I remember so clearly the day I decided he wasn’t worthy my energy anymore.
I was done with the lies. I was done with being made to feel inferior. I was done with the manipulation.
I divorced the toxic ex. I decided it was necessary for me to break free. We still have to communicate, though, because we have a child together.
So I also decided that I was going to be the best co-parent I could possibly be, even though I was disgusted with his toxic nature, because our child deserves to have two parents working together for her benefit.
Part of this new focus for me was that I refused to speak badly of him in general.
This was really hard. Like, so insanely hard. After all, I had been so entrenched in how awful things were with him, that was almost all I could see.
But I knew. I just knew that if I kept that up, I would stay stuck. And nothing good comes from being stuck.
So I chose to put my focus on all the ways he had tried to be a good partner to me in the past. WHAT?! I know. And yes, that was tricky, but if you put your focus on something, you’ll find what you’re looking for.
Most importantly, I put my focus on all the ways I could see that he was trying to be a wonderful Dad to our child.
I’m sure you can tell by now, I’m not referring to the usual “bashing.”
If you are still at that point, where every chance you get, you say something horrible about your ex, please go here and read this. Trust me: that kind of bashing is the most unhealthy thing you can do for your own well-being, and you will only attract more toxicity into your life while you continue to do it.
No, the bashing I’m referring to comes from your own perspective on the toxic relationship.
Bashing your toxic ex isn’t just saying how awful he is to your friends. It isn’t just focusing on and worrying about the crap he tries to pull.
It’s allowing him to control your focus.
And yes, you have to give him permission to do that.
He can behave any old way he wants, but YOU get to decide if you are going to let his behavior rule your thoughts and actions.
Bashing him is any continued focus on his negative aspects.
Yes, it’s important to know what you are dealing with and to create solid boundaries. But once you’ve done that? Leave it be.
You’re against him treating you badly, I get it. I really do.
But the best way to be against something is to be for something else.
Instead of being against how he behaves, be FOR as healthy a relationship as you can have with him.
And in fact, you have to do it without bashing him, because the longer you keep your focus on what deserves bashing, the longer you’ll experience it.
You don’t want toxicity, you want healthy.
You’ll never get away from toxicity and into healthy until you stop bashing your toxic ex.
Here’s how to stop bashing your ex and start experiencing a better situation with him:
1 Identify the behaviors you aren’t willing to accept.
2 Decide what you WILL accept instead, relative to each negative behavior.
3 Prepave experiencing what you WANT to experience from him.
I’ve done exactly this with my toxic ex, and have guided my clients to do the same, with much success. Prepave, have faith, and look for evidence of what you WANT.
Leave a comment below with an example of a behavior you aren’t willing to accept and how you can reframe it into something you WILL accept.
I know it can feel so hard to focus away from all of the hell you’ve been through and may still be going to. That’s where I come in. I can help. Go here to take a peek at my 30 Day Toxic Relationship Detox Bootcamp.
Not quite ready for the full Bootcamp experience yet? No worries. Click here to get two free lessons.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.