A teenager in the small rural Missouri area where I live took her life this week. She had been bullied on social media until she finally gave in to the dark voices haunting her. It is increasingly common, and I am frightened that we could easily become a culture that allows this kind of bullying not only through social media, but increasingly in public as well.
Donald Trump is a prime example of this. He is a classic narcissistic personality. Just so that there is some point of reference, here are the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the DSM-5 (the manual therapists, doctors and psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illness) as listed on the Mayo Clinic website:
- Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerating your achievements and talents
- Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
- Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
- Requiring constant admiration
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
- Taking advantage of others to get what you want
- Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
- Being envious of others and believing others envy you
- Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
The danger of narcissism is primarily in the tenth criteria. A lack of empathy. Not knowing, or not caring about, the pain that you cause others. Acting without regard. This is at the heart of all bullying behavior and why narcissists favor bullying to keep their critics in line. To maintain the image of their own glory they crush critics with verbal assaults or other forms of attack. I refer the reader to Donald's attack on every reporter who has dared to be a journalist and question him.
“My fear, as a therapist who sees the very real human fall out from bullying, is that we are legitimizing it on a national scale.”
My fear, as a therapist who sees the very real human fall out from bullying, is that we are legitimizing it on a national scale. We are making the world less safe for dissenting opinions and more cruel. We have moved from the anonymous world of Twitter and Instagram to one where there is a bully out in the open, within reach of the most powerful seat in the world. We are bringing the monsters out of the dark and into the light. Applauding them in some circles and simply enjoying the show in others.
I am concerned that the uprising against this behavior has been pusillanimous at best. Whether it has been out of fear of the bully's reprisal or the lazy belief that he will not be taken seriously, Trump has not been really challenged regarding this bullying behavior by those surrounding him.
Too many of the conservatives that could speak out against this have not and the press enjoys the circus. Say what you will but Trump gives PT Barnum a run for his sideshow money and he sells commercial air time. But we are legitimizing the bully. At some point we have to stop and ask what the cost is.
Ratings skyrocket and commercial profits increase. Everybody wants to know what he has said this time. His bullying is legitimized. But what is it costing us? The bullying of the weak, the different, the stand outs becomes easier... cheaper.
Too many of my children's peers in high school have parents who cheer this man every time his Islamophobic rant hits the airways. Too many of these children watch as an entire segment of the population shrugs it's shoulders when he ridicules the disabilities of a reporter. Too many would rather give legitimacy to their own anger than be concerned over the example it sets for their children.
“The danger is that [Trump] has already created an environment where hatred and violence are acceptable responses.”
So when the word "whore" gets thrown out at a child on social media, when she is told she is worthless and disgusting and should 'kill herself' (all these I have seen numerous times with my own eyes), the bullying has newfound legitimacy. And so another teen takes her life, not seeing hope anywhere anymore. Not knowing the world can be better than she is seeing right in front of her.
The danger of Donald Trump is not that he will deport millions of people with brown skin because that’s an unrealistic, unmanageable goal and he knows that. The danger is that he has already created an environment where hatred and violence are acceptable responses.
Where bullying people who disagree who are women or minorities or disabled is OK because it’s a society of social darwinism and strength determines what is right. The danger is that he creates a world where threatening to kill someone’s family because of their actions is OK. He is creating such a world. How do I tell my clients who are coping with the symptoms of this kind of violence on a personal level that the world is really safer than that experience? Every day I see people who struggle with feeling safe in the world because of the horrors they have survived and this man is allowed to make it harder for them?
I sit with these children and young adults. I hear the schools they attend talk about anti bullying campaigns and I see them losing that battle because it is really, mostly, just talk. I sit with these young people and we rebuild what has been broken. But what of the ones that are not seeing anyone. Where do they go to feel safe in the world? Where do they go to find hope? Where was the light in the darkness of this young girl's life? We must do better.
_______________
If you -- or someone you know -- need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.