This week, for the first time in Bachelorette History we had not 2, not 3, not 4 but 5 hometown dates. Not 1 but 2 rejected bachelors returned, 1 actually got to stay, and the surprises kept on coming. . .
Reid: It's Always Awkward in Philadelphia
The date began as usual, with Jillian running toward Reid. He just stood there - but at least he brought her a coffee. They had a quick chat and sort of kissed - as usual it was awkward.
Reid's family had been nicely prepped on Bachelorette-lingo. His mother told Jillian Reid was afraid to "lay too much on the line". His brothers told Jillian Reid was single because he had been hurt before and had a fear of commitment. Reid's dad told him to jump into the relationship "head over heels", even though he might get hurt.
Reid's mom really wanted him to make some babies already because he was almost thirty - in fact his birthday was two days away. So naturally, there was a "surprise party", which consisted of Reid's sisters in law and grandmother bringing a cake. (Surprise #1 of the episode)
Reid's family was impressed with Reid's awkward PDA, then Jillian put a child on her lap and Reid said he thought he could be falling in love with her. Jillian said she'd fallen for Reid and his family and made out with him on the doorstep - which was surprisingly un-awkward.
Michael : The family that could not sit still
Then it was on to Michael's family home in Valencia, CA where the floors are very buoyant. First Michael arrived home, jumped up and down a bit and was greeted by his family jumping up and down and cheering. When Jillian arrived, there was even more jumping. Then, Michael and his twin brother tried to pull a switcheroo on Jillian, but she caught them right away...and Michael jumped in frustration.
(Note : While planning the prank, Michael told his brother, "If you kiss her, I'll punch you right in the face." That reminded me of the very first episode when Michael said of Jillian, "She punched me in the face with how beautiful she looked." And I wondered if maybe there was a looming violent underbelly, beneath all the adorableness. Could "break dancing instructor" be code for "fight club leader"?)
Then it was time for the heart-to-hearts. Michael's dad told gave his son that sage home-visit advice: he shouldn't let the possibility of getting hurt hold him back. Michael's mom told Jillian how much Michael adored her. Jillian told Michael's brother she was still worried about how young he was (4 years younger!). His brother told her that since they were little, he and Michael had dreamed of marrying young. (Note to aspiring Bachelor/ette Contestants out there: you have to have some pretty strange childhood dreams to get on this show) Jillian felt assured Michael was ready for marriage.
At dinner the family continued to drool over Jillian, and it was time for surprise #2 of the episode: a visit from Michael's sister who lives in Australia. That was followed by a family dance party in the living room which was, as expected, adorable.
Kiptyn: Meet the Perfects
Next stop: Carmel Valley, California. For something new, Jillian ran toward Kiptyn when she saw him. Kiptyn was the only one this week to run toward her too. Jillian called him "that guy I've always dreamed of being with." Kiptyn's family had a big fancy house and that kind of perfection worried Jillian. Little did she know, the house was just the beginning.
First, his parents took Jillian into the back yard, where they had installed a hot tub in her honor. Then, there was a test. Jillian had to choose between two kinds of lasagna, and two glasses of wine. Serious stuff. Jillian worried that if she chose wrong she would "totally offend them." But luckily, she passed, so they didn't stone her or anything. Then his parents showed off their French and Jillian again worried that such a "polished... educated... refined... well traveled" family would think she was a hillbilly.
Kiptyn's mom, Eve, took some time to grill and intimidate (Jillian's words) our Bachelorette. Eve told Jillian she thought unconditional love was an unrealistic, old-fashioned idea. But she had no problem asking Jillian what she would change about herself to make Kiptyn happy. Uh. That's much more progressive.
In the end, Kiptyn's mom said she appreciated Jillian's honesty and could definitely see her as a daughter in law. She even told Jillian she gave Kiptyn a little spark that she hadn't seen in a long time. Finally, acceptance! Then Jillian and Kiptyn went to the hot tub to make out a little, while his mom looked on disapprovingly from the window.
Jesse: In the Name of Kovacs Brothers Wine
In a lush field owned by Kovacs Brothers Wine, Jillian ran toward Jesse who at least had open arms, as he stood there and watched. On this date, we learned Wes wasn't the only bachelor leeching off the free publicity.
