We get one day to be recognized, it's called Mother's Day. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want flowers and chocolates.
Who the hell wants over priced flowers from a 1-800 number? Or chocolates that cost an arm and a leg and your husband has to wait in a crazy line? Then the end product is a box of squares.
Whoopy do is what I say.
I think there needs to be a guide for all the hubby's out there for Mother's Day.
We need to break it down and, let's be honest, to be blunt and to the point of what we want on this day.
Let's start with the obvious FLOWERS.
First off, I love flowers. They are on my windowsill above my kitchen sink as I type this blog post. They make me happy, and the colors brighten my day. But they die. They last maybe a few days.
They don't help me feel pretty. They don't help clean up messes. They don't help me fight the tiredness from a no sleep night.
Bottom line. I don't want flowers on my day of recognition.
If you want to give me flowers then give them to me on a day I feel frumpy and ugly. Give them to me after we just had a fight and I need to cheer up. Give them to me when I feel like I'm in mommy trenches, and I need to have a brighter day.
CHOCOLATE
I already eat my toddler's plate of macaroni and cheese. I lick their ice cream cone because it's dripping everywhere. I shove bites of candy when nobody is looking.
I don't need to add to my eating habits. I don't need to gain another pound. I don't need sugar to stick to my thighs.
LINGERIE
Do you think I feel sexy on any given day? I barely put on mascara. I sometimes shower and if I'm lucky I brush my hair. I walk around with stains on my shirts.
I'm usually half asleep by 9:00 p.m., and feeling sexy is off the table. I barely put my pj's on. So don't spend the money it will probably sit in a drawer and never see the light.
JEWELRY
Please for the love of God skip this idea NOW. Wearing my wedding ring is the only jewelry I wear. Wearing earrings -- they will be pulled out of my ears in seconds. Necklaces -- I may be choked.
Anything sparkly for that matter will only be worn when we go out. Date night? What's that?
I don't need to hear how much you spent, and why I never wear it. I already feel guilty as a mother. Don't make it worse.
BRUNCH
Do you think I want to sit at a table and deal with my children for a couple of hours? I'm trying to enjoy a mimosa because it's my day, but instead, I'm dealing with a toddler screaming and a child asking me questions in my ear.
I'm shoving food down my throat and trying to feed my child. I'm breaking up fights, and I barely have sipped my drink. Their attention spans last for an hour and I'm trying to relax?
It's not relaxing. I can't get my buzz on. I'm still a mom. I'm giving the mom look left and right. Doesn't sound like fun to me.
HERE'S WHAT I WANT-- THIS IS THE PART FATHERS ARE SUPPOSED TO READ.
I want to sleep in.
I want to have a glass of wine and sit by a fire pit.
I want a massage and have an hour alone in silence.
I want a pedicure and scroll through my Facebook with no interruptions.
I want to eat a cheese plate, drink wine, and indulge cheese cake without feeling guilty.
I want my house cleaned and I want it to stay that way for more than 24 hours.
I don't to pick up after anyone for that whole day.
I don't want to cook.
I want to watch reality shows for at least three hours in bed with my favorite coffee from Starbucks.
I want to wear lipstick and heels and have a place to go. I don't want to go to one park that day.
I don't want to change one diaper or deal with any poop for that matter.
I want to carry a designer purse, and not deal with an ugly bulky diaper bag.
I want to go shopping at Nordstrom and have no budget.
I want to run through a flea market with no stroller and the sun shining in my face.
I want to go to yoga and then have lunch with a girlfriend.
I don't want to see one laundry basket or even hear a washing machine running.
I want to take a shower in peace.
I would love to go to the bathroom by myself.
As you can see everything on this list starts with "don't and want." It's simple.
We want time to ourselves (even if it's an hour) whether we are drinking coffee and alone on the toilet. Or sipping champagne in a shower.
Let's make your mama happy. Follow the instructions and you will have one happy wife.
Cheers to motherhood. Let's make our day worth it. Celebrate the tiredness, the shit diapers, and the hour and hours of screams and tantrums.
We are worth more than a day. But if we get one day, we want to make it worth it.
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