The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (July 14-20)

"My favorite part of the airline safety video is 'breathe normally'...OK SURE"

The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.

Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.

DECIDED NOT TO WRITE THAT AFTER ALL, A Memoir
— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) July 18, 2018

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) July 19, 2018

I’ve already decided all my children’s names, so if my husband comes up with names too we’re just gonna have to compromise and go with all the names I’ve chosen
— kosisochukwu 🦋 (@_kweenkosss) July 15, 2018

ME: Time to stop procrastinating and start getting work done
*Friend posts an article about a cult*
ME: Aw fuck
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) July 18, 2018

I’ve replaced sleepy time tea with just breaking shit
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) July 19, 2018

If yr currently flirting with one of my friends please know I have seen every screenshot and am talking her out of it
— Alice Wilder (@Alice_Wilder) July 18, 2018

My favorite part of baseball is when the manager goes to the mound to tell the pitcher he loves him
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 19, 2018

Fuck putting fans on oscillating I’m pointing that skinny bitch directly at myself and you can come stand behind me
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 15, 2018

And in the end.... the people you end up being closest to are the ones who send you memes while they’re on the toilet.
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) July 11, 2018

My favorite part of the airline safety video is “breathe normally”...OK SURE
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 19, 2018

wish i had a sheet of tiny stickers i could put on all my non-orthopedic shoes that say "i'd rather be wearing my orthopedic shoes"
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) July 16, 2018

how is my day going? pic.twitter.com/keW6GueTE9
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 19, 2018

Fake pockets in women’s slacks are the pantriarchy. Thank you.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 13, 2018

I’d say my people are the types who got cast as septuagenarians in their high school musicals
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) July 18, 2018

I never realized the architectural beauty of my home til I came home drunk and fell asleep on the floor. this is my drunklebrag pic.twitter.com/YaRwoOAGsU
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 18, 2018

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it's important: the number of times I've put the dog back in their yard
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 14, 2018

Sharing a best friend with someone is a competitive sport.
— safy (@SafyHallanFarah) July 14, 2018

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, "You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends"
— Julia Galef (@juliagalef) July 17, 2018

I am never more gloriously delusional than when I buy a new planner and for a few precious moments assume that it will immediately fix me and the world entire.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) July 19, 2018

alexa play the video of january jones laying in the grass smiling while her friend pierces her ear
— t (@radioheadass) July 20, 2018

MORE:

CONVERSATIONS

Get breaking news alerts