The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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DECIDED NOT TO WRITE THAT AFTER ALL, A Memoir
— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) July 18, 2018
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) July 19, 2018
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’ve already decided all my children’s names, so if my husband comes up with names too we’re just gonna have to compromise and go with all the names I’ve chosen
— kosisochukwu 🦋 (@_kweenkosss) July 15, 2018
ME: Time to stop procrastinating and start getting work done
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) July 18, 2018
*Friend posts an article about a cult*
ME: Aw fuck
I’ve replaced sleepy time tea with just breaking shit
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) July 19, 2018
If yr currently flirting with one of my friends please know I have seen every screenshot and am talking her out of it
— Alice Wilder (@Alice_Wilder) July 18, 2018
My favorite part of baseball is when the manager goes to the mound to tell the pitcher he loves him
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 19, 2018
Fuck putting fans on oscillating I’m pointing that skinny bitch directly at myself and you can come stand behind me
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 15, 2018
And in the end.... the people you end up being closest to are the ones who send you memes while they’re on the toilet.
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) July 11, 2018
My favorite part of the airline safety video is “breathe normally”...OK SURE
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 19, 2018
wish i had a sheet of tiny stickers i could put on all my non-orthopedic shoes that say "i'd rather be wearing my orthopedic shoes"
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) July 16, 2018
how is my day going? pic.twitter.com/keW6GueTE9
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 19, 2018
Fake pockets in women’s slacks are the pantriarchy. Thank you.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 13, 2018
I’d say my people are the types who got cast as septuagenarians in their high school musicals
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) July 18, 2018
I never realized the architectural beauty of my home til I came home drunk and fell asleep on the floor. this is my drunklebrag pic.twitter.com/YaRwoOAGsU
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 18, 2018
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 14, 2018
Why it's important: the number of times I've put the dog back in their yard
Sharing a best friend with someone is a competitive sport.
— safy (@SafyHallanFarah) July 14, 2018
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
— Julia Galef (@juliagalef) July 17, 2018
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, "You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends"
I am never more gloriously delusional than when I buy a new planner and for a few precious moments assume that it will immediately fix me and the world entire.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) July 19, 2018
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alexa play the video of january jones laying in the grass smiling while her friend pierces her ear
— t (@radioheadass) July 20, 2018