Leah
Jeremy's out of town two days before their wedding in Myrtle Beach, but Leah doesn't mind 'cause she's got a new man around -- her biological dad! He's so excited to finally see his estranged daughter that he's decided to wear his best "Tap Out' red t-shirt and some sort of male-Victoria's Secret sweatpants. "My baby girl got two baby girls ... cookin' breakfast," he exclaims over the frying pan.
He hasn't seen Leah since she was 13, but can you blame him? He's been incredibly busy trying to find the last ball bearing necklace at the last Hot Topic in town. Plus, do you even know how long it takes to perfectly fit your sunglasses over your Nascar hat? Like, at least five years of parenting, that's for sure.
The next day, Leah, the girls, her mom and her mom's inappropriately low top get ready for their eight-hour drive to the MB. Nothing says "this wedding was rushed" like a bride without a plane ticket.
The day of the wedding, Leah (whose hair is magically 40 shades lighter) and Jeremy flout the rules and hang out. She must be super sure of their relationship now 'cause she's plucked her eyebrows like a woman with nothing to lose. "This is DEFINITELY my last wedding, and it means the world to me," she says reassuringly. A clap of thunder punctuates her romantic statement, and she looks pained. "That is NOT thunder. I gotta get my jeweeerry!" The only thing harder than pronouncing "jewelry" is finding attractive pieces, and you know Leah's going to screw that up, too.
Leah heads over to Exclusively You, a day spa that sounds like a line of female sex toys. She gets slapped with a ton of makeup that truly bring out the sparkle in her eyes ... and braces. All in all, she looks decent. I especially like how every curl is a mix of black and blonde hair, as if paying follicular tribute to the varied sides of her personalities. Or maybe she just has black and blonde hair.
Her ceremony-by-the-pond idea is cute, in a discount-backyard-sets-advertised-on-KMart-flyers way. The white chairs that may or may not be plastic (not that there's anything wrong with that for people with low standards) are draped with turquoise tulle, and the trellis is wrapped with a vine and festive streamers. All in all, it's got a cheap Spring Break resort vibe, with a shared "about to make a rash decision" theme.
The bridal party (clad in the most unforgiving silk dresses) dances up the sand while Leah aggressively screams "BREAK IT DOWN" from inside her disco limo. As the lights flash inside the vehicle, her closest friends gyrate to the jungle rhythms in their hearts. The chains on their fancy Gaga-inspired sunglasses whip them in the faces as they go down to whatever city is about 15 miles from funky town.
Since it's raining (God cries when reminded of humans that didn't come out quite right), everyone's also juggling big umbrellas. I give them all props for not complaining, as I likely would have in the face of so much soaking wet ugliness.
As Leah exits the limo, her dads accompany her and a spray of flowers down the aisle. Her bio dad has chosen to wear his fancy cowboy hat, while her step-father wears the outfit he stole after eating the busboy.
When Leah and Jeremy finally meet at the end of the aisle, they're all smiles. "Your journey has brought you here," the officiant says. Apparently "here" is beneath a black-and-white striped umbrella in the pouring rain, but they don't seem to mind. Leah actually cuts the poor woman off and says "I do" a little too fast, but it's endearing.
They decide to do the "unity sand ceremony," which is a fancy way for saying "dump two containers of sand into one heart-shaped container." The twins get VERY excited, and one of them eats some. Hey, who are any of us to say when cocktail hour officially starts?
Jenelle
Though things are pretty good with Jenelle and Kieffer, life isn't exactly a bed of roses. Her roomie Alison is moving out, and she's making less money with her mysterious "online job." Also, she's dropped out of school because she doesn't need "more added to her plate." It's worth noting that her plate is currently full of the "surgery with my boobs" and the Gary debacle.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if she had the strength to pull on the world's tightest top at court last week, she can probably sit a desk and use a pen ... but hey, what do my A cups and I know? Perhaps once you go beyond a C, it's hard to look over them at your community college paperwork.
Bahhbrahh, like Jenelle's new big-girl bras, is very supportive. She doesn't say a peep when Jenelle brings up Kieffer, and even says she'll help Jenelle go back to school some day. Also, with Jace's third birthday just around the corner, she's gone out of her way to plan him a special gymnastics pahhty.
With that, Jenelle's "Someone Near Me Is Being Kind" meter goes off, and she lashes out like a poisonous (but stacked) snake. Instead of being grateful, she's horrified that her mom didn't give her advanced notice to "invite more people" to little Jace's pahhty. "Jenelle, I'm busy. I work," Bahhbrahh stutters. "It's his birthday. You know when his birthday is ... you could have taken initiative!" If there's one day Jenelle shouldn't forget, it was the time when she was actually given some really incredible drugs and not sent to jail for it.
The day of the party, Jenelle reminisces about Jace's first three years. Since she barely knows him, it doesn't take long.
At the gymnasium, everyone has a blast. It's got some creepy old trampolines and a foam pit that Bahhbrahh gloriously gets stuck in. Oddly enough, there's only one other child there. Either the other parents didn't want their kids on camera, or Jenelle was right about Bahhbrahh rushing the party plans. Either way, Jace seems happy as a clam and doesn't realize his mom has augmented pearls.
After the exercise, they break out a super cool spider dessert made entirely of cupcakes. Jenelle is sooo hot from the workout that she takes her shoes off and rolls up her top, 'cause nothing says motherhood like flaunting your stretch marks at the table.
