The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
One cool thing about being female is you can go from fresh-faced prodigy to grizzled veteran in like 3 years— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 23, 2018
It's Guy Fieri's birthday today. He gets to make a wish by blowing out all the flames on his shirt— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 22, 2018
There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and no matter what you cook in there your microwave smells like hotdogs.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 22, 2018
Nothing like eating a healthy salad for lunch so that I can be hungry and mad all day— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) January 24, 2018
I'm starting to think any desire I have ever had to be or get pregnant came from early obsessive viewings of Father of The Bride 2— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 26, 2018
FUN PRANK: continue to have hope in our elected officials— beth, not an alien (@bourgeoisalien) January 22, 2018
ME: I'm laying off carbs this month.— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) January 24, 2018
* 5 mins later *
ME: Pack a bottle of water because we're about to drive 45 minutes to the nearest Red Lobster because I saw a pic of the San Francisco Bay on IG and now all I can think about is getting a cheddar bay biscuit in my mouth.
My new thing is finding birds that look like they are twice divorced pic.twitter.com/IYKmIplUFv— Cheish (@TheCheish) January 21, 2018
*sits bolt upright in bed in the middle of the night*— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) January 24, 2018
Why isn't there grape La Croix??
working on my present day Sopranos fan fiction in which Adriana dumps Christopher because she makes more money than him by promoting flat tummy tea to her 300k Instagram followers— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) January 22, 2018
Bought a treadmill that hooks into Google Map streetview so that I can virtually run around my neighborhood...— Girl On Tapas 💚 (@girlontapas) January 21, 2018
My evolution to total introvert is complete.
did yall know having a water cooler in your house is only like $25/month? i'm bout to be hydrated as fuck.— king crissle (@crissles) January 25, 2018
I’ve never seen This Is Us but based on how hard it makes you guys cry I assume it’s just the scene in Homeward Bound where Shadow comes home played over and over.— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) January 25, 2018
Made lasagna so I won't have to cook again for about 3 weeks.— E~ville (@E_Ville13) January 21, 2018
I’m sorry we have a Best Picture category and THIS HAS NEVER MADE IT? pic.twitter.com/WDfzex1Suu— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) January 23, 2018
I forgot deodorant today and used the ole hand sanitizer in the armpits trick and I don't smell terrible! I mean I smell faintly of a vodka aunt but that's my aesthetic anyway!— alexis nedd (@alexisthenedd) January 22, 2018
*drinks iced coffee*— Samantha Matt (@SamanthaMatt1) January 23, 2018
*pees 6 times every hour for the next 10 hours*
Don't forget to turn your Doomsday Clocks forward & your history books backward— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 25, 2018
me: "who cares about birthdays lol I'm grown now it's just another day"— farwz (@farwzz) January 24, 2018
also me: *has told every single human I've come in contact with for weeks that my birthday is on friday*
Bodega cats seems fun until you realize why they’re there— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 23, 2018