Now that another Taylor Swift boyfriend has bit the dust, we expected a new album of Swift-fueled girl-power breakup anthems to be on the way. This is what the prophecies have stated to hold true now and for eternity.
But, man, nobody thought Swift would put it together so quickly.
Swift apparently wrote a brand-new, still-untitled album specifically about former flame Calvin Harris, who was caught entering a massage parlor notorious for dishing out happy endings, and the track listing has already leaked.
1. "Guess What, Normal Guy? You've Got a Chance With Me Now"
2. "Rub and Tug My Heart"
3. "This Song is Specifically About Calvin's Small Penis"
4. "You Won't Believe How Many Pinterest Boards I'm Making About You Right Now"
5. "Gonna Enter a Big-Time Slutty Phase"
6. "I Will Spend My Fortune Destroying You"
7. "Thanks for the Inspiration"
8. "Definitely Don't Want You Back (Please Come Back) (No, No, Definitely Don't Want You Back)"
9. "The Devil is a Lie, Bitch, I'm the Proof"
10. "I'll Stop Writing About Breakups When You Stop Buying My Albums"
11. "I Gave You Perfectly Fine HJs"
12. "Who's Next? (feat. DMX, Twista, Nas, Bun B, Jay Z, Eminem, Xzibit, J. Cole, Ludacris, Kanye West, Tech N9ne, Rick Ross, Big Sean, Pusha T, 2 Chainz, Wiz Khalifa, Kendrick Lamar & Busta Rhymes)"
In case you missed it, this post is satire.
Steve DiMatteo is an editor of Robot Butt, a site that delivers high-octane comedy on a daily basis. Follow Robot Butt on Twitter and Instagram while giving further love at www.robotbutt.com.
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