As we approach February and the theme of love, I know of no better way to begin what is coming in the next few weeks than to share an interview with someone well-versed in the affairs of the heart, Agapi Stassinopoulos, this week.
Dr. Cara Barker: I know of few better companions for those who want to live more heart-centered lives, Agapi, than you. Each of us is purposed to serve a greater design, and your part in this design, having read your newly-released book, is clear to me. For decades I have been drawn to "Healing Love Wounds," in their infinite and individualized forms. So, as I sat snuggled up by the fire, during our recent snowfall in Seattle, with your new release, Unbinding the Heart, I knew in an instant that I was reading the words of a sister. Not just any sister, either, but my Greek Agape sister. How perfect your name, which, as you tells us, means unconditional love. This is you.
The truth is that your book offers a feast. Reading this work, published by Hay House, is tantamount to a journey back home to my favorite country on this earth: Greece. You have a unique way of opening doorways to something so much deeper than what any tourist guide can show. Through your voice, we are welcomed into the heart of what has endured for centuries: the indomitable spirit of the Greek civilization as lived out today in the heart of the home. The love atmosphere you describe is something, I am sure, that every reader will long to share. You transport us into the intimate, with details that tantalize the senses, and delight the soul. Honestly, I felt as though I were alongside your family, sitting beneath your mother's lemon tree, all while feasting, Greek style, on feta, fresh grown tomatoes, olives and grapes. In one way, I am reminded of Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love, for I sense you have a classic on your hands. There is no worthier subject than, as you put it: "Come to know the truth in our own heart."
Your voice, and your capacity for storytelling attune the reader's heart to yours, as you welcome us through portals to the treasure within. It is clear that you are a woman of many expressive talents. I found myself wondering what you might say to the reader who says to him or herself:
"I wish I had Agapi's talent, but I don't. How do I unbind my heart?"
Agapi Stassinopoulos: It is everybody's birthright to find their truth, their heart. We have this spark, this light in us, but we have our difficulties and challenges, and we do not know how much others struggle inside themselves. So, to compare us to anyone is a death sentence ... The call of our soul, if we want this more than anything, the seed is in our heart, and all we have to do is ask and go after it over the years... "
Dr. Cara Barker: Unbinding the Heart seems to involve myth-busting. I was struck by the way you turn beliefs upside down regarding stardom, wealth, love and voice. I would like to read a few, and have your response as if your reader were here. You write: "My adventures in America would lead not to stardom, but to a soul journey in which I would peel away the layers and come to know my self."
"... I would learn the joy of letting my love out with no expectations of the outcome, but simply because that was the most liberating course of action..."
"... Most of my transformation came when things didn't work..." (p.11)
These, and other comments led me to the issue of shedding, and its role in unbinding the heart. We cannot grow, cannot transform our circumstances, without releasing our beliefs about who we are and what we must do to arrive. So often we get stuck in the belief that we are our conditions and circumstances. This is not true. What this also means is that we have a great deal of "shedding work" to do.
Shedding expectations: What would you say to someone out there who believes that they must continue turning somersaults to please others?
Agapi Stassinopoulos: I was one of those people, and I know the somersaults so well, the bending backwards. I was compulsive, what could I do to bring people together, to open doors? We have to backtrack and find the origin of this behavior. As a kid I took on the job of making my parents happy, but it carries on to other relationships.
Dr. Cara Barker: Shedding worry: Many people are caught in endless worry. Your mother's words are so helpful: "When you worry ... you're moving yourself away from your center and its much harder to function effectively. When you stop worrying you come back into balance."
What would you add?
Agapi Stassinopoulos: "It takes an inner muscle to please yourself, to ask yourself who is this inner being inside yourself, so you can unbind your human-ness."
"It is important to find our own strength and leadership, which is not easy for women. Suddenly, I have to ask myself my motivation? Is it to be liked? It is so much more fulfilling to express your own truth, to make yourself happy, to be there for yourself, which overflows to others... and to invite them into your orchard!"
