In a continuing spirit of goodwill, I have dedicated this post to a few particularly entertaining internet diversions that have kept me occupied, if not productive, this past week. Think of this column as a Cliffs Notes to the internet, culling down a massive anthology of information and entertainment into a digestible guide to the best of what's around. May these little nuggets provide to you the minutes of distraction needed to fight those mid-afternoon doldrums.
1. In October of 1999, Nicholas White, a Production Manager at Business Week magazine, went out for a smoke break, and, on his return to the office, got into the slowest express elevator ever: he ended up being stuck for 41 hours. This video accompanies a longer piece in The New Yorker which discusses his plight, and the history of the vertical-transportation industry in general.
A few quick thoughts about this truly incredible video. First off, this guy seems to handle himself pretty well, all things considering. I would have been crying for 40 of the 41 hours in there, if it were me. Second, could they have picked a better song? Even the name is perfect: "The Storm Begins," by Jennifer Haines. This is one of the most memorable and fitting music choices for something so unsettling since "Lux Aeterna" at the end of Requiem for a Dream (which actually messed me up so much that I can't, in good conscience provide a link to it. Find it yourself if you have more guts than I do).
However, even though it looks like he handled the actual ordeal well, the story does not have a happy ending (making the music that much better). Basically, this elevator ride ruined the guy's life. Instead of returning to work, he pursued a lawsuit against the Elevator company, and now lives at home with his parents, unemployed. Work itself couldn't break him, so the ride to work did instead. It's like the exact opposite of Office Space, where Tom Smykowski breaks his back, legs, and just about everything else, but glows when he tells Peter, "Good things do happen. I mean, look at me!", because he doesn't have to work anymore.
2. On the Office Space tip, and as a minute of good karma to make up for the absolute downer that is Nicholas White's elevator ride, check out this $250,000 question on Who Wants to be a Millionare:
3. As a former high school and collegiate baseball player, I've always had a particular interest in the "entrance" songs the players choose to get emotionally ready for their appearance, and can say on good authority that most baseball players spend a good chunk of time laboring over their selection. It's a pretty serious thing for most athletes, crucial to how prepared they are going to be stepping up to the plate or entering the game. To wit, my freshmen year of college. As a relief pitcher whose services were not often required, I was sometimes responsible for the PA system during home games, and therefore in charge of what songs to play. The captain gave me a detailed list of what to play for whom; a bit of straight up hip-hop, some WWF-sounding stuff, and your Metallica's and what-not. A few players had dared me to mix it up for one of the seniors on the team, so instead of his usual number, for his second at bat of the game I gave him Enrique Inglesias's "Be With You." It got a laugh from the dugout, and it got me a soaking wet uniform for the next day's game. Point taken.
All of this backstory explains why I was so horrified to learn of Ryan Howard's song from this blog , Apparently Howard has chosen the John Mayer song, "Say", the theme from The Bucket List. This is really almost by definition the exact opposite of the normal entrance song. Also of interest on this blog, called "Children of the Kemp", is the awarding of a "Kemp of the Week" to any athlete that embodies The Reign Man's prodigious talent , disregard for birth control, and questionable moral compass.
4. While we're talking about baseball, there is an interesting article on Slate about the enduring love for the 1989 Upper Deck Ken Griffey Jr. Card. As an owner of this card and 85 other Griffey cards from my days as an adolescent in love, it's interesting to hear about the logistics and trivia of this particular piece of cardboard.
5. And staying on sports, Sports Illustrated just released their list of the 50 highest earning U.S. athletes . It should not surprise anyone that Tiger Woods is at the top, but what is downright shocking is that #2 is Phil Mickelson. Granted, the dip between 1 and 2 is significant, but I don't think anyone would have guessed Lefty was so well paid (I personally would have thought A-Rod would have been higher too). A few points jump out at you; first, how large a chunk of earnings come from endorsements, especially for golfers and other athletes from individual sports (Dale Earnhardt Jr. rep's NASCAR at #11). Also, this shows just how popular golf is; it's one of the only sports adults can play, and therefore one of the only sports with athletes that adults can fully relate to. I don't know how many people choose their financial services by watching Tiger or Phil, but certainly in terms of golf products, clubs, and courses, getting a seal of approval from an elite definitely helps. It also probably has something to do with their images; both of these guys look like trustworthy, admirable, normal guys - though that doesn't explain Kobe at #5.
6. Born and raised in New York City, I never had much use for driving. When I was in a car I was usually in the backseat worrying about the taxi meter, not in the driver's spot thinking of blind spots or pedestrians. I didn't get my license until I was almost out of college, and even then it was mostly to suppress my embarrassment, not out of any necessity.
And yet I'm enthralled by the "build your own" features on most car websites, allowing me to manufacture at least a small part of a future dream life. Personally, I've always had a thing for Mini Coopers; my roommate would say it's the part of me that thinks, "different is cool", but what can I say, they look like a lot of fun. In any event, their site has the most comprehensive build-your-own feature, and it's a joy to navigate. You can choose whether you want racing stripes, a Union Jack roof, chrome side view mirrors, etc. It's an orgiastic display of individualism. Of course, if your tastes are more upscale, you can hit up BMW and Audi, where the next Donaldson Dream Machine is most likely being assembled right now.
7. Esquire.com currently has a section on the Best Bars in America . Generally, when bars come recommended from a magazine or somewhere culturally "significant", chances are they a crap bars full of crap people. It's just how it works. But this list seems to be put together with the average guy in mind, someone who knows how to act around liquor and in front of strangers. Not a grizzled alcoholic, but not a kid pledging a fraternity either.
This is particularly relevant to me since for the first time in my adult life I have a real, live, Favorite Bar. I don't even want to say it's name for fear of jinxing it....but it's called Shoolbred's, on 12th and 2nd in NYC. There, I said it. Just don't go ruining it for me, ok?
8. The funniest commercial currently on the air, not produced for ESPN, has to be the new Holiday Inn commercial for the, "Masters of Business Accommodation." Brought to us by Fallon, the Agency responsible for great work for clients ranging from Rolling Stone magazine to Miller Lite (all the while being based out of Minnesota!), this ad stars the actor Phillip Baker Hall, best known either as a member of Paul Thomas Anderson's usual troupe, or as Bookman the library cop from Seinfeld.
This ad also follows on the heels of Holiday Inn's great ads from the past few years. Two are below:
9. In anticipation of the release of Get Smart later this month, Wired magazine gives us 6 improbable and fantastic examples of how our Intelligence Agencies used the fantastical imaginations of the Entertainment industry to develop ludicrous and awesome secret gadgets. My question is, why hasn't the camera watch become available to the public yet? We've got camera's in phones, why not timepieces?
10. I just watched Walk Hard for the first time the other day, and have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I don't know why I wasn't more excited to see it; it's got a terrific cast (including all the big players, including Jena Fischer and the guy who plays Darryl on The Office), and seemed to send up Walk the Line pretty well. Turns out the film spoofs a lot more than Johnny Cash; Dewey's different musical periods provide for takes on Punk Rock, the late '60's Berkeley scene, and, in one of the most inspired bits, Bob Dylan:
That's it for now; hopefully some of the above provide a temporary respite from work and kindle some worthy conversations. And if anyone has anything to add, anything they think I should see, please let me know. My quest for Internet diversions is far from complete.