A few years ago I felt like my heart was breaking. I literally felt like someone has taken an axe and cut my heart into two pieces, actually not just two pieces but millions of small pieces that were scrambling for a safe haven, they were running around looking to find solace from the pain and agony of being crushed and broken. Yes of course I was feeling this way because I had been rejected and judged for who I was -- yet again. I was made to feel inadequate and dumb because of voicing my opinion and in the end I was ashamed to be me.
Maybe the voices in my head were right, that I wasn't lovable and that no one could ever love me because of the person I was. But what I had I done that was so hurtful and wrong? Was it so criminal to wear your heart on your sleeve, to just show people the unconditional love you have for them? No I don't know how to play games and be a hypocrite in the matters of the heart, was that my fault?
I spent a few days walking around with a dark shadow over my soul with my heart broken into pieces, yet I managed a fake smile and continued with my daily chores. Isn't it interesting as humans we can do that? We can be dying a slow death inside yet act like we are ready to conquer the world from the outside. So I did that for a few days but then it started to impact my sanity.
I started to wake up many times at night with dreams of falling into a dark hole or of a big scary creature running after me and I had nowhere to go. I woke up hyperventilating and sometimes screaming, and then like an idiot I would question myself -- what the hell was wrong with me? What was the big deal if I wasn't good enough for another human being?
After my self esteem was butchered my ego jumped up and down and told me that obviously I was better than the other person and that they didn't deserve me. How could someone so unworthy of my feelings make me feel so little? I was the best I was perfect and had done nothing wrong in the relationship; obviously the problem was in me being perfect and the other being crazy.
So now I had a battle going on in my soul -- it was of the broken heart with low self esteem and an over enlarged ego telling me I was perfect. How the hell was I supposed to resolve this? So of course I did what I always do -- I started writing.
I wrote about why rejection was so hard for me, and it hit me that as humans we feel that if someone doesn't reciprocate our feelings the way we want them to, it's assumed that we are being rejected. We are less of a human being or basically unloveable. However the truth is way different. We all have different ways of showing love. For some of us we will bend backwards and do whatever is in our power to please our partner. For others that are frightened to show their feelings they push their loved ones away not even realizing they are doing that. In order to get through any broken relationship we need to put the low self esteem and the big ego aside. They are both deal breakers and only push us away from the potential relationships we can have. The low self esteem will tell us we are unworthy while the ego will tell us everyone else in unworthy so neither of them are healthy for a relationship.
We are all worthy of love and appreciation we just need to open our eyes, heart and soul to see it.