This past week I went to The Consumer Electronics Show (aka CES) in Las Vegas. "Why would a TV executive go to CES" you ask? Good question.
First, there were almost as many TV executives in Vegas for CES as there were in Pasadena for the Television Critics Association (TCA) press tour. Second, even though TV executives don't necessarily work in technology, nothing at the moment affects their lives and jobs more than the connected electronics through which their content is seen.
There have been countless Top Ten lists, slide shows and recaps from CES -- some of the best of it right here, in HuffPost Tech. So, rather than try to top these, I decided to actually take YOU TO CES. No, I didn't shoot video (the HuffPost don't cover no equipment budget). Instead, to give you the true CES experience (and links to some of the best stories to come out of Vegas last week), I give you an exclusive first-look at my script for the pilot episode of...
GLENVEGAS GLEN ROSS:
INT. LOBBY OF THE COSMOPOLITAN HOTEL. LAS VEGAS.
It is the final day of CES. Three YOUNG EXECUTIVES stand together, but do not speak. Instead, brows furrowed, they stare at, and fidget with, their smart phones... intensely.
INTERNET EXEC
You getting any signal?
HARDWARE EXEC
No! What the frak? Can't get any texts or calls. Can't send any texts or calls!
INTERNET EXEC
I haven't been able to Tweet about a conversation in six hours. My followers will think I'm dead!
TV EXEC
Just think. Nearly a dozen people, worried sick.
INTERNET EXEC
The first year anyone from Apple comes to CES and suddenly no one in Vegas can get a signal on their iPhone. Coincidence?
TV EXEC
My BlackBerry is working.
INTERNET EXEC
BlackBerry!?!
HARDWARE EXEC
How quaint! Do you have a buggy-whip too?
INTERNET EXEC
Tell us, can you play pong on that thing?
Awkward pause. They all look down at their smart phones.
INTERNET EXEC
Hey, can I borrow that so I can call my wife?
HARDWARE EXEC
Can I use that so I can text someone?
A JOURNALIST enters.
JOURNO
Hey.
TV EXEC
Hey.
JOURNO
Sorry I'm late, I had to wait in a taxi line for an hour and half.
HARDWARE EXEC
I know, it's nuts.
INTERNET EXEC
Why is it so crowded this year?
HARDWARE EXEC
The Ideapad Yoga...
JOURNO
The Ballmer and Seacrest farewell Keynote...
TV EXEC
Early arrivals for the Adult Video Convention...
Beat.
JOURNO
Wait, there's a Porn Convention here?
TV EXEC
Wait, Ballmer's not coming back to CES?
INTERNET EXEC
Wait, they named a tablet after Yoda?
HARDWARE EXEC
Yes, it's a Notebook Tablet Hybrid.
JOURNO
No, they're doing their own Expo next year.
TV EXEC
Yes. Next week. Though in Vegas, it may be hard to tell the difference between a Porn convention and a typical Tuesday.
Pause. They look at each other... then at their smart phones. Three frown, the TV EXEC smiles.
JOURNO
So, what are you up to tonight?
HARDWARE EXEC
I'm going to the first half of the Hulu party and the second half of the YouTube party.
INTERNET EXEC
I'm going to the first twenty minutes of the YouTube party, the second forty minutes of the Hulu party, then the Mashable party with the Facebook people.
TV EXEC
One word: CELINE!
JOURNO
I'm confused... This is the Consumer Electronics Show. Why are all the parties sponsored by web platforms?
INTERNET EXEC
What do you think all those ELECTRONICS connect to? Plus, we have all the money.
JOURNO
Did you see any actual consumer electronics that were impressive or exciting?
INTERNET EXEC
Look, the meme this year is the Internet of Everything. You see, it's all Social -- everything has to be connected, because at the end of the day, the game is over and the consumer has won. So to say that one piece of technology provides a true (air quotes) "AH-HA" moment is oversimplifying the significance of the moment.
JOURNO
You never made it to the floor did you?
INTERNET EXEC
Uh, no.
JOURNO
How is that possible?
INTERNET EXEC
Everyone came to our suite... we had shrimp.
JOURNO
How 'bout you two?
TV EXEC
JOURNO
What's the O stand for?
HARDWARE EXEC
It stands for O-MFG is that the price?!
TV EXEC
It stands for Organic.
JOURNO
Organic? Is a TV or a chicken?
INTERNET EXEC
HARDWARE EXEC
Hey, you know we've got a new Web-to-TV streaming device... It's
JOURNO
A Smart TV?
HARDWARE EXEC
No, it's a Dongle. It connects to the TV.
JOURNO
A Dongle.
HARDWARE EXEC
Yes. A Killer Dongle. You want to see it?
As he reaches into his pocket, the others back up a step.
TV EXEC
Is that a Dongle in your pocket, or are you just happy to CES me?
INTERNET EXEC
Are you sure you're not here for the Porn convention?
He can't find his Dongle.
HARDWARE EXEC
Damn, I think I left it in my room. Stop by later, I'll show it to you.
TV EXEC
Very smooth... "Do you want to come to my room and see my Dongle?" Best pick up line of the show.
JOURNO
Hey, did you get to see The Spectre? For me, that was the winner.
INTERNET EXEC
Spectre? Is that a Cloud device or one of the X-Men?
HARDWARE EXEC
(Aside)
Pretty sure The Specter is in the DC Universe.
TV EXEC
This is Vegas, try not to let your Geek show.
JOURNO
No, it's a new laptop. They fit a 14 inch screen into a 13 inch frame.
HARDWARE EXEC
That's what she said.
Beat.
INTERNET EXEC
That doesn't even make sense.
HARDWARE EXEC
But. Well. (Pause. Pointing.) She made fun of my Dongle.
JOURNO
It's Ok, I'm sure your Dongle is very nice.
HARDWARE EXEC
(Pouts)
It is. My Dongle is awesome.
TV EXEC
(Reading off her Blackberry)
I gotta go. I won the Raffle! Apparently they sent out a hundred emails, but no one else claimed it.
Starts to go. The others look at their phones. Still nothing.
JOURNO
Hey! What did you win?
TV EXEC
A personal robotic cameraman, with automatic pan and swivel!
She runs off. The others look at each other. Pause.
HARDWARE EXEC
You think she won that at CES or the Porn Convention?
The other two shrug. They return to their smart phones. Frown.
FADE OUT.