10/17/2014 05:10 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Easy Tutorial: How to Write, or How to Make Paper Snowball Garlands

photo by Turinboy

(Read now and receive two Bonus Features: How to Craft and How to Blog)

There are two easy steps to learn how to write. Simply put, one needs to: arrange a selection of words into a particular order. More to the point: select words and arrange them. Or, as I like to refer to it: S & A.

That's it!

The most difficult thing about writing is knowing which words to select and what order to put them in. Once you've mastered that, writing can be quite rewarding and sometimes even enjoyable.

If this simple task does not produce the prose of your fantasies (we all have them), disassemble the words and start afresh. Note: this is a good time to entertain replacing some of the old words with new words. Keep some old ones, add some new ones. (Or not.) Which ones? It's really up to you.

And voila!

Inevitably, this will be just the beginning. In most cases, this first piece of writing will prompt a series of "word selections" and "methodical arrangements" and thusly, you will be on your writerly way to an elegantly rendered, if not hypnotizing, narrative. You'll be so enrapt by this new obsession that you may, in fact, leave hold of everything in your life outside of your writing space. Don't be alarmed. This is quite normal.

If several hours (weeks) have gone by and you've attempted this a few (47) times but you've yet to write a single story, page, paragraph or phrase that possesses the mellifluous quality you intended, it's time to ask yourself some tough questions:

● Did you miss the change of the seasons?
● Has your adorable pixie become a layered bob?
● Are Saltines your new go-to protein?
● Has your husband gone to live with his mother?
● Have you received news that your daughter is married?
● Are you still matching your shoes with your handbag?

If you've answered "yes" to no more than four of these questions, you're in good shape! Sit back down and give it another go! You can do it!

If you answered "yes" to the last question, well . . . stop doing that. It's not fashionable anymore, and hasn't been for a while.

If you answered "yes" to more than four, you should rip the pages of this pathetic attempt at writing from your notebook and crumble them into small paper snowballs. String these snowballs together on a length of yarn (color is optional). Hang these lovely garlands in a crisscrossing formation against a dark wall for contrast. Take a photo of these festive swags and jot down a pithy step by step "how-to" for the do-it-yourself party planner. Truth is, nothing says "instant party" like a snazzy garland of paper snowballs.

Now, blog about it. Insert the photo and click the "publish" box.

Congratulations, you're a writer! See, wasn't that easy?