There is an ever widening acceptance of gender neutrality with mothers and fathers perceived as equally fit to parent, in my professional experience in the world of co-parenting. Equally accepted is the idea that joint physical custody occurs earlier rather than later in the lives of children, when parents are no longer together as a couple. The exception is a slight tender years 'free pass' for infants and young toddlers, defined as 3 years of age and younger.
The youngest of the young, should be treated differently than older children in custody matters. Perhaps- the thinking goes - whether babies are nursing or not, they should spend more waking hours with their mothers and fewer overnight transitions with their fathers in the short term. For single sex co-parents it is the same. This is true, even when all other factors are equal in a separation or divorce.
I wrote about easing transitions between two homes in the tender years for co-parents inclined towards higher conflict in April of 2013. In this blog post, I take a look at the tender years issue from another angle, speaking to co-parents committed to a non-litigious approach, but struggling with it. This is in anticipation of interviewing esteemed Los Angeles based family law attorney, Laura Wasser, on her thoughts and experiences in the field later this month.
Co-parents either start out more peacefully from the outset, or come to this conclusion after a painful and exhausting time in custody litigation. To paraphrase the song, at the end of the day, when court closes for business and your attorneys go home, co-parents are, "Stuck in the middle with you."
As co-parents you are tied for eternity for one good reason, the child at the center of it all. For those who are in-synch with the principles supporting early onset joint physical custody, here are 3 tips for developing attitudes and a mindset consistent with sharing children in the diaper years.
Conscious Uncoupling Is Harder Than It Sounds: For the sake of the child's healthy development and happiness, understand that you must prove yourselves open to be communicative and in possession of a modicum of trust and respect for one another. Understand too, that it is crucial to learn to separate smoldering interpersonal issues from your obligation to work out a civil and neutral co-parent relationship for the sake of your child.
You recognize there is no shame to admit the need for help to accomplish these goals, especially at the beginning. Furthermore, this commitment will always be a work in progress, meaning that you will be proactive in noticing when tensions arise, so that you can reach out for help before problems boil over on an as-needed basis because keeping the peace is that important.
When The Emotional Divorce Is Complete Everything Will Be Easier: No two people ever enter the decision to separate or divorce on the same emotional timeline. Therefore, it is probably best to refrain from being physically intimate once you call it quits. The one who wanted to stay together to work on issues will remain hopeful for reconciliation and for the other who found it impossible to stay, there will be guilty feelings. Either way, the emotional divorce will be more difficult to achieve.
Each one must accept their own mistakes in the relationship and the separation is final. While the financial divorce can be devastating and the legal divorce tedious, nothing is more difficult than the emotional divorce. Until it is complete, positive movement towards joint decision making is virtually impossible.
Acceptance Takes On Many Forms: Each of you will be a significant person in the child's life, and this will look and play out differently at each stage of development. There is no need to compare or compete for a child's affection or attention. Rather we should make room for each other to let the child teach us what he or she needs because each of us has an equal right to play an important parental role.
Neither parent can (nor should attempt to) change the other. Those days are over, if it was ever an appropriate role or expectation. Each other's expressed interest is valid even when there is not agreement. Reaching mutually acceptable solutions is always the goal.
Equality in the co-parent relationship will promote cooperation and set a good example for the child. Equality in the co-parent relationship underscores the value of enlightened self-interest (also known as one wins by letting the other win.)
Collusion of any kind between one parent and a child is very harmful for him or her, places the burden of putting the child in the middle, and creates loyalty conflicts within the child. Each parent should strive to reflect positively on the other parent in comments and interactions with the child as we know the child has an awareness of belonging to each one of us. I imagine you are reading this because you or someone you know is striving to be a better co-parent. Feel confident that it is the right way to go.
In no way should this blog be construed as advice or therapy. If you, or someone you know, has concerns or issues dealing with co-parenting, meeting with a mental health professional could be useful.
.