Wines to Pair With Waxing

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In honor of all the waxing clients filling salons right now in preparation for Valentine's Day, I thought I would share my ideas for wines to pair with this underground fashion trend.

Actually, I found out how popular waxing is from a friend, Stacy Dymalski, a comedian and writing coach, when we drove to Vegas for a well-deserved girls' trip.

We had high hopes of letting loose, just the two of us in Sin City. No children. No men or husbands. Spanx in our suitcases. Visions of sophisticated drinks at bars. Dinners out. I had even researched what shows were playing.

Apparently what "girls' trip" actually meant to us was 1) checking into a hotel with room service and a spa so we could lounge around all day and night in our fluffy robes; 2) going to the pool in our fluffy robes; 3) getting kicked out of the restaurant... because we were in our fluffy robes.

The only time we actually got dressed during our three-day, two-night stay was to go to the Nordstrom across the street because Stacy needed a new bra.

Yes, I know. There we were in Vegas...Baby, capital of food and beverage, extravagance, great shows. And the only thing that drew us out of the hotel was bra shopping.

We were the only people in the lingerie department on that Tuesday evening, so we had the run of the place. Our amazing bra sales woman was friendly, with a take-charge approach -- a plus-sized woman who knew what we wanted before we asked.

At one point, I remember modeling a pretty bra I'd picked out, showing the sales lady how I looked. She said, "No way hunny. There is no way you are walkin' out of my department lookin' like that. You take that off and let me find you something else."

God bless her and my quickly remodeled rack.

As Stacy and I were driving home, we discussed, among other things, her life as a single woman. She mentioned she'd gone on a few dates, but was not going to jump into anything intimate because she was not keeping herself tidy. I blankly asked, "What do you mean, 'tidy'?" To me, she had a nice hair cut, no holes in her clothes and never smelled bad.

She said, "You know keeping your undercarriage waxed, smooth."

In a flash, I was Luke and she was Yoda as we drove at 80 miles an hour down I-15. She explained a world I never knew existed: techniques, outcomes, wax types, stylings. I'm sure I blushed as red as the surrounding Utah landscape at least 35 times.

"Everyone, or probably 90% of women do it now," she concluded.

Holy crap. I suddenly felt like I had missed out on a huge revolution. How could this have happened? Maybe this was just something she was interested in, cuz 90% seemed pretty high to me. Wouldn't I have noticed this kind of thing in the ladies' locker room at the gym?

A couple weeks later, I had drinks with a few other friends, and the subject came up again because one of them was heading off for a beach vacation and she needed to "clean up." How could I have missed such a fashion trend?

Well, I suppose I know how. Aside from being married most of my adult life, I get my fashion news from Food & Wine magazine -- news like how to choose a soft wine that pairs with velvety beurre blanc sauce or how to dress salads.

Nothing about how to undress my undercarriage.

And as I explored this concept, to make me feel even further out of touch, Brad Jensen, one of my friends who owns a wine importing company called Bon Vivant Imports, even sent me photos of two different styles of Spanish vineyards. One wild and one groomed.

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I thought, "What the heck, Kirsten! Even men are familiar with this. You've got to do it at least once," so... I bravely asked Stacy to make me an appointment.

There are three words that come to mind in conjunction with my waxing experience. Each one demands its own special wine pairing:

Painful

I changed the waxing appointment three times because I just couldn't find a convenient time to go, plus I'd heard it was going to hurt. Voluntarily walking into the salon was challenging to say the least. So in this case, a perfect wine partner is Mencia from Ribera Sacra in Galicia, Spain -- a wine so painful to produce, it is a miracle we ever get to taste it.

To get to these vineyards, you must use a boat. Then once you arrive, you must be roped in to get to the grapes because the vineyards are so steep that if you slip you will roll out of control for hundreds of feet before either hitting a tree or falling in the water -- perhaps drowning because you were knocked unconscious during the fall. Ouch.

All this to pick the Ribera Sacra Mencia grapes that give us a clean and well-balanced, medium-weight red wine with berry notes along with some good earthiness and a bit of spice. After all that hard work and pain picking grapes, the wine better be a gem. Same with my waxing experience.

Vulnerable

When I was in the middle of the waxing, lying there exposed to the world (ok, at least to the technician) I had rarely felt so vulnerable ... I can't help thinking that I needed a Pinot Noir for that moment.

It is one of the most vulnerable grapes to plant with success. 1) Nearly every disease known to affect vines is common among Pinot Noir vineyards. 2) Pinot vines don't have great leaf coverage so birds eat many of the berries. 3) Even if the grapes survive the fields, if not picked promptly when ready, the thin-skinned, tender berries shrivel and dry out rapidly, resulting in bad aromas and dull flavors.

Those poor, little Pinot Noir berries would understand how I felt on that table.

Expensive

In regards to spending good money on something that only my husband and my gynecologist will see, keeping current on this whole new fashion trend is extremely expensive. When you consider that I only take one trip to the lady doctor a year, and, since we have a busy household, my husband and I are lucky if we find each other alone every six months, the upkeep would be somewhere around $250 per view.

The wine pairing for this is definitely Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley. Your technician may be cheerful and chatty, and the waxing may be quick, but it hurts like a mofo and Screaming Eagle, at around $2,000/bottle is also extremely expensive, and, as a bonus, has the word "screaming" in it, which is what I wanted to do the whole time.

I'm still up in the air as to if I'm going to keep up with this new fashion statement. If my answer is yes, I can assure you, I'll bring all three bottles with me to my next appointment.