06/04/2012 09:40 am ET Updated Aug 04, 2012

In Which Donald Trump Is a Work of Complete Fiction

Donald Trump is a flesh-devouring swamp monster from space.

It's a little extreme, I know -- because up until now, the billionaire loudmouth was just a pervading political joke and really, really bad at running for president.

But thanks to some assorted findings that I've hastily pieced together with absolutely no regard for sound logic and reasoning, society can affirm with near certainty that Trump is a ravenous cannibal from the deepest, darkest depths of the known universe. To those seeking proof on the matter, look no further: a writer (this one) made this exact claim once (refer to line 1) and it should thus be recorded as absolute, indisputable fact.

Besides, I mean, could it be more obvious? Just about everything related to The Donald screams, "I'm hungry for your organs." Take one good look at him and you'll quickly realize that even his infamously unbecoming hairpiece wants a taste of you.

Based on my brash and totally contrived analysis, Trump is obviously a voracious gobbler of human flesh. He is thus totally unfit to make regular appearances on television sets across America -- at least as anything other than the character of Jim Cramer in CNBC's Mad Money hosted by Jim Cramer. Trump is a reprehensible human being worthy of absolute repudiation from everyone who values any notion of prolonged human life, harmony on Earth and primetime programming that isn't awful.

And so I ask, at this point, for the whole world to join hands in condemning Donald Trump and everything he stands for -- including Donald Trump's real estate holdings, Donald Trump's reality show The Apprentice" and the god-awful Donald Trump collection of neckties -- if for no other reason than because Donald Trump is a horrible monster who eats people. (Condemning the tie collection just because it sucks is acceptable, too.)

Still holding out?

Fine, but consider that Trump, who is not actually a terrifying marsh-borne beast, would probably subscribe himself to my baseless crackpot theory of his horrifying existence. He'd at least be on board if the highly offensive diatribe above were in reference to Barack Obama.

Look no further than last week's events as proof.

At a time when the nation thought it had moved onto more important things like, oh, I don't know, the civil rights struggle of a generation -- Trump is apparently still hung up on an issue that was solved 50 years ago, when a single mother from Kansas gave birth to an infant boy in Honolulu and the very scenarios outlined in the "birther" theory became logically impossible all at once.

If birth records are to be trusted as actual recordings of birth, as we've all been led to believe, the facts here seem clear enough. President Obama's status as a natural-born citizen is so obvious that it's not even worth degrading oneself by arguing over.

Of course, that holds true for everyone except Trump -- well, him and his following of painfully misinformed victims.

As one The Huffington Post article said on Tuesday: "Trump was skeptical about a recently unearthed promotional booklet from Obama's former literary agency that erroneously reported the president was born in Kenya." The author of the booklet's biography, the article noted, quickly came forward and said the mistake was a "simple fact-checking error."

But that minor (major) factoid didn't matter to Trump, who seemed last week to be jumping at the first opportunity he could find to be relevant again, making multiple television appearances to discuss the flawed passage as if it was conceived (however poorly) by he himself.

Trump had been taking somewhat of a break from the spotlight in the preceding months. In the wake of President Obama's highly anticipated, highly unnecessary long-form birth certificate disclosure last year, the billionaire conveniently took all the credit for the president's (again) re-affirmed Hawaiian birth and vowed to take a conciliatory seat. For those who think that America is inherently exceptional, and light-years ahead of other nations politically, take a second to reflect on the fact that such a shameful mockery of actual diplomacy had to occur in the first place.

More embarrassing, still, is the fact that we're allowing such a travesty to unravel all over again.
The "birther issue" is quite simply a cesspool of free association rooted entirely in a belief of absolutely nothing that's legitimate.

Mathematically speaking, the possibilities there -- I'm told -- are endless. From here arise the types of misconceived narratives that lead people to believe swamp monsters exist in outer space.

The birther theory itself is grounded in a string of unsubstantiated claims that people cling to, apparently because they're "uncertain" (code for racist) regarding the president's eligibility to continue holding office.

