Treason For Dummies, A Republican Handbook

01/03/2018 12:18 pm ET Updated Aug 04, 2018

As any Republican Senator or Congressman knows, using your position to enrich yourself, and your corporate owners, at the expense of The People you supposedly represent is the basis of any long-lasting political career.

However, while blatant hypocrisy is nothing new to the Grand Ole Party, committing treason for the first time can be a slippery slope, even for the most experienced, two-faced Republican. It’s not something you want to enter into lightly, as the penalties tend to be a bit harsher than your average, run-of-the-mill obstruction charge.

While, on one hand, you want to make sure that the President’s litany of crimes are swept under the rug as quickly as they appear, and any investigation that may arise as a result that threatens to undermine him, your party, or, more importantly, you, is swiftly buried in a sea of red tape so thick it would take decades and millions of taxpayer dollars to unravel, on the other, well, there is no other.

I was going to say, you want to make sure that whatever smokescreen you and your constituents concoct with respect to deflecting attention away from your guy when it comes to the media, as well as We The People, is a well thought out, mindbogglingly ingenious diversion that will have journalists and scholars scratching their heads for years to come.

But, who are we kidding? This is the age of the Orwellian “two plus two equals five” fact-bending mantra. Up is Down and Black is White. So, whereas, in days past, you may have in fact needed a viable alternate theory to distract inquiring minds from getting at “the Truth,” rejoice, for today nothing of the sort is needed. You are free to do what you want in plain sight, and there’s nothing anyone can do. After all, you’re a Congressman! You make the law!

However, while it’s true, breaking the law and trampling on the Constitution like a wet doormat in a Colorado winter has never been easier, you don’t want to come out and admit you’re a traitor, as there are still a few remaining officials here and there who have yet to quit in disgust and who might take offense to such brazen behavior. Just a few, but they’re still around.

With that in mind, this easy, three-step guide to committing treason and getting away with it should come in quite handy to any first time traitor looking to keep the public, and the world, away from the real business at hand. Profit.

Step 1. Fact-Manipulation. It is What You Say it is:

Remember when a fact used to be a fact? Well, those days are long gone. Now, facts can be anything you want them to be. Even if the evidence is overwhelming. As long as you don’t give in, there’s nowhere for the truth to go, except away.

For instance, If the President is caught standing over a dead body in the oval office, holding a bloody knife, all that’s required to convince everyone they’re wrong is a bit of creative thinking. Changing the facts is easier than you think. “That’s not a knife. That’s a hot chocolate. That’s not Hillary Clinton. That’s a lawn mower,” and so forth. The more you repeat it, the more it will begin to sink in and the media will have no choice but to report your new facts: That the President is not a mass-murderer, after all. He was simply mowing the lawn, indoors, while sipping a hot chocolate. None of which makes any sense, but none of the actions stated are illegal, or have anything to do with the President being guilty of a federal offense! Get it? It may take a while, but watching Press Sec. Sarah Sanders will definitely help. She is the Ninja master of fact manipulation.

Step 2. Getting Appointed Committee Chair:

The Committee Chairman is where the buck stops re: any annoyingly intrusive investigation into your using your power to run a massive criminal enterprise. Thus, making sure to get yourself appointed Committee Chair of any congressional body that could potentially cause harm and/or derail your months/years of hard work back-channeling with our enemies is paramount. After all, if the investigation points to you, and you’re the head of the investigation, you simply call off the investigation. Voila! No more unwanted federal agents or whiney liberals sniffing at your heels. And all in time for lunch, funded by John Q. Taxpayer!

Those pesky Dems have a witness they want to call who claims they have damning info on the President? “Sorry, we’re not seeing witnesses today. Can you come back in 2025?” A mountain of evidence is delivered by tractor trailer to the committee? “Oops. Where’d we park that damn truck?”

A textbook example of this type of misdirection/stonewalling is the great Houdini, AKA, Devin Nunes. Not only did Rep. Nunes pretend to recuse himself from the ongoing Russia investigation, he’s not even pretending anymore. He knows there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him. After all, he’s Committee Chair. Once you realize there’s no one higher up the ladder than you, who gives a sh#t what they think? Or, more importantly, what they know? Bravo, Congressman.

Step 3. Become the Speaker:

This is probably the most important step out of the three. The Speaker of the House is the most powerful person in Congress. Arguably, even more than the President. As the Speaker, no matter what happens, it’s your job to pretend it’s nothing and move on. Always move on.

The President violated forty-seven different sections of the Constitution in his first month? “He’s just new at this.” The House Intel Committee is stalling the Russia investigation? “What about all those Hillary supporters at the Dept. of Justice?” There’s a thousand and one dots connecting the President, his advisors, his family, his businesses, his friends, his pets and his housekeepers to Russia - ones even a three-year-old could prove. Are you the least bit concerned, Mr. Speaker? “Nope. Let’s move on. Jim?” And, just like that, all that incriminating evidence and testimony is gone, forever.

Following these three easy steps will not only protect you and your colleagues from a life behind bars, but do it long enough and the once unspeakable act of treason will become as routine as breathing. Not to mention, the benefits of colluding with a corrupt, oil-rich state that rewards its friends with unlimited “all-you-can-carry” trips to its overflowing bank vaults, go without saying.

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