To the Woman Now With My Narcissistic Ex

Buckle up sweetheart, because you are in for one hell of a roller coaster ride that will come to a screeching, painful halt leaving your self-esteem shattered, your heart eviscerated, and your trust in men ruined.

Understand that I do not write this from a place of anger. I have moved beyond that phase—one that you too will certainly go through. Instead, I write this as a precaution to what you, another one of his countless victims, will encounter.

I don’t blame you for being “the other woman.” I do, however, believe you lack decency and respect for committed relationships, but you were just another one of his targets that fed his narcissistic need when I stopped. I understand that now. He had a choice, but so did you. And now, you’ve got him.

For that, I pity you.

Now back to that roller coaster ride

You probably feel that you are the luckiest woman to have found such a perfect partner, right? You are amazed by his attentiveness and his love for you?

Newsflash—a narcissist is incapable of true love. They need people to fill their void of low self-esteem and self-worth. And right now, you are that means. The sooner you understand that the better off you will be.

He has targeted you to woo. And when he feels confident that you are convinced that he is the ideal partner…

Look out! The first big drop is coming up

Suddenly, without logical reason, you will be given the silent treatment. When you attempt to discuss why he’s distant you will hear a laundry list of things you have done wrong. You are the one with the issue, not him; it is never him! You may catch him in a lie and question it—and oh my, the answer will be rock-solid convincing. So much so that you start doubting yourself.

I hate to break to you Boo, but your pressing questions are depleting his much needed narcissistic supply. He’s growing bored and has already started to look elsewhere. In fact, I know he’s already cheating on you and has been doing so before he moved in with you.

You won’t see it now, but this is a game for him. Cheating is way to boost his fragile ego and then supercharges it by covering his tracks and manipulating the truth. Being duplicitous is second nature to him. Does he go out and tell you he is with friends? (Friends that you have never met?) Is he spending time on his phone in the bathroom? Does he seem disconnected while having sex?

Just so you know, around the same time he moved in with you he called me from an unidentified number. Before I silently hung up, he quickly expressed regret in cheating with you—a woman that “means nothing.” His words.

He is a master at deception, deflecting responsibility, weaving lies, sabotaging plans… but ohh, just you wait, because the real fun is coming.

The loop-the-loop begins

Has he become moody or grown more distant? Has he hurled insults or hurtful comments but never recognizes or apologizes for them? Or better yet, does he blame you for being too sensitive? Does he gaslight? This sweetheart, is emotional abuse. Do yourself a favor and research the topic.

Eventually when he can’t get his supply by other targets, he’ll come back around and feign an apology so he can get back to what’s important—filling his narcissistic supply. He offers you just enough of that disguised ideal boyfriend that you distrust your own intuition.

This loop-the-loop of hot and cold, crazy-making self-doubt will go on for as long as it is filling his need and for as long as you accept it.

Trust me, after time you won’t be able to tolerate it anymore; there is only so much you can take. You will surely grow frustrated at having your feelings trivialized and the cruel games played to undermine you. You will silently wonder in the middle of the night who the stranger is lying beside you. You may begin to feel depressed as you question your own ability to sustain a healthy relationship.

Yet, without conscience, guilt or remorse he will continue to use you for whatever resources you provide and wear you down. There’s a threshold to the insidiousness of it all, however, you can bet he will find that limit to push and push until…

It screeches to a stop

Either you will end it, in an attempt to preserve the remaining shards of your dignity and sanity or he will vanish.

When you come to realize that you were manipulated, lied to, cheated on, and deceived in every way by this perfect man, your soul will scream in rage. Your head will ache from trying to make sense of it all. Every ounce of your being will hurt from the ways you’ve been violated.

One thing is certain, you will not be the same person you were when you first met him.

I truly hope you see that this is not a fun ride.  

But most of all, I hope you realize it for your young daughter’s sake. She too has undoubtedly fallen for his charms. Your perfect guy will win her admiration for the sole purpose of filling his ego. Just like you, your daughter is being used. And eventually, just like yours, her world will crash.

It’s in your hands now. I know if someone warned me what a “relationship” with a narcissist was like, I would have jumped off fast. But you are not me and I don’t know you. For all I know, you may be just as cunning and are playing him to fill your needs. Or maybe roller coasters are just your thing.

Regardless, buckle up Boo. The narcissist will always win.

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