We open this three-hour travesty with Chris Harrison saying that Beneric is going to marry whoever he chooses on the "After The Final Rose" episode. The families of both women, and Beneric's family, and his pastor are all in the audience. Wonder what the pastor thinks about the B-Dawg test-driving three women in the fantasy suite before the blessed union.
Lauren and Jojo discuss how they each love Beneric, and he discusses how he loves both of them. If the women also start to love each other, this could really work out. Twice the childcare, half the laundry, ladies. You'll know what I mean in 5-10 years.
Beneric's folks join us and his mom says it's disturbing that he loves two women. Finally, someone with a brain. Lauren bounds in like an enthusiastic blonde puppy, holding gifts for the parents and beaming at them with a combination of intelligence and sex appeal. Without the intelligence.
Beneric's dad is so much hotter than his mom. This is just how life works. He wasn't ravaged by giving birth to this wannabe polygamist, but she was. God, pour me a drink. I only have a few good years left.
Beneric's mom and Lauren discuss that Beneric says he feels unlovable. What the hell is this ridiculousness? This man has two women who would claw each other's eyes out to be the sole possessors of his generitals. Lauren and her new mother-in-law discuss how deep and angst-ridden Beneric is. Who are they even talking about? This isn't Proust here, it's a well adjusted, generically American tall well built guy who will coach his son's Little League team. Get a grip, people.
Jojo's turn. She's shaking with anxiety, and this is even before she finds out that Beneric told another woman he loves her too. She meets his parents, and they try to hide from her that he fed Lauren the same line. His mom loves her, more than Lauren, maybe because she senses that Jojo's own family is highly dysfunctional and therefore she needs a surrogate well adjusted family.
Beneric talks with his parents and they say they love him and are proud of him. His mother wonders who he will plant his stake with. I thought she was going to say "plant his seed in," and I was going to intercede that I think Beneric is smart enough to have used protection. But maybe he isn't, who knows.
Beneric introspects about how it just felt right to tell two women he loved them, and as is the basic premise of the past 50 years in America, if it feels right, that's all that matters. The cult of personal happiness. But I digress. Beneric and Lauren flirt and cuddle on a catamaran on the beautiful blue sea. That's kind of like my life where I sit in bed with my dog blogging. Except my dog doesn't have a second owner that she also loves equally, so I win.
Lauren senses that something is up with the B-Dawg, and she asks if he has any doubts. He spins her some BS and tells the camera that because things have been so perfect with her, he doesn't know how they will weather ups and downs. Well, you'll get to see how you weather one down as soon as she finds out you're also in love with Jojo, you idiot.
Beneric and Lauren hang out and talk about the future together. She says, "I've never been so sure about something in my whole life." Now may be the time to tell her about your feelings for Jojo, Beneric. And... not a chance. He says, "No matter what happens, you've made me a better person... and allowed me to know you better and to fall in love with you." She's wondering why he sounds so dejected and confused if he loves her. And now she tells the camera that she's worried that he loves Jojo. Because he does.
Beneric discusses how his feelings for both girls are very similar, and he's going to pray for clarity. Jojo comes out for her last date and they make out with the passion that only a man in love with two women can feel. Jojo says this is the best relationship she's ever been in. Poor thing.
Jojo tells Beneric how happy she is with him, and how she'll do anything for the relationship. Unequivalently, he says he doesn't know what he's going to do, and appears, as per usual, dejected and confused. Jojo tells the camera that this blows her mind and now she knows they aren't on the same page, and oopsie she fell in love with an idiot.
Later that night. Jojo asks Beneric what his qualms are about committing to her. He says that he has no qualms. He says she has continued to support him over and over and over again. And in two months she's become his best friend. And the passion and intimacy between them makes him more into what they have. And what they have is syntactically and grammatically abhorrent.
They go into the bathroom, I guess to avoid the cameras, which record their voices, undeterred. Beneric says he loves her and she says, "But you love her too, am I right?" He says, "Yes." She says, "And you said that to her." And he says, "Yes." And there is a long exhalation from her in lieu of her screaming at him that he's a jackass, since she's on TV. She even tells the camera that she's appreciative that he was honest enough to answer the question. And then he says he doesn't want to leave her tonight. Because you know what would really make everything better? Oral.
Thankfully everyone keeps their pants on, they say I love you to each other with no irony, and he departs, to masturbate regretfully and confusedly in his own hotel room, tragic figure that he is. He tells the camera, "I'm a lost man right now. Emotionally I'm lost, in terms of what to do I'm lost, and I also forgot what direction to go to get to the snack machine and ice maker." Except he only says that last part in his head.
Neil Lane shows up with the rings, and he asks Beneric about the woman he's chosen, but he hasn't chosen anyone, so this impedes him from choosing a ring. But then magically, as he looks at the ring, he realizes which woman he loves. Diamonds: they give you clarity. That was a diamond pun. Because I have to get through this last half hour somehow.
