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04/25/2014 04:31 pm ET Updated Jun 25, 2014

Comedian's Hilarious Argument on Why Girls Should Order Salad on the First Date (NSFW)

According to Andrew Schulz, people who Instagram must always eat lukewarm food. You set up the shot, you watch the mayo drool drip off your sandwich and by the time you're done getting the lighting right, you're left with a soggy, skeetish mess.

andrew-schulz

The host of MTV's Guy CodeJobs That Don't Suck and The Brilliant Idiots podcast phoned in from NY for a long-distance call with Foodbeast. We covered a lot of NSFW ground, including why it's best to stick to "a nice salad" on the first date and why a $50 burger better make you orgasm.

He also gave us a breakdown on why Anthony Bourdain's racial ambiguity is the secret behind the man's success and explains why the West Coast kills the fast food game.

Here's the full transcript while you listen along:

ANTHONY BOURDAIN IS RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS

Charisma
I know this might be a tough decision for you, but Anthony Bourdain or Eddie Huang?

Andrew
Oh man -- I gotta go... with Anthony Bourdain.

C
[giggles]

A
I gotta go with Anthony Bourdain man, I f*ck with Anthony. He's been around the world. I know Eddie's been doing the Fresh Off the Boat thing, but I mean Anthony's the vet. That's the OG of this traveling food game. Right there.

Also, Anthony has got this interesting look where he can fit in, like, any country. Like, he's a white dude, but he's racially ambiguous enough where, like, if you're in Croatia, like, "Yeah he can be Croatian."

If you're in Lebanon, like, "Yeah, he's Lebanese, obviously, look at his face."

I feel like there's more safety with Anthony, he can just become one of the people.

C
The people that he meets on his shows automatically just feel comfortable around him.

A
Yeah he -- 'cause he looks like their cousin! No matter where he goes, he looks like someone's cousin!

C
What if he goes to Asia though?

A
I promise you they got a cousin that looks just like him!

WEST COAST FAST FOOD > EAST COAST FAST FOOD

C
How does being born and bred change your perspective on food?

A
In New York we're spoiled -- there's anything you want. I can go to a place that just makes french fries. I can go to get sushi. I can get Italian. You know it's open 'till 4 in the morning, we're so spoiled with food.

But here's the thing, our fast food in New York is garbage. Your fast food game on the West Coast is crazy is compared to New York.

Like the In-N-Out, I love In-N-Out. I got an In-N-Out gift card in my wallet right now. And what else... I like Carl's Jr., I f*ck with Carl a lil bit.

East Coast -- our fast food is horrible.

A $50 Burger Better Make your Orgasm

C
Don't you get so pissed off when you eat something and you're like ohhh this that's not bad, and then they hit you with a $50 tab for like, a small slice of steak.

A
You know what it is, price changes expectation. Cause if that sh*t didn't cost $50 dollars, it'd taste good. There's some countries where you can get a blowjob for $50. In Germany, that's a first world country, you can get a blowjob for $50, probably less.

If you're gonna charge $50 for a hamburger, that sh*t better make me at least kinda go [orgasm sound].

That shit better be good.

INSTAGRAMMERS ALWAYS EAT LUKEWARM FOOD

C
What are your thoughts on people that Instagram their food at the table, or for a living? For example, yesterday at lunch we got these really dank sandwiches just drooling with mustard and creamy sauce -- and it was just photos for a good 3 minutes. And then we're like OK OK, let's actually eat before this gets cold.

A
Exactly, you just have lukewarm food all the time. That would be the sh*tty thing [laughs]. I'm whatever with it, I'm cool -- it doesn't bother me like the way it seems to bother some other people. Like why do girls always Instagram their brunch? I don't know... I'll put up with a brunch photo as long as you put up some bikini pics as well.

 
GIRLS, EAT A SALAD ON THE FIRST DATE

C
What is the hottest thing a girl can eat on a first date, and dick is not an option?

A
The hottest thing a girl can eat on the first date? Dick is not an option? I don't even want a girl to eat my dick. Not eat my shit. Like I don't want it to be ingested, I'd want her to maybe taste it.

You know what, I'd like a nice salad.

C
A salad? Really? What kinda salad?

A
Yeah salad. I'm not one of those dudes that's like I LIKE A GIRL THAT CAN A EAT A WHOLE MEAL, THAT'S HOT.

I like a nice salad, because if I'm gonna eat her ass later that night I don't want to think about if she had macaroni or some shit that might come out of it. I like something nice and healthy, something that's not gonna interrupt the sexual atmosphere that's could happen later that night.

You know what's sexy? Dessert too! Cause dessert gets all over your lips, gets on your mouth, and then you get to wipe it off her mouth. Or even better, sh*t gets on your mouth... and then she's like 'ohh you got something', and you can pretend you don't know how to clean your own mouth, 'ohh can you help me? Can you help me please?'

C
(silence)

A
Why? What would you eat first date?

C
Everyone in the office makes fun of me, cause I'm obsessed with burgers and I eat like a child. Like, I get sh*t everywhere. It's gonna be on my lap, it's gonna be all over the table. I'm gonna be cleaning it and putting it under the plates so the waiter doesn't judge me.

A
Oh sh*t -- so you're more worried about the waitress judging you than me? That's offensive!

C
They're dealing with -- they're touching my food, you know?

A
I'm touching you!

C
(giggles) Theoretically.

A
Theoretically. If it all went well -- I just think neat. I think neat is good on the first date, and then after we love each other let's just eat what we really want to eat. You can just dip your head into a bucket of BBQ sauce for all I care.