The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
🎶the best part of waking up, is going back to sleep🎶 -me, when my alarm went off this morning.— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) September 13, 2018
Not today Satan but tomorrow should work fine.— not karley 🦕 (@Itskarleytime) September 10, 2018
One of my favorite things to do on a plane is to pretend the person next to me doesn’t exist. Ice them out. It brings me so much peace.— roxane gay (@rgay) September 13, 2018
A page after the acknowledgements for people that have wronged you.— Lucie Britsch (@LucieBritsch) September 12, 2018
The barista asked me if my 7pm iced coffee was the “staying out past your bedtime special” and I feel dragged— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) September 8, 2018
I think I'm pretty fucking smart until I try to find the end of the garbage bag that opens.— Annie the Nanny (@AnnietheNanny1) September 13, 2018
Actual footage of me on laundry day pic.twitter.com/8TB1LHEOss— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 10, 2018
Sorry I canceled our plans, I’m at an in between hair length right now.— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) September 13, 2018
I just watched a stranger’s wedding on Instagram live on the toilet & cried— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) September 9, 2018
Gradually accepting that my personal style is "vacillates wildly between 'I need to look more grown-up' and 'omg I really love this sparkly purple solar system skirt'"— Celeste Ng (@pronounced_ing) September 11, 2018
do any couples want to take me apple picking this year? I am a sturdy third wheel with good eye for apples, will stare at the sun while you kiss, can fit in most trunks— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) September 11, 2018
There’s a lady cleaning her purse on a table at Starbucks and there are pens and receipts in stacks and an umbrella and a little pink fold-up fan and yes, it’s me. This is my stuff.— your mom (@eff_yeah_steph) September 7, 2018
Can someone Venmo me a last nerve?— Avengers’ Funeral Coordinator (@Steph_I_Will) September 11, 2018
i need one of those dog cones but for keeping me off the internet when i'm supposed to be writing— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) September 13, 2018
i missed my train because i stopped to ask a woman if she wanted me to take her picture in front of some graffiti instead of her trying to do a selfie. i’m definitely getting heaven tho !!!! i got all her angles— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) September 13, 2018
JACK RYAN: Okay, he's a spy, but mainly he's a financial analyst.— Pjörk 🐷 (@NicoleConlan) September 14, 2018
OZARK: Okay, he's a drug dealer, but mainly he's a financial analyst.
BALLERS: Okay he's an NFL star, but mainly he's a financial analyst.
BUNCHA FINANCE DWEEBS OUT HERE MAKING TV SHOWS.
sometimes i will get self-conscious about my dancing & then i remember i don’t owe this waiting room anything— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 10, 2018
if fleetwood mac could write “rumors” on a wild monthslong coke binge while they were all breaking up with each other then i can make it through this week— amy brown (@arb) September 13, 2018
"I just spilled coffee on my blouse" I said to coworker and I don't know if I'm more upset by the spilling of coffee or that I called my shirt a blouse.— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) September 14, 2018
STOP SAYING YOUR BABY IS "FLIRTING" YOUR BABY IS SMILING! YOUR BABY IS NOT FLIRTING!! YOUR BABY WON'T EVEN TEXT ME BACK!! STOP BRINGING IT UP HEATHER !!!!!!— Megan Stalter (@megstalter) September 13, 2018