Independence Day: that time of year when we proudly display an American flag over the doorstep, across our midriffs, and on a picnic table of baked beans and red ants.
Sure, it feels patriotic to BBQ on our day off and light fireworks we hope won't start a brush fire, but it's little more than consumerism wrapped in the seasonal marketing of nationalism.
But fear not! If you wanna put your patriotism to the test, we've got just the thing for you: The Red, White, and You Quiz!
In just 10 easy questions, discover how patriotic you are so you can get right back to consuming! And really, what's more American than that?
QUIZ
1. When you need to mail a package, do you go to
A) FedEx/UPS
B) The Post Office
2. Do you, or would you, send your kids to
A) Private school
B) Public school
3. When you receive a jury summons, do you
A) Groan, or contemplate how to get out of it
B) Do your civic duty
4. In the last year, how many donations have you made to your local Fire Department or Police Association?
A) 0
B) 1 or more
5. When you need to reference a book not available online, are you more likely to:
A) Purchase a copy from Amazon or large bookseller
B) Check your local library
6. Did you vote in the last midterm election?
A) No
B) Yes
7. When it's time to pay your taxes, do you
A) Groan, or leave off income with no paper trail
B) Do your civic duty
8. Have you ever received an unemployment check, social security check, welfare check, or paycheck from a government agency, while voting for a governor who campaigned on slashing wasteful government spending?
A) Yes
B) No
9. Which is a larger part of America's debt problem?*
A) Food Stamps
B) Corporate welfare
10. Do you love your country enough to sacrifice your first-born child for America's dependence on cheap foreign oil?
A) No
B) Yes
RESULTS:
Give yourself 10 points for each B) answer.
Add up your total points.
70-100 points: You are as patriotic as it gets! Congrats! Enjoy a Pabst Blue Ribbon on the house.
40-60 points: You are moderately patriotic. I wouldn't paint your gun rack red and white just yet.
0-30 points: Sorry, you are probably a terrorist and should be put on a watch list. But don't worry, you can still buy a semi-automatic in less time than it takes to pass the baked beans.
*Food Stamps/SNAP per year: 75 billion
Corporate welfare per year: 110 billion
Please enter your scores below!