The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
A male reboot of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter called Actually, It’s Not Butter.— (((OhNoSheTwitnt))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 2, 2018
Me: I’m a great communicator— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 5, 2018
Also me: I’m gonna send ‘nite’ instead of ‘night’ so she knows I’m mad
Me: I know you’re cheating— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 8, 2018
Boyfriend: I swear I’m not
Me: THEN WHY DO YOU ALWAYS INSIST ON BEING THE BANKER
Me, when I think about all the people who have WASTED MY TIME. pic.twitter.com/VrbIgUoC0X— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) March 9, 2018
me: do you take bitcoin?— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) March 5, 2018
me: *bites a coin* ok this should be worth about eleven thousand dollars.
Sam Nunberg: So, like I said 35 minutes ago, he went to Russia and ...— Kashana (@kashanacauley) March 5, 2018
Dairy Queen employee: I only need to know if you want one blizzard or two.
My period tracking app just wished me a Happy Women’s Day and my uterus involuntarily cramped in recognition.— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) March 9, 2018
REMEMBER: if you survived wearing shorts on those metal slides that became shiny infernos under the hot summer sun, then you can survive almost anything.— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) March 8, 2018
This historic photo of two world leaders discussing their ideas is really inspiring pic.twitter.com/yU6MIhYWGB— agerenesh ashagre (@agerenesh) March 6, 2018
Other people: I keep a notepad next to my bed to jot down ideas in the middle of the night.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 9, 2018
Me: Cool, I overthink everything & have crying fits at 2 am.
sam nunberg: it would be funny if they arrested me— Ziwe (@ziwe) March 5, 2018
grocer: i said-- paper or plastic?
Got a new tube of toothpaste and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 9, 2018
Please, please remember the proverb of our ancestors: Don't start no shit, won't be no shit.— roxane gay (@rgay) March 5, 2018
me popping into a conversation that doesn't involve me with some gossip just to start drama pic.twitter.com/YrinMvYkwU— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) March 6, 2018
“I don’t want to talk about it”— A girl has no name (@This_is_a_dm) March 7, 2018
*keeps talking about it, provides a power point with charts, pictures, and a detailed outline*
ross gellar was definitely a virgo— farwz (@farwzz) March 8, 2018
me: before I start writing this one paragraph I need to write to make my word count, let me just briefly glance at the internet— rachel syme (@rachsyme) March 3, 2018
me, bleary, three hours later: DID YOU KNOW DURING THE FRANCO-PRUSSIAN WAR PARISIANS HAD TO EAT ZOO ANIMALS I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT IT FOR HOURS
My two greatest fears are nuclear war and disappointing Frances McDormand.— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) March 5, 2018
I’ve been asked to stop calling sex ‘the monster mash’— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) March 6, 2018
I feel like people who make cookies the size of your face really get me.— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) March 8, 2018