The Three Dangers Of Divorce

01/16/2017 02:12 pm ET Updated Jan 17, 2018

Divorce.

It certainly has its positives.

You no longer have to be with somebody who makes you feel the way you feel.

Look, we all know we're responsible for our own feelings.

We all know we're responsible for how we choose to feel.

But when you're with somebody that you don't love, that literally makes your skin crawl, it's hard to choose feelings until you're free.

The beauty of divorce is you get to go and learn all the lessons and get to really go out there and find the right person for you based on every lesson you've learned, so there's some great positives about divorce.

But here are the dangers.

Danger number one: The triggers.

If you share kids with somebody, there are going to be these things called the marriage fights that will continue during the span of your lifetime or until the kids hit a certain age and you no longer have to communicate.

A lot of the times, because you are still connected, you don't really have the time to really free yourself from that other person.

You see, when you break up with just a regular person or you don't have children with somebody, you go through the grieving process.

You grieve, you get your mojo back, you get your feminine energy back, and then you back out there and date. You don't talk to the person who you used to be with, who made you feel certain things, and who you knew was no longer good for you.

But, the problem with divorce is that you're forced to have to stay in it literally until the children hit a certain age.

So you'll have to do what? That's the next danger of divorce.

Danger of divorce number two: The words.

The words that still sting, the words that still trigger you, the feeling of having to fight back and defend yourself. You see, you got divorced because the pattern of your relationship was just that. They would say something, you would react, and then you'd go down into that rabbit hole. That rabbit hole was defending yourself, getting into conversations that went absolutely nowhere with no solution at all.

What happens during that process is that you realize you're no longer wanting to be together because you can't make it work. Neither one of you is hearing the other person.

So what happens after divorce? Well, if you're still connected via children, that same rabbit hole still exists, and that's something you need to really learn how to avoid.

You need to avoid the rabbit hole, so you need to realize that the words or the dynamic or the way one of you was trying to control the other one, they no longer have that power.

A good a friend, who's divorced, told me one. She told me that words are flower pedals. Just imagine them that way. Do not react to them. If they're trying to pick a marriage fight after divorce, if they're trying to continue in the same dynamic, you need to ignore because you don't need to answer to them at all any more.

The only answers you need and the only conversations you need to have are when you're going to pick up the kids, talking about the kids' school, the kids' health, and that's about it.

And that leads to dangers of divorce number three.

The kids.

There is a great chance that the kids are going to side with one parent over the other. It doesn't matter how old the child is might be. A child might want to just stay at the mom's house or the dad's house more.

There's going to be that dynamic. You're lucky if there isn't.

A lot of people I know battle with their children.

It's tougher to get the kids to stay over. Once they do, they have fun, but once they get back into the grips of the other parent, it becomes the battle all over again.

That's the reason why there are great child custody people, because children need both children. Whether a child wants to be with mom more or dad more, it doesn't matter. Both parents need to be equally involved in a child's life for the child to really grow the way it needs to grow.

That's why the court's child therapist want both parents heavily involved in a kids life.

Kids are young and the danger of divorce, especially with some parents, is that it allows the children to make big decisions.

A decision like oh, you don't want to stay at mom's house tonight or dad's house? That's okay, we'll just talk to dad or mom and tell them that.

A child should not have that pressure or have that decision.

But of course, there are always the parents that like that.

They love the fact that the kid wants to be with them all the time. They thrive on that, because they are not built to be without their children and they think that they have every right to the kid. They don't think about the future, about what that time apart from the other parent is doing to the child's development.

Look in the mirror right now if you're one of those parents that severely try to dominate a kids life.

Take a look how you are in your personal relationships. Take a look how you are when it comes down to your relationships with the opposite sex. Take a look at everything. Take a look at all your friendships that you have and take a look at the people who are, well, better functioning adults because they had two wonderful parents in their life. Take a look at the people who were raised by single moms or single dads, or parents who were absent. Take a look at the man who really didn't have a mom in his life or the woman who didn't have a father available to her. Take a look at the issues they're having right now.

All the issues that we have can be traced back to our childhood.

So these are some of the dangers of divorce. Sure, you think you go and meet somebody fantastic, but you have to be aware of what the dangers are, as well, and how you're going to navigate them.