My wife and I went to a friend's house to watch the hockey game, only to discover that they didn't have any alcohol. This surprised me as it's Friday, the playoffs, and it was was only a week ago that they were over at ours for a BBQ, when he had no problem putting away a growler of pale ale. If you're reading this and wondering why I showed up empty handed, I did not. You see, when I suggested I make some smoked baby-back ribs for the game, he insisted, "Just bring those, I got the rest." By the rest I thought he meant the beer and wine, not a Costco tub of potato salad and a sixer of Pepsi.
This really wasn't adding up, so I had to ask, "Did you quit drinking?"
"Oh I drink, I just don't drink at home."
I thought to myself, Well then, why the f*** are we watching the playoffs here?!
To drink, but not drink at home is a ridiculous self-hating sort of rule to impose upon yourself. That's like only beating-off in hotel rooms. Madness!
In between periods I suggest we go to the pub on the corner. He's up for it because it means he can drink as the prohibition ends at his property line. So the four of us make our way there and head for the bar where he tells me, "This place does a killer Bloody Mary, they even put a mini hamburger on a stir stick."
We opt for beer, he goes for the cocktail, and I see our round's going to take ages since the bartender has to heat up an old George Foreman grill just so this idiot can get his tiny slider. You know what the "I don't drink at home guy" should do?
ONLY DRINK AT HOME.
As of right now I propose that cocktails should only be served at home, and if you are going to make them for your guests, have easy drinks ready while they wait. I blend margaritas for people all of the time, but I make sure they're holding a pint or a glass of wine while I fumble with the ice.
Please, set up a bar in your man cave and mix away. Get one of those indoor herb gardens, some tiny scissors and go full-on Mr. Miyagi on the mint for your mojitos, just don't publicly hold up adults who need a cold pint to soften the blow of their favourite team taking a beating.
Oh, and he won't see this because he's also not on Facebook, which to me is equally insane. Who doesn't want to see their ex in a bikini from time to time?!
Thanks for reading,
Tommy Campbell