01/18/2013 12:39 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Facebook Named Number One Cockblocker in Country


Armed with pictures and commentary, Facebook has single-handedly managed to destroy people's chances for having sex nationwide.

NEW YORK -- "I don't know what happened," complained Rachel Grossberg of Brooklyn. "One minute I was excited to see this guy again and finally close the deal, and the next minute his Facebook status compares Obama's statements about gun control to Hitler. Listen, I can overlook a worn out copy of Atlas Shrugged on the bookshelf when I'm drunk and about to have sex. But I think I should draw the line at Hitler, right?"

Grossberg is not alone. Across America, equally frustrated men and women have begun to conclude that, despite its global impact and unprecedented household penetration, the social network Facebook is ruining their sex lives.

"I give up," said Kai Montgomery of San Francisco, who confessed to not having had sexual intercourse since 2009. "They should call it 'CockBlockBook.'"

Gayle Flames of Phoenix is similarly dumbfounded by what has happened to her sex life ever since she began relying on Facebook for her social planning.

"I just don't understand why he would take a picture of himself shirtless in the mirror, and then post it," Flames lamented after canceling drinks with someone she'd been excitedly emailing only moments earlier. "I mean, I've had guys text me pictures of their dicks, but somehow this was worse."

Men, it seems, have an easier time keeping their libido humming in the face of the Facebook revolution, surveys show. But many still lose the battle.

"I overlooked her first vapid comment on Sunday night," confessed Jon Highland of Denver. "The one where she said, 'I wonder what it's all about...' But this latest one about her dog being the only man who has ever understood her just pushed me over the edge. I don't even want to watch porn right now."

Married people report similar sexual liabilities due to Facebook. One husband (who would not reveal his name) did not understand why his wife's ex-boyfriend, "Luke," had responded to her Facebook posting about her newborn baby with "abortion jokes." Other married couples reveal that jealousy about exes is the least of their problems.

"That video he posted of himself making eggs this morning was infuriating," shouted Lisa Fleming of Ann Arbor, about her husband Kyle. "He has time to make eggs but he couldn't get up with the baby? No way he's getting that birthday blowjob tonight."

At a recent town hall meeting of the newly formed activist group SitonMyFacebook in Silicon Valley, attendees who were seen throwing their cellphones and yelling, "Why? Why?" were suspected of being members of this ever-growing army of sex-deprived Facebook victims, though none agreed to be interviewed. Several, however, confirmed rumors that merger talks between Facebook and IKEA (named the number one relationship killer five years in a row) are in the works.

"Talk about awful," said Tommy McDreamy of Boston. "This could only lead to less sex, more frustration, and hopelessly confused people eating meatballs and masturbating."