Those who don't suspect racism is at all involved in the birther movement: consider that Mitt Romney was (purportedly) born in Detroit, Mich., which -- it's worth noting -- is just a stone's throw away from Canada. One inopportune shopping trip across the border could easily have led Mitt's mother, Lenore, to go into labor in Windsor, Ontario. But to the majority of Americans, that's apparently not an issue worth looking into.

(For the record, I, also, don't think it's worth dwelling on. But seeking out the "actual" place of birth of someone who has a proven track record of American birth is an equally futile effort.)

The glaring truth here is, Mitt Romney isn't black. Barack Obama is, and the widespread "uncertainty" on the subject of his birth surely can't be total coincidence.

This time around, birthers are pointing to the 1991 promotional booklet biography that stated that Obama "was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii." For anyone who isn't aware that the author of the inaccurate claim admitted to misidentifying Obama's birthplace, this should raise immediate red flags.

For everyone else, it should raise concerns about the credibility of Obama's 1991 literary agency, Acton & Dystel. And that's all it should do.

In ignoring a critical correction and legitimizing the fallacious claims of a deeply apologetic literary agency, Trump and his birther friends are playing a dangerous game. They're essentially allowing themselves to shape the political narrative -- at least the history surrounding their movement -- in totally unchecked fashion.

In essence, that means the birthers can make up whatever erroneous nonsense they want to, basing said nonsense, again, on whatever erroneous nonsense they want to. If this much wasn't already clear, truth is the obvious loser here.

The birthers can proceed to tell millions of unassuming citizens about their "theories," surely implanting doubt within the minds of uninformed and misinformed voters. And then they can get away with it all because they have the support of right-wing nutjobs like Trump. Oh, and not to mention Republicans' presumptive nominee for the presidency.

That Trump, a private citizen, might actually believe some of the hateful rhetoric he spouts is scary. That Mitt Romney, potentially the next president of the United States, refuses to condemn supporter Trump's baseless theories regarding the birthplace of the sitting president is plain horrifying.

"While Romney has said he does not share Trump's views, he has declined to repudiate them," the earlier The Huffington Post article said. "On Monday, Romney told reporters he doesn't agree with all the people who support him, but he was 'appreciative to have the help of a lot of good people.'"

A lot of good people, Romney said -- implying that Trump might be among them.

Good people, I'd like to note, don't actively preach hate.

For Romney to continue entertaining Trump's radical ideas will be a death wish to any notion of honor that accompanies the office of the presidency.

It'll mean winning support based on a false, bigoted premise -- that the sitting president is ineligible for the office by virtue of his skin color and his birthplace not aligning quite right in the twisted minds of a few.

Make no mistake, the birther issue is grounded deeply in racism. Fear, ignorance and hatred are deeply imbedded within it. Those who say differently are either in abject denial or truly blind to the reasoning they lack.

The president's birth record, after all, is clear -- and comprehensive.

As the New York Times remarked in a 2011 editorial titled "A Certificate of Embarrassment": "It is inconceivable that this campaign to portray Mr. Obama as the insidious 'other' would have been conducted against a white president."

Romney's continued insistence on keeping Trump around despite his infamously radical birther campaign tells me, as a writer, that the truth isn't much of priority in his camp. And for a student journalist, someone who values universal truth as something of his lifeblood, that is deeply troubling.

Nobody, it seems, can be immune to rhetoric so poisonous that it strives to paint fiction as fact -- as Trump's does. By seeking to instill fear in the eyes of voters, Trump -- the "swamp monster" -- is undoubtedly treading murky waters.

Still, if this latest bout with birtherism is anything like Trump's last one, it's safe to assume that the in-over-his-head Donald will fall in and land flat on his face -- maybe, while down there, coming into contact with an actual swamp monster.

In such a case only, will the most kick-ass component of fiction -- poetic justice -- be truly served.