COMEDY
09/28/2015 04:44 pm ET

Things You'll Do Because You Didn't Shower Today

No, you didn't. Liar.

We don't want to know the circumstances of why you didn't shower. The point is, you're here, and you're filthy. "So, now what?" you're asking.

Whoa there, easy, Pig Pen. Here's what.

  • Cologne. Always step one.
    And try to look sexy while applying. Otherwise, it won't work.
    Roman Maerzinger via Getty Images
    And try to look sexy while applying. Otherwise, it won't work.
  • In the absence of cologne, deodorant as cologne.
    The less said, the better.
    Symphonie via Getty Images
    The less said, the better.
  • Remember: Under no circumstances should you raise your arms.
    Sweat coming out of your pits? No. That's shame.
    John Lund/Sam Diephius via Getty Images
    Sweat coming out of your pits? No. That's shame.
  • Wear all the hats.
    Yeah, this guy gets it.
    Jupiterimages via Getty Images
    Yeah, this guy gets it.
  • Plan alternate routes around the office to avoid person-to-person interaction.
    You don't know your office schematics guy?? What kind of bush-league operation is this?!
    Torsakarin via Getty Images
    You don't know your office schematics guy?? What kind of bush-league operation is this?!
  • Having just rolled out of bed, convince people you're going for that messy, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
    "My hair is 100 percent intentional. I voluntarily did this to myself."
    Dynamic Graphics via Getty Images
    "My hair is 100 percent intentional. I voluntarily did this to myself."
  • Resort to the desperate office sink "shower."
    You're finally living the hobo life, just like your hobo father always wanted.
    Mike Harrington via Getty Images
    You're finally living the hobo life, just like your hobo father always wanted.
  • Fake a phone call pretending something bad happened to an imaginary friend so people associate your disheveled look with grief, not laziness.
    "PHONE CALL!"
    DAJ via Getty Images
    "PHONE CALL!"
  • Eat a salad to slightly increase the appearance of a body that is A-OK.
    "Not showered? Don't be ridiculous! Look at this healthy salad I'm eating! Heh, I take care of myself, don't you worry!"
    Baerbel Schmidt via Getty Images
    "Not showered? Don't be ridiculous! Look at this healthy salad I'm eating! Heh, I take care of myself, don't you worry!"
  • Remind yourself you're saving money on water and toiletries!
    Maybe this not showering isn't so bad!
    JGI/Jamie Grill via Getty Images
    Maybe this not showering isn't so bad!

 

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