As the saying goes, you can’t choose your family.
Every family is unique and has their own set of struggles. I’ve planned many weddings - and every wedding, no matter what, will have a little bit (and sometimes a heck of a lot) of family drama. No matter how close you are with your family, everyone has to deal with the dynamics at some point during the planning of their wedding.
It might be mild episodes of your future sister-in-law complaining about the bridesmaid dress you chose, or your parent’s concerns about the budget. Or it can be a full out wedding war between family members who can’t seem to get along. Either way, how do you get to your wedding day without it turning into an episode of Dr. Phil? No matter the situation, there are always steps that can be taken to eliminate or at least lessen the drama that can occur when planning such a huge family event in your life.
1) Start off right.
Get together with both sets of parents and anyone involved with paying for the wedding. Discuss everyone’s expectations and the kind of wedding that everyone is envisioning. Will there be religious aspects that should be respected? Will location be an issue? Who is paying for what and what are their expectations on the budget? Communicating well and discussing all of the details involved will make sure that there are no misunderstandings when moving forward with the planning. If there is something you don’t agree about, make sure to voice your concerns and promise to consider other’s concerns as well. It will be too late to address problems once you are knee deep into wedding planning. Communicating early on will help eliminate stressful situations.
2) Listen.
Most family issues come from someone feeling like they are not being heard. No one likes to feel like they are being ignored. Everyone is going to have an opinion about your wedding - if it’s your neighbor or your nit-picky cousin, you can blow off the suggestions and not worry about what they think. But if it’s a family member that has a big part in the wedding day, it doesn’t hurt to be gracious and to at least have a response to their suggestions. You never know where a great idea is going to come from. It doesn’t mean you have to take their suggestions – but the act of respecting their opinion and telling them so will go a long way.
3) Say thank-you.
Being grateful and showing thanks can make all the difference in people’s reactions to you and your wedding plans. People who feel appreciated react better in stressful situations. Remember – you set the tone for your wedding day and the planning process. Simply saying thank-you, sending a quick note of thanks, or buying someone lunch or a bottle of wine to show your appreciation makes a huge difference in everyone’s attitude towards your wedding.
4) Include all the parents.
I’ve heard several parents say that they had no say in any of the wedding decisions. While parents don’t have to be included in everything decision, it’s nice to fill them in on the details and to include them in some of the process. Being excluded doesn’t make anyone feel good, no matter who you are, and it can create drama that could have been easily avoided. Remember, your parents have been envisioning your wedding since the day you were born – this is an important day for them too and is something that every parent looks forward to. Give them the honor of feeling like they are a big part of the day – it will come back to you in more ways than you can imagine and will spare any hurt feelings. Even if they don’t ask, check in with them on occasion to get their feedback. ** Side note – I know there are some of you who just don’t get along with your parents. That is an entirely different situation all together. If not communicating is better than months of tears and drama, that’s ok too.
5) Be honest.
If you don’t take someone’s advice, explain why. Don’t be afraid to be honest. Simply explaining your view point will at least give the person closure and understanding that you’ve considered their opinion and that there is a real reason behind your decision – not just because you don’t value their opinion. You also don’t want to say yes just to please someone else – this is your wedding day and if there is something you aren’t feeling good about, it’s better to say something than to resent them about it later on.
6) Choose your battles.
There will be many moments during the wedding planning process where someone will disagree with you or will want something for the wedding that you don’t think is important. You don’t want to spend the entire time arguing over little details. Don’t sweat the small stuff – let the unimportant little details go. If it’s not going to matter in ten years, it doesn’t matter now. So if your brother is late to the rehearsal dinner, or your mother insists on your annoying cousin doing a reading at the ceremony – some arguments just aren’t worth all the drama.
7) Pay for your own wedding.
I heard you giggle to yourself. Seriously though – if you want to avoid some of the drama, then paying for your own wedding will eliminate someone saying they want something a certain way because they are the ones paying for it. It’s not for everyone, but if you know there will be huge issues in this regard, maybe adjusting the budget and paying for everything yourself is the best decision for you.
8) Let it go.
It all comes down to this – sometimes you have no choice but to let it go. Arguments can become more about a power struggle and wanting to be right. Yes some people are very difficult to deal with – even if you try everything to please them and do everything right, some people just aren’t going to be happy, no matter what. You can choose to concentrate on how crazy they are making you, or chose to ignore their behavior and not let it ruin your wedding day. Remember, people aren’t going to change just because you are getting married. If you haven’t gotten along with your sister your entire life, it will be no different on your wedding day. Choose to focus on the good stuff (there is always some good), and let go of the rest.