"Health...the final frontier..."
Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Chekhov and an anonymous security guard have beamed down to a planet's surface. Lest there be any confusion, these are the characters from the 1960's television part of the 23rd century.
Kirk: Mr. Spock! What's happened to the security guard?
Mr. Spock: Captain, it would appear he has been turned into a cube.
Kirk: Bones! Can you do anything for him?
Bones: He's uninsured, Jim.
Bones: Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor - not an insurance claims adjuster!
Kirk: Recommendation, Mr. Spock?
Spock: We must take the cube to a new system.
Kirk: System? What system? The Rigel system? The Alpha Centauri system?
Spock: No, captain. The single-payer system.
Bones: Blast it, Spock! That's the Klingon system! Even the Klingons don't like it! Do you want this cube to have to wait on a really long line for substandard service?
Spock: On the contrary, doctor, the Klingons are happy with their system, have minimal wait times and keep their costs down. They also make really good bacon -
Kirk: Bones, Spock! I want answers! What should I do? Tell me!
Spock: Captain, although I appreciate your unwillingness to lead on this issue, you are the one who must decide whether to extend health benefits to everyone on the Enterprise.
Kirk: I come from Earth, which, in the 23rd century, is ruled by the U.S. Therefore, Earth is the only planet in the universe that doesn't have universal health care. Anyway, true health comes from fostering competition, say, between the Gorn and the Salt Monster.
Bones waves his medical scanner over Kirk.
Kirk: What are you charging for that scan?
Bones: Don't worry. For you, only $3,000.
Spock: What is your diagnosis, doctor?
Bones: Jim, you're under the influence of something.
Bones: I don't know. It says you're under the influence of something that spends 30% of its total national expenditure on overhead, charges its customers for its own TV commercials and also for its own profits.
Kirk: What am I under the influence of? Mind control? An illusion? Those weird little kids who said "Study study study or bonk bonk bonk on the head?"
Spock: No, captain. It's the insurance companies.
Chekhov: I am familiar with insurance. It was inwented in Russia.
Kirk: No, it wasn't! And the correct pronunciation is "invented," not "inwented."
Chekhov: (Under his breath) Ahh, go back to your mother's wagina.
Bones: Spock! Do a mind meld with Jim. If anyone can get him out from under the influence of the insurance companies, it's you. You're almost as logical as New York Rep. Anthony Weiner, when he appeared on Morning Joe to discuss health care.
Bones: Just click on the link.
Spock: I can do that. But I can't do a mind meld.
Spock: (To Kirk) Because you're not covered for mind meld.
Kirk: Spock! What are you saying?
Bones: Damn it, you're a Vulcan!
Chekhov: Wrong. He is half Wulcan, half insurance agent.
Spock: Now, if you'd like to be covered I have some papers for you to sign.
Bones: I'd rather be a cube.
Spock: Live long and prosper. If you can afford it.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.