My wife and I will celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary this July. We both came from families torn apart by divorce, and so we took every precaution before getting married ourselves - neither of us married our first loves, we lived together for five years before deciding to get married, and we went through a decent amount of therapy first (although not by left coast standards).
So when we did finally decide to marry (at the ripe old ages of 28 and 30), we had a grand 160 person affair up in the mountains above Malibu, filled with rituals from Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, and Humanism. (I didn't know there were that many -ism's). We had always dreamed of a long honeymoon to Italy and the Seychelles (islands which are roughly halfway between Kenya and India in the Indian Ocean), but due to a family reunion, we weren't going to be able to do it right after the wedding. So we flew down to Cabo San Lucas for a few nights right after the wedding, and then went on our dream honeymoon a couple months later.
Now we find ourselves ten years older, richer, and sleepier, and are trying to decide where to celebrate. Italy calls out to us with promises of incredible truffle risotto, beautiful frescoes, lazy walks across the Tuscan countryside, gelato, and cappuccino and wine at a café in St. Mark's Square in Venice, of course accompanying our competitive game of backgammon. But Italy also calls out to us with a Euro which is now worth about 70% more than the almighty dollar. I did some quick mental math, and it seems that we'd be spending about $8,000 for a week there, and I'm talking about coach seats on the plane, and standard rooms in relatively nice, but not luxury hotels.
So we had a talk a couple days ago. In the old days, I would have approached one of these talks thinking "Okay, if I was a real man, I wouldn't even need to talk about it. I'd have bought the tickets, have unlimited funds, a desire to sweep my woman off her feet, and we'd be on our way to Firenza with a valuable diamond sitting snugly in my pocket." I would have dreaded going into this conversation, expecting her to feel undervalued and unappreciated.
So instead of fearfully expressing my position, I asked her "What are you thinking about Italy?" Now, to be fair, this might be because my Pleasure Seeker has really flourished in the last few years. I'm more often the one suggesting the weekend getaway, the $300 date night, or that she buy the beautiful new clothes she's trying on. So in asking the question in 2008 instead of 1998, I'm not nearly as attached to her giving the "right" answer. Back in '98, the Saver in me would have only accepted her saying "Let's save our money and go camping."
Her answer in 2008 was that she wasn't feeling drawn to Italy at that price. She wanted to save the money, or use it to build an outdoor kitchen at the house, not flambé it with Chianti into Fettuccini a la Porcini. We've thought about going back to one of our favorite little inns up North on the California Coast (probably $1,500 for four days), or to an exotic beachfront resort in Mexico ($2,500 for four days) as a perfectly wonderful 'budget' alternative.
It used to be that our money personalities held daggers to each other's throats ten years ago. "What are you thinking in even suggesting we could spend $8,000 on a week's vacation - do you think I can just make money automatically?!?!" But with all these years under the bridge, years in which she's played the Guardian and I've played the Star; she the Empire Builder and me the Caretaker, and vice-versa, we're a lot less emotionally wedded to any financial point-of-view. Now that's an anniversary I feel truly invested in celebrating.
Brent Kessel is the author of It's Not About the Money (HarperOne, April 2008) and the co-founder of Abacus, a nationwide financial planning firm with a focus on sustainable investing. See him in person.