03/12/2012 06:26 pm ET Updated May 12, 2012

We Should Forgive Rush Limbaugh

Aw, c'mon, everybody. We should really give Rush Limbaugh a break, just like that dude with the funny nose says.

I mean, I'm sure if I were to robo-send Rushbo well over 50,000 emails strongly suggesting that he might be a fat pill-popping pig with the manners and morals of a rabid hyena (and I have not) (this week), I have no doubt that he would forgive me. (Yeah, I know. Let's pretend, anyway.) Now, that description of him is accurate and his comments about Sandra Fluke were vile and vicious slander, but still, the Rushinator is a bigger man than I am. I mean, way bigger.

After all, the guy did apologize, in much the same way I used to when my mom would come home to find me dangling my little brother's head in the toilet. (Poopyheads go in the toilet. Without rules, society is but a mob.) RushHourInLA said in that apology, "My choice of words was not the best." What heights of poetry can the man not rise to? I'm not ashamed to admit that I misted up a little at that. When he goes on to say, "I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices," well, my heart grew three sizes that day, and I just had to take down my giant "Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot" banner. Also, it was blocking my TV.

(It's good to take a moment to remember that before Al Franken wrote begging letters, he wrote books.)

As you've probably heard, advertisers are fleeing FoolsRushIn's show like sewer rats fleeing a radioactive turd. (My bad. And may I just say: Mmmmm, plutonium milkshakes.) And not just the fat pill-popping pig's show, but all right-wing talk shows. If this continues, it could bring down Premiere Networks ("Where Radio And Psychosis Wear Tinfoil Hats Together!"), then who knows? Maybe Fox News too will fall, followed by all of Rupert Murdoch's vast zombie empire, and pretty soon before you know it people will be arguing from facts instead of made-up bullshit and Republicans will have nowhere to go when they want to get on TV and say that gay marriage causes global warming.

Huh. I thought sure somewhere in that chain of consequences, there'd be something bad.

Really, we can't blame him: RushianMob long ago fell in with a bad crowd; he's just a victim of peer pressure. When Bum'sRush suggested that anyone who wants the government to pay for contraception should post sex tapes for him (actually it was private health insurance, but as the boys of Delta House said of Bluto when he in an inspirational moment invoked the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor: forget it, he's rolling), he more or less defined the right-wing take on women: in HeadRush's world, women exist to make porn for him. (And also to bring him another gin and Percocet.) Like gays and non-whites and non-Christians, they're not really human, but a form of alien life, which may explain the spooky Theremin music whenever those guys show Obama in one of their ads. BustedRush is the victim here--and you can be quite sure we'll be hearing that line pretty soon all over Fox News -- because once he made his first sexist remark, well, in that crowd the stakes just keep getting higher and pretty soon he was on the hard stuff, calling women "feminazis" and doing those weird chair dances. Also, by using the phrase "the stakes kept getting higher" I did not mean to imply that Moses In The BulRushes was a paid-for-by-health-insurance-pill-popping drug addict, though he is, and I apologize for my poor word choice.

To err is human, to forgive, divine, we are told, admittedly by humans, so they could be wrong about that. So I say, let's forgive the guy. Right after we drive him off the air and into bankruptcy.