your only choice. *Ding!* That's the sound of a light bulb finally going off over Leah's head, and almost singeing her dollar store extensions.
When Jeremy climbs back into bed after a long, trying day on the pipeline (I seriously just love saying "pipeline,") Leah admits that Corey is toying with her head again. "I thought it was over between Corey and I," she says with a look that means "it's soooo not over." Jeremy stays more calm than any person in the entire world, asking her to please make up her "damn mind" as if they're choosing a place for brunch, as opposed to the path of their future. I hope that he's gotten into Jenelle's drug stash, 'cause if he's sober and this easy-going about getting played, that's just pathetic.
Why the hell is he sticking around, anyway? He's a relatively attractive man who can offer a girl TWO pierced ears. Get out in the world and find someone who doesn't have baggage in the form of two tiny humans, sheesh! If you're coming in second to a guy who can speak a total of 7 words ... well, you just have to dream bigger, my friend.
Jenelle
It's tough to study for a test when your ex-con boyfriend's on your mind. "I need to know all the muscles and bones in the body," Jenelle laments to her roomie, Allison. After so many years of attempting to numb every one of hers, this must be a particularly difficult chapter. Though she says she's totally over Kieffer (legally not being able to have any contact is much more helpful than reading 'Co-Dependency and You'), she admits she'd probably fall back under his spell if it weren't for Gary. If there's one thing girls never do, it's contradict themselves.
Now that Gary's finally home from his training at the base, he and Jenelle can reconnect by going to a restaurant and talking incessantly about her ex. Even when Jenelle attempts to compliment Gary, it's by comparing him to Kieffer. But when you're the favorable comparison to someone who steals, cheats, lies and has warrants out for his arrest, it's hard to feel flattered. Though Gary inexplicably eats his entire meal with a knife, he's still looking pretty good. His only real offense is fork and knife abandonment, and even in cutlery court you're innocent until proven guilty.
... And just as things are going well, sporks hit the fan. Jenelle's friend Tori calls to let her know that, oops, she and Gary hooked up "hours" before they started dating. Jenelle lays in bed like she's just gotten a death sentence, and when Gary calls she doesn't even open her eyes while telling him off. "I actually thought you were a person I could marry one day," she says. She seems more dejected than enraged -- and for Jenelle, that's proof of how much she cared. It turns out there is an emotion that trumps her anger: despair.
Gary comes over hoping to talk, but Jenelle doesn't want to hear it. "At the time we were just friends," he begins, like that's going to get him anywhere. "You think I introduced you to Tori so you could date her and f*ck her?" Jenelle shoots back. She's so pissed she's literally coming undone. It looks like rodents found her hair on Hotels.com and rented a room, and her pink bra is trying desperately to escape her shirt. I've actually never seen an outfit rebel like this in my life, save for the sparkle bikini Britney abused at her 2007 "comeback" MTV awards.
Jenelle's not getting any sympathy from Gary, though. In fact, his anger rivals hers as he hammers home the whole "single at the time" defense. Technically they were just friends and he had no clue that Jenelle was into him, but it still feels like a betrayal -- and to be fair, there's no girl in the world who would handle this well, sister wives aside.
Real quick -- can I just take a sec to play a little "pot calling the kettle a slut?" Let's not forget that poor, shocked Jenelle once boned Tori's boyfriend when they were LEGIT dating back in the day. For a while she even thought homeboy was Jace's dad. So, there's that.
Gary admits that he 100% screwed up and hopes that they can move forward. "You can leave now," Jenelle says with her head in her hands. Though he was lamenting his loss and vying for a second change about two minutes earlier, his mood shifts and he stalks out of the room, mumbling "later."
As she starts to pack his things up, Jenelle is terrifyingly calm. The suspense is killing me, especially 'cause this scene could end with attempted murder. Gary rushes over to where she's tossing his stuff everywhere, asking her to stop ... but that doesn't go well. She slams him against the wall, grunting "stop before I punch you in your face." On the Psychotic Jenelle-o-Meter, this is actually pretty rational behavior. Normally, she works sobbing and manic screaming into the mix. Also, she's not typically this polite: Most people aren't issued warnings before she goes ahead and punches them in the face. I'm actually a little disappointed in her. Girlfriend's losing her edge.
Kailyn
After two weeks with no contact with Jo, Kailyn heads to her lawyer's office to pursue the PFA (protection from abuse order). But while driving there with Nikita, a never-before-seen friend who I will assume she met while walking to the car, Kailyn admits that she's sort of regretting the legal move she made in the heat of the moment. Because she knows dropping the PFA will open up a whole new can of paternity worms, she's just going to follow through.
When they arrive at lawyer Kate's office, she asks that Isaac get a lift out of the room while they bash his potentially abusive father. I like that someone's finally treating that little creature like a human. "Yes, I totally understand," Kailyn nods, as if she didn't just bring him in and plop him down like a really expensive handbag she'll have to support for the rest of her life.
Kailyn suggests that she and Jo attend an anger management class, since the end game here isn't taking Jo's custody away. Her hesitancy is visible, and lawyer Kate is all overbite and vigorous nods as she agrees that a more "in-depth" co-parenting class is necessary here.
Back at home, Kailyn fills Javi in on the situation. She's afraid that Jo will roll 10-family members deep to court, and she'll be fighting, yet again, as an army of one. Well, an army of one plus La Sorta Femme Nikita.
When Kailyn finds out, en route to court, that Jo has a lawyer and "witnesses," she goes crazy in the car. Since nobody actually saw the fight, it's a dirty move -- but hopefully the judge will see through that.
Her lawyer explains that the best bet is to settle outside of court, withdraw the PFA and agree to counseling. Kailyn also asks that no significant other be present when they exchange Isaac, since that's what set her off in the first place.
Afterwards, we get the full scoop: The PFA was withdrawn and counseling was agreed upon. Since there's no real "winner" here, everyone's the same flavor of disappointed. Regardless of what happened -- and whether any of this was even necessary -- you have to give Kailyn props. She gets some very painful, adult stuff done without the support of parents. Though she could easily complain and deflate under all this pressure, she doesn't. After all, she's one tough mother.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.
