The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
A male reboot of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter called Actually, It’s Not Butter.
— (((OhNoSheTwitnt))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 2, 2018
Me: I’m a great communicator
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 5, 2018
Also me: I’m gonna send ‘nite’ instead of ‘night’ so she knows I’m mad
Me: I know you’re cheating
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 8, 2018
Boyfriend: I swear I’m not
Me: THEN WHY DO YOU ALWAYS INSIST ON BEING THE BANKER
Me, when I think about all the people who have WASTED MY TIME. pic.twitter.com/VrbIgUoC0X
— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) March 9, 2018
me: do you take bitcoin?
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) March 5, 2018
vendor: yes.
me: *bites a coin* ok this should be worth about eleven thousand dollars.
Sam Nunberg: So, like I said 35 minutes ago, he went to Russia and ...
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) March 5, 2018
Dairy Queen employee: I only need to know if you want one blizzard or two.
My period tracking app just wished me a Happy Women’s Day and my uterus involuntarily cramped in recognition.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) March 9, 2018
REMEMBER: if you survived wearing shorts on those metal slides that became shiny infernos under the hot summer sun, then you can survive almost anything.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) March 8, 2018
This historic photo of two world leaders discussing their ideas is really inspiring pic.twitter.com/yU6MIhYWGB
— agerenesh ashagre (@agerenesh) March 6, 2018
Other people: I keep a notepad next to my bed to jot down ideas in the middle of the night.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 9, 2018
Me: Cool, I overthink everything & have crying fits at 2 am.
sam nunberg: it would be funny if they arrested me
— Ziwe (@ziwe) March 5, 2018
grocer: i said-- paper or plastic?
Got a new tube of toothpaste and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 9, 2018
Please, please remember the proverb of our ancestors: Don't start no shit, won't be no shit.
— roxane gay (@rgay) March 5, 2018
me popping into a conversation that doesn't involve me with some gossip just to start drama pic.twitter.com/YrinMvYkwU
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) March 6, 2018
“I don’t want to talk about it”
— A girl has no name (@This_is_a_dm) March 7, 2018
*keeps talking about it, provides a power point with charts, pictures, and a detailed outline*
ross gellar was definitely a virgo
— farwz (@farwzz) March 8, 2018
me: before I start writing this one paragraph I need to write to make my word count, let me just briefly glance at the internet
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) March 3, 2018
me, bleary, three hours later: DID YOU KNOW DURING THE FRANCO-PRUSSIAN WAR PARISIANS HAD TO EAT ZOO ANIMALS I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT IT FOR HOURS
My two greatest fears are nuclear war and disappointing Frances McDormand.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) March 5, 2018
I’ve been asked to stop calling sex ‘the monster mash’
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) March 6, 2018
I feel like people who make cookies the size of your face really get me.
— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) March 8, 2018
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