Thanks, Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer! Two weeks ago, I had to live in my own, imperfect little world. It wasn’t so bad in that world, but it was far from perfect.
But last week, everything has changed. It’s a new country, a free and wonderful country, where all citizens have permission (nay, an obligation) to live in a world of Alternative Facts.
And I am so much happier in my new world. Here’s why. In my new reality…
…I don’t make mistakes in my writing. Anyone who says I do is wrong. And extremely dishonest. Every sentence I write is grammatically correct and absolutely typo free. I would never publish anything that is not purfect. Typos are a disaster and a horrible mess.
…Millions of people read my column every week. They have great respect for my writing…great respect. If I don’t win a Pulitzer, it’s because the system is rigged. Totally rigged.
…I have 12 amazing grandchildren. They are great people, the best. They love me more than anyone ever loved anyone else. Would you like to see a picture of them? I don’t have one on me now, but next time I see you, I’ll show you a picture.
…Salt and vinegar chips are amongst the healthiest foods you can eat. Everyone knows how healthy potatoes are—because they are a green vegetable ― and as we all know, fried green vegetables are the best. And vinegar? Well, I have great respect for vinegar.
…We just got 14 inches of new powder in NH. It was a YUGE snowfall! The skiing is better in the east this winter than it is anywhere out west. Anyone who says otherwise is extremely dishonest.
…Every morning, I jump out of bed do 20 pull-ups and 50 push-ups. You can’t? You’re a loser.
… I can sleep through anything. I can sleep in my bed, on trains, planes, buses, subways, you name it. You’ve never seen anyone sleep the way I do. You’ve really never seen anything like it. But I actually don’t need any sleep.
…I make my husband a gourmet dinner every night…it’s fantastic, really fantastic. I’m actually the greatest cook that ever graced god’s given earth. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.
…Cancer? I didn’t have cancer! That’s ridiculous!
…My kids love it when I give them unsolicited advice, because they know that I know best. If your kids don’t listen to your advice, I call that parental failing. Failing.
…I look really awesome in my yoga pants. Everyone says so.
…That car accident was definitely not my fault. It was very, very unfair of the other driver to say it was my fault. If he sues me, I’ll settle it. Or maybe I won’t settle. I could settle it if I wanted, but I don’t think I want to.
…Donald J. Trump is not really the President of the United States. That was just a nightmare…that I had during a really fantastic night’s sleep.
Wow, that feels good! A world with Alternative Facts can really be a safe, comfortable place. I think I might just stay here.
This article was previously published on www.betterafter50.com