The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I'm trying to unlock it more than two times, I'm driving off without you.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 30, 2017
You say festival, but I hear Porta Potty.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 30, 2017
How many dumb things did you say at social functions this week? I said all of them.— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 30, 2017
you wanna go where everybody knows your name until they spell it on the cup & you realize most of your relationships are based on a lie— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 30, 2017
Cool that we live in a world where I can google "song where chorus is ahhhh" and find what I was looking for in about 30 seconds.— Paige Lavender (@paigelav) July 30, 2017
Starting a support group called I'M LONELY BUT I HATE PEOPLE. But we never meet in person and it's just a group text that everyone mutes— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) July 30, 2017
Going to brunch in Los Angeles is 75% overhearing people discussing profound realizations that are just flat out wrong.— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) July 30, 2017
My husband listens to audiobooks at 1.5x speed in the car and now I know what meth feels like— Michelle Lee (@heymichellelee) July 29, 2017
I think I found my new pick up line:— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) August 1, 2017
"Hey, I'm Trash. You wanna take me out?"
bless everyone who is pretty enough, skinny enough, and rich enough to wear this dress pic.twitter.com/7XFmL0G8bf— Doree Shafrir (@doree) August 1, 2017
Breaking: Donald Trump also taking credit for Beyoncé's twins and the fact that it stopped raining earlier.— Elizabeth Plank (@feministabulous) August 3, 2017
blue bottle barista: i won't charge you extra for the ~extra~ almond milk— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) August 2, 2017
me: so when are we getting brunch with ur parents
DATE: the waiter's coming— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) August 2, 2017
ME: shit idk what I'm getting
DATE: here he comes..
ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI: Hi welcome to Chili's!
Currently: Pretending to be Reese Witherspoon at the end of Cruel Intentions, except I'm actually on a CitiBike and he only moved to D.C. pic.twitter.com/ZsZW1zIsSb— Jessica Blankenship (@blanketboat) August 3, 2017
CNN: Grand Jury— Maggie Serota 🚽 (@maggieserota) August 3, 2017
MSNBC: Grand Jury
Fox News: Have you ever looked at a starfish? Like really looked at one? They're weird, man.
What happens if it's 2017 and don't watch Game of Thrones? Do you get sent off to be a Handmaid for people who do?— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) July 31, 2017
Working for the White House communications department is like being the defense against the dark arts professor in a Harry Potter movie— Sylvia Obell (@SylviaObell) July 31, 2017
I don't really need a bf I just need a photographer tbh— Hollis Miller (@missehollis) August 4, 2017
"oh u thought I wouldn't notice that U stopped looking at my insta story halfway through?? i see it all and whyd u do that" - a memoir by me— lauren yap (@itslaurenyap) August 1, 2017
Shorter Stephen Miller: as with most women, we preferred Lady Liberty when she wasn't saying anything.— Chloe Angyal (@ChloeAngyal) August 2, 2017