Because it hurts Jenelle to focus on anyone else for too long, she immediately starts to obsess about her financials. "I was running out of money because I was spending too much on marijuana," she says openly. She seems pretty nonplussed that she's $600 in the hole and late with her rent. It's times like these that I wish the teen moms would acknowledge that they're on a TV show. It's hard to feel empathy for Jenelle when I know she's getting paid a pretty decent penny to be our guilty pleasure.
Because Bahhbrahh loves going into the lion's den, she heads over to Jenelle's house to talk about her fiscal situation. Apparently, things are looking up since Kieffer's selling wooden pipes on the internet. It's important to note that they are MOST DEFINITELY NOT FOR SMOKING THE WEED. They are for smoking WHATEVER YOU WANT, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SAY THEY ARE FOR THE WEED ON THE INTERNET.
"Because of where you are, it's going to be hard to get back custody of Jace or have him stay at your house," Bahhbrahh says. She also reminds Jenelle that she barely sees him, but Jenelle's got a rebuttal: She has no money for gas. Bahhbrahh tells her that she'll happily shuttle Jace back and forth, but Jenelle's already chartered a jet to crazy town. She screams that she's only ever allowed to see him on Saturdays and Sunday and then retires to her room. She didn't put up as much of a fight as she normally does, and I wonder if it's because she knows she's finally run out of excuses.
She grabs Jace's face for a kiss, but he squirms and runs away. To Jace, Jenelle's nothing more than a loud lady who gives rock-hard hugs.
Chelsea
During her month-long leave from school, Chelsea's not sitting on her plus-sized laurels; she's been busy getting and moving into a new place. Though she's not actually at Black Plague Beauty School anymore, little Aubs still gets shipped off to day care. I'm not going to judge her for this, because I personally see myself relying on day care right after I have a baby and undergo massive amounts of plastic surgery.
Over at her mom's house, Chelsea wants to chat about her birthday party. (Unfortunately, nobody mentions how dear Chelsea's mom looks with her fab new bangs and midlife-crisis ponytail.) Chels is going to be 21, so now she can legally blame any bad decisions on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, instead of the a-a-a-a-a-Adam.
Before her big day, Chelsea and her only friend celebrate by getting fake nails to match their fake everything else. Chelsea actually looks nice ... I think she's drawn in her eyebrows differently this week.
Because she's not sure about the drunk antics and debauchery that lay ahead, Chelsea drops Aubree off with her mom. Then, her pals come over to "get sexual looking," which entails making their hair look like attractive nesting places for migratory birds, and dressing like ladies who got a Groupon to Atlantic City.
At the restaurant, Chelsea and her pals pray: "Dear God, we hate you for this birthday." Then, because God is forgiving and kind, he sends over a sexy bartender with green shots. After a while, things get blurry and they head to a club, where they run into Adam's friends.
Someone must have let Adam know that Chels was out getting wild because he starts to text her. "Jeez, how many people can you make out with in one night," he said, among other jealous-sounding things. Chelsea's understandably confused. Adam kicked her to the curb and has a gal pal -- why does he care who she swaps spit with? I'm super proud of Chelsea, actually. She could have let Adam's texts ruin her night or give her the wrong impression, but at this point, she's just exasperated. Perhaps she has gotten a little bit wiser with age ... or maybe it's just her plastic, no-lens glasses. I'm practically expecting her to blurt out something brilliant, like a two-syllable word!
Kailyn
Kailyn thinks Javi is out running errands with Isaac, but he's got a trick up his Express for Men sleeves. He's dressed Isaac in an adorable (and matching) little vest, and they get all set up in front of the water. They're holding hands and flowers, and even though I know the ring he's got in his pocket is probably from a Cracker Jacks box, I'm getting all melt-y inside. Javi is really a very lovely fellow, and though I know most of my readers dislike Kailyn, I feel glad for her. She hasn't had it easy, and it's nice that life has finally dealt her a nice card (albeit from the half-off section).
Kailyn was instructed to go to a very specific restaurant in her hometown, and Javi texted her to pick up a note from the hostess. It has directions for where her one-and-a-half men are ... and upon arriving, Kailyn knows something really exciting is up.
"You were raised here, and I felt like this was a part of your life I wasn't a part of. I figured if I came out here, I'd be a part of it forever 'cause you're my present now, so what I really want to know is ... if you'll marry me?"
With that adorable Hallmark speech, he gets down on one knee and hands her the ring. "I'm in shock!" Kailyn says before showing Isaac her bling. I really like that she includes Isaac in everything, although I'm not sure how safe it is so take your eyes off a little kid on a boat dock. Either way, he's more interested in his doll and the flowers anyway, like any kid who hasn't yet been forced into selecting a gender identity.
After the special moment, they pop into the restaurant for a meal in a booth. Between their plastic cups and french fries, I'd say Javi Googled "no star eateries" when making his reservation. It's the thought that counts ... except when the thought takes you to a glorified diner. "It's kinda like Britney Spears'," Javi says happily as he checks out her rock (and hopefully not her mental state).
Later, Kailyn celebrates getting her marriage license by scaring the living daylights out of Isaac at a hibachi restaurant. Over the meal, she tells her friend Gigi about her future: Since she wants to move to wherever Javi is based, she wants to get married in less than a year -- and she wants to bring Isaac. She hasn't told Jo, which is starting to get pretty ridiculous. If the tables were turned, you know she'd lose her mind. Still, there's fear underneath her bravado, and you know she's not feeling good about the whole mess. In her heart of hearts, Kailyn wants to be with Jo ... and though she seems wild about Javi, he'll probably always, in some secret part of her, be her second choice.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.