Dr. Cara Barker: Let's take a moment for the skeptics. You and I know there are those who would argue: "But isn't the world in trouble because people are too self-absorbed... " I have my answer for these folks, but I think we would benefit from hearing yours.
Agapi Stassinopoulos: I am not here to convince anyone. Each person must determine what is best for his or her own life. This is our freedom. When we choose to come into the dance, I think of it as building my orchard. If I build my orchard for myself, and I have an exclusive club for only a few to visit, then I've cheated myself. We are the generosity of our spirit. How do you share your spirit? I ask because this is where your fulfillment comes. When we bring others along into our orchard, and say, "come sit by me," everything is richer.
Dr. Cara Barker: There is another issue that warrants our attention. We live in a "drive-through" world and want results instantly. But there are no short cuts to soul. So I love your comment: "There are no 7 or 8 simple steps to unbind our hearts, but here is one choice we do have... "
You and I know that publishers seem to self-help steps, but as a depth psychologist, a Jungian Analyst, my experience resonates with what you are saying. I'd love to hear more for the person asking he or herself "How can I get this 'show on the road' faster?" Do I risk opening up one more time, or close off my heart?
Agapi Stassinopoulos: We think we open up our hearts to someone else, but we really are opening up our hearts to ourselves, and others are impacted. When I was in Hollywood, we look to others for validation, but when we are on the path for validation within... then the spiritual heart zone of which we really are, there is a presence of that, and it is open all the time. It is like you have to turn your focus inside, where you examine what is within, perhaps apprehension, and pain, but in the opening there is an exquisite vulnerability and tenderness, and in this we live. This is like a breeze on your face through the heart. This softness of the heart is not a weakness, but strength. We must make of ourselves an offering, for the spirit grows through giving. If we don't give we atrophy."
Dr. Cara Barker: With our world struggling through international financial woes, your mother's advise seemed particularly poignant for us each. You quote her as saying: "... Don't go into the world wanting. Go thinking about what you can give. And you will get what you want because you won't be going in as a beggar, or a miser, or starting from a position of lack." You go on to say: "My mother wasn't afraid to ask ... because she wasn't bound by notions of how things should happen. She didn't second-guess herself ... " (p. 18)
This is the problem, isn't it, particularly for the female gender. We have been taught to second guess ourselves, so when someone emerges out of her culture, like your mother from Greece, or my mother, a Finn, it is an astounding accomplishment leaving a big imprint.
Agapi, what would you say to those whose moms did second guess themselves? How would you suggest they shake this tendency in themselves?
Agapi Stassinopoulos: It gets down to trusting, a very big issue for all of us. I was at the eye doctor a week ago because my eyes were hurting. He took a picture of the optic nerve and he printed it. I realized there is intelligence inside me that made this eye. I don't know how to do this. It is a miracle. We take our miracles for granted, but we are living with miracles. I don't know whether people believe in God or intelligence or not. But who are we to say that we are less than that intelligence that made us? We could die tonight, and have nothing to do about it. Do we condemn ourselves? Our expression is in us, dying to come out, and we must find that spark that enlivens us. I was one of those people who couldn't find my spark and spent endless days suffocated. When someone would ask something of me, I would light up. I just had to risk, to dare rather than suffocate, even if I did fail. I had to find my own spark, even if nobody asked me to dance. Ask yourself to join the dance. It takes courage and trust.
Dr. Cara Barker: How sad I am that we are limited in space for more questions! My hope is that our readers will take themselves immediately to their favorite bookstore and order not only a copy for themselves, but for anyone they love who would benefit from Unbinding the Heart.
Dr. Cara Barker is a multiple author, artist and Jungian Analyst, and featured contributor for The Huffington Post. For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact me at carabarker.com or dr.carabarker@gmail.com. To save time, click on Become a Fan.
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