Beneric and the women all ponder their lives. They are all so attractive, how could they have any problems in life? It appears that nobody is safe from the whims of fate. Anyway, it seems Beneric has now decided he loves one of the women more than the other. I assume he picks Lauren because Jojo comes out first, and they always reject the first one.
Jojo approaches, looking gorgeous in a pink lace dress that looks like very classy lingerie. She says she trusts him more than anything and she hopes he won't blindside her. And now she starts orating at him about her love for him. Jojo, shut up. He's about to kick you to the curb. Stop talking before you make this worse for yourself! Aaah! Stop! This is so awkward that I'm going to pass out. He says he's found love with her "but I've found it with someone else more." OMG what a trainwreck! Her brothers are going to come beat his ass.
Now he tearfully says, "You asked me to be honest and I'm trying to be." She says, "I don't even know what to say, I'm blindsided, you told me I was your best friend, you told me you loved me, where did it go wrong?" Valid points, Jojo. He walks her out and they cry and hug. She leaves in the limo, crying, and he says he doesn't deserve Jojo. Truth.
Now Lauren's turn. Beneric calls her dad on the phone for his permission to propose. Because women are property. Or it's cute. Whatever floats your boat. I hope nobody asks my permission or my husband's permission to marry my kids. They have their own brains, although when they eat dirt or bite each other, it may be disputable.
Lauren emerges from the helicopter looking elegant, blonde, and generic, like Grace Kelly crossed with some random girl at the mall. Their kids will be completely symmetrical and never have any acne and this family will never need to read my book. Now Beneric emerges and after the mandatory recognition of each other's physical attractiveness, she begins to orate as well. I assume the orations are encouraged by the producers. She repeats that she loves him, and he looks happy. He says he came into this feeling unlovable, and here we go again.
He says, "Lauren, I never want to say goodbye to you," and the happiness on her face is really touching. He says he wants to live for her, hug her, kiss her, spend the rest of his life with her, and he gets down on one knee and says, "Jojo, will you marry me?" No, but that would have been hilarious. She (Lauren, not Jojo, for the record) says yes and they kiss, and they tell each other they are each other's person. He gives her the final rose, and they laugh and kiss and every woman who is single in America takes a shot of vodka and an Ambien and calls it a night. Except the ones that text message their narcissistic ex-boyfriends and invite them over for meaningless and soul crushing sex.
Now there's a clip of Beneric's mom saying she would pick Jojo for him. LOL. Thanks Mom. Well, she said it before he made the decision, so she's not undermining him on purpose.
We move on to After the Final Rose, which better include a wedding because otherwise that's false advertising, Chris Harrison, you liar. Beneric comes out, saying he's so happy and blah blah. He says watching himself dump Jojo makes his stomach hurt. Poor guy. Maybe you shouldn't have first told her you loved her. That would have been one possible preventive measure.
Jojo comes out and is gracious and beautiful. Ten bucks says she's with a new dude. Or else she's going to be the new Bachelorette. This type of poise doesn't come from nowhere. She says she's really happy for both Beneric and Lauren, and watching the show helped her understand that he was closer with Lauren than with her. What a highly evolved creature she is.
They talk a bit more and then the new Bachelorette is announced, and I called it! It's Jojo. No wonder she could care less about Beneric. She's on the gravy train now, and she's going to be the one test-driving three studs in the Fantasy Suite. All the tabloids said the Bachelorette was going to be Caila. I wonder what happened. Maybe they found out that Caila isn't white. Crazy family > non-white in Bachelor-land.
Now Lauren emerges from backstage looking radiant in a white minidress. Does this foreshadow an on-air wedding? Lauren discusses how Beneric was honest with her about telling Jojo he loved her, and he told her the next day after the engagement. And it was too late for her to get out by then, I guess. She discusses that she is moving to Denver soon and she says they want to date a while first, so I guess no wedding. Jimmy Kimmel stands up in the audience and moves around naked dolls to ask what happens in the fantasy suite and it's mildly amusing.
Now they tell Beneric that his pastor is here and he can marry her if he wants to right now, and he starts sweating, and he says he thinks that he wants a normal wedding with friends and family. That was awkward. Now Beneric brings out Lauren's family as a surprise so he can ask for her dad's permission in front of her or something. Oh no, he wants to propose again. Some women don't get any proposals and this woman gets two! Blondes have more fun, I tell you. Beneric's hot dad talks about how awesome Lauren is. Aww.
And now that my fingers hurt from typing, I believe this season of the Bachelor is officially OVER. Stick a fork in it, guys. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Someone In One Of These Two Families Needs To Become A Serial Killer Or Else The Sheer Amount of Normality Here Is Obscene.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.