Jillian had dinner with Jesse's parents and brother, who appeared to model himself after Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin couldn't believe Jesse was seriously considering marriage and basically called all women gold-diggers. Jillian politely refuted and Jesse back her up saying all girls need "is like- a nice landscape and fresh air". (I guess food and shelter are more secondary?) But Joaquin's skepticism melted away when Jesse told him Jillian owned her own house, and was even interested in embarking on a joint business venture. Suddenly, he thought Jillian was "a cutie".
Jillian told Joaquin she loved Jesse's dedication to his business and was interested in being a part of it. His brother loved hearing this so much, he gave her some insider info on Jesse. Apparently Jesse is " an emotional ice cube...who can be like a [fist]" and Joaquin had yet to see anyone who could "crack his shell". Aha! That's why Jesse seemed so void of personality. He is an Ice-Cube-Fist-Egg! Henceforth, that is what I shall call him.
Then it was time for a family jam session with Ice-Cube-Fist-Egg on drums, Joaquin on guitar, dad on tambourine and the women as back-up dancers. Jillian again expressed her interest in the family business.
As she left, Ice-Cube-Fist-Egg compared his love for Jillian to a good wine: you take it slow, letting it mature, before you take full advantage of it. We learned that you should also take full advantage of opportunities to promote your business on TV.
Wes: The Search for Truth in Texas
Wes continued to have bad intentions and Jillian continued to be oblivious. The date began with Jillian running toward him, while he stood quite still. He then told her he had a surprise (#3). Not only would she get to meet his family- she would also meet...his band! Cut to: Wes telling the camera his goal was to have people hear his music. Wrong reasons, wrong reasons...
Playing with his band, Wes proved he actually knows more than one song (surprise #4). Jillian was in heaven. But she kept asking Wes if he was into her and he kept saying yes, whilst acting generally shady.
Meanwhile, Jake marched through an airport with luggage, monotonous music and a determined look on his face. On his way to protect Jillian, Jake revealed that Wes told him about a girlfriend "on numerous occasions." He showed up at Jillian's hotel room door, making him the bearer of Surprise #5.
After much pausing, with a dramatic underscore, Jake told Jillian Wes had a girlfriend named Laurel. He told Jillian he didn't want her back, he just wanted her to be with a guy who was worthy of her. A shocked Jillian swore a bit and thanked Jake for coming. She decided to sit down with Wes "and grill him as hard as I can grill him". But since that wasn't appropriate for network television, she decide to confront him with questions instead. Wes denied the charges, so Jillian summoned Jake.
On his way to her room, with valiant music playing underneath, Jake said he'd protect Jillian, "whatever that means". True to his word, he partook in a dangerous Battle of the Men in Tight Jeans and Button-Down Shirts Sitting on a Couch. Jake kept telling Wes to admit he had a girlfriend, Wes kept denying it and Jillian just sat between the two of them. Eventually Jake left and cried outside the hotel.
Jillian wondered: "Do I trust the all American perfect guy or do I trust the all Texan bad boy?" Obviously, she went with the latter. She had dinner with Wes' sisters, mom and step-mom, who all sung Wes' praises. Jillian fel t relieved and decided to follow her heart; Wes decided to call Jake a backstabbing piece of bleep.
Back to LA
Jillian returned to LA and proclaimed: "at this point I cannot handle anymore surprises". Right then there was a knock on her door and it was....Ed saying, "Surprise!" (#6!)
Ed told J he made a huge mistake, felt terrible, couldn't stop thinking about her and wanted another shot. Jillian worried it would be unfair to the other guys, but asked Ed to come to the Rose Ceremony anyway and they hugged it out.
Rose Ceremony
Jillian said, "Tonight's rose ceremony is borderline excruciating." Chris said, "Tonight was going to be tough. Now... it's going to be incredibly tough". Somehow, though, everyone made it through.
Booted: Ice-Cube-Fist-Egg and Michael.
(I'd say Wes' staying was Surprise #7, but by this point, it's clear that the powers that be at ABC are willing to drag out that conflict for as long they possibly can)
When he departed Michael was, in true form, the most adorable thing on earth. After graciously praising the remaining guys, he said he had nothing negative to say about J. He did muse aloud, "Oh man I straight up loved that girl didn't I?" and wished he could tell her she was beautiful, that he'd miss her and to be happy. So obviously, I have officially moved on from Ed to Michael. Underground fight club in Astoria, here I come!
Next Week's Drinking Game:
Jillian laughs or cries
Bleeped out swearing
Words having to do with the future: husband, kids, marriage, life, future, etc...