We will focus on how to effectively put attention on a woman in a way that "un-represses" her sexual self.
When a woman can do this herself, she is truly liberated as a woman. She is truly liberated in her femaleness. Her sex is fully embraced, enjoyed and acted upon. Her sex life is manifest, and she is present to enjoy it. When a man can bring a woman's sexual self out, he gets far more approval from women, and he enjoys women much more.
As we've elaborated on in this series, women tend to have a sexual self and a nonsexual self. The sexual self is usually buried in the unconscious.
The problem with having this kind of split is that a woman won't do all kinds of things that she wants to do. Her superego or inner critic condemns her sexual appetite and her very femininity for all the reasons we discussed last session.
Sometimes the division from her sexual self will cause a woman to do things that she doesn't want to do, because her sexuality is dissociated from her present awareness and then acted upon unconsciously, but that is rarer. Repression is more common; thus most women are far more inhibited than unconsciously sexually extreme.
Whether a woman is choosing to turn on or a man is seducing her, her sexual self must slowly be drawn out, and her nonsexual self, or conditioning, must be attended to.
The guy has to provide strength. He has to provide some kind of "authority." His job is being willing to lead her where she wants to go sexually. He has to have enough attention on her to see that she wants to see the intense places that women want to go sexually.
The woman has to be willing to have fun, surrender to her appetite, and be willing to get turned on.
The biggest thing that turns a woman on is her partner's desire for her. People tend to be wishy-washy about their interest in the opposite sex. The more enthusiastic a person is willing to be about their desire, the better, the more fun, and the more inclusive.
Guys tend to lack confidence or don't want to be seen as intimidating or domineering. Women often don't want to be seen as too forward or "slutty," for fear of rejection or punishment by their superego. There tends to be very little initiating, especially on women's part. And she is the one with far more power to get sexual relations started.
What can she do about this? It starts and ends with feeling her pussy. Reclaiming that part of herself is not a theoretical thing to do. She actually resumes contact with that part of herself, literally, her femaleness, and her sex. Immediately this will turn her on. That is the desired result and the feared result.
To do this she will have to disengage from her superego, which typically forbids this. So feeling her pussy is an act of desire, an act of will or concentration or even meditation, as well as the psychological act of telling her superego to bug off.
One way she can do all this is through a vision or story or script of how she'd like the interaction to go. First she allows herself to play the role of a sexy girl by dressing and acting the part. If she puts herself into the script completely, she becomes that girl because she is that girl, ultimately, with that sexual appetite. What at first was a script is revealed to be a more whole, inclusive expression of her.
She allows herself to get into a state of "yes," a particular state of being excited, being turned on. She is using volitional or deliberate turn on. The script continues, and more and more sex energy is released, and it becomes so engaging that the script itself is released and she is simply turned on.
She gradually increases both the amount she touches him and the amounts of touch she instigates from him to her. Touch is essential, for obvious reasons. It is sensual and has great power to release the grip of the superego, which is only a mental construct. Feeling one's body is a powerful way to disengage from the superego.
Remember the critical first step is her intention to resume her sexuality. Choice, intention, focus, and so on are essential, especially in the beginning of this process.
The secret of how she accomplishes movement forward into her sexuality is taking incremental steps. Taking risks is how sex starts. Small risks are much easier to take, hence incremental steps -- an outfit, a comment, a touch, etc. One by one.
We can already see how the male can greatly help or hinder this process.
We could summarize the male role as to "lead." Society teaches men contradictory ideas about what women want. Basically, on one side is a nice guy and on the other side is a sexy guy.
Young men listen to both and usually pick the nice guy.
Rather, he should be singularly focused on her and helping her resolve her split from her sexual self. This is both much more powerful and much more gentlemanly. In other words, his attention is not on himself and his conditioning. It is on her.
He does this in many different ways. Here is a sample:
- He supports her "yes" state of mind with many "yes" questions. He's willing to give instructions in the direction of her having more fun and being more turned on.
- He does this in incremental steps, small steps.
- He continually increases touching (and releasing vs. holding on).
- He continues to demonstrate strength and authority.
- He backs off selectively, quickly and intensely, when she resists.
- And then he returns to approval very quickly.
- He encourages her "sexy girl" script or role.
- He provides sensual environments and keeps bringing her into her body.
- He has her acknowledge that she's cool with him and likes him.
- He ultimately invites her to put herself totally at the effect of him sensually. He is not afraid to be dominant, since that is often what women want and what is required to bridge her split self.
There are innumerable skills and techniques involved. Above is a good sample. But the key skill for men is the willingness to lead.
So the man is willing to lead and the woman directly feels her sexuality and surrenders to her desire.
Extended, full-body orgasm is a perfect demonstration of this. We started this series there. At next week's sensuality research pool everything is optimized to support men in skillful leading and women in recombining the sexual self with the non-sexual self.
This week's activity will be to practice two other good indicators of inclusion of the sexual self: your sensual research (sensuality exercises, DO dates, etc.) and dating without clinging or avoiding.
Women, qualify men on their willingness to lead you sensually and sexually to a fun place.
Men, qualify women on their willingness to feel their pussies and have fun.