The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Coworker: That music is nice, what is it?— Chloe Angyal (@ChloeAngyal) January 16, 2018
Me: It's from the scene in the ballet where the vengeful virgin ghost queen makes a man dance to his death.
good morning, everything is still a shitbiscuit but I'm here— Tracy Boomeisha-Ann Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) January 17, 2018
How to use the self-checkout:— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 14, 2018
1. Scan product.
2. Place in bag.
3. Scream that there is no unexpected item in the bagging area!
4. Take item out.
I liked Girls better the first time when it was called Sex And the City / Desperate Housewives / Girlfriends / Living Single / Sisters / Designing Women / The Golden Girls / The Facts of Life wow shows with four lady friends are popular— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 16, 2018
when u do your hair for brunch and they cancel pic.twitter.com/48hskgDdBD— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 13, 2018
*solemnly puts dress I bought for the fake news awards in the back of my closet*— Samantha Tomaszewski (@managewski) January 17, 2018
maybe next year
When I finally learn how to both drink all the water I should AND avoid having to pee once an hour it's over for you hoes.— A.B. (@AlannaBennett) January 17, 2018
For any women having trouble reaching orgasm, I discovered there are two-story Targets.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) January 14, 2018
i like grocery stores more than i like other people— Maya Binyam (@mayabinyam) January 16, 2018
The 50 Shades couple seem like the people we unfollow on Facebook.— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) January 15, 2018
Free idea: ensemble rom com that’s just the zany best friend characters finally getting their due.— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) January 13, 2018
I took off my bra and a skittle fell out, but I don’t remember the last time I ate skittles?— Mand of Green Gables (@MandiHarris) January 18, 2018
Ok sometimes news stories say things like “details not yet disclosed to the public” and I wanna be like “jus whisper it to me”— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) January 17, 2018
A Black Mirror in which everyone’s first drafts, discarded emails and draft tweets post all at once.— Emily Nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) January 17, 2018
with the exception of everyone who isn’t we’re all doing our best— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) January 16, 2018
Describe yourself in one sentence: I got a massage at a day spa and immediately followed it with four tacos and a soda.— Madeline Hill (@mad_hill) January 17, 2018
now that living single is on hulu i hope no one notices that my entire personality is formed solely by maxine shaw and just genuinely being very hungry— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) January 15, 2018
when you try to catch up with the news after logging off for a little pic.twitter.com/cMN10RHcz3— Sammy Nickalls 🧚♀️ (@sammynickalls) January 14, 2018
yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) January 14, 2018
No, autocorrect, I did not mean to type "birch." You heard me the first time.— Christy Havranek (@diopter) January 17, 2018