THE BLOG
04/19/2016 12:53 pm ET Updated Apr 19, 2017

The Sociology of Getting Into Medical School

It's very difficult to get into medical school. Only a tiny fraction of college students make it in. And, statistically, it's even harder for dogs.

It's not uncommon for a respected medical school to accept, in any given year, less than five percent of its applicants. And that includes all the high school football players who get into med school on an athletic scholarship.

And these small percentages are themselves a statistical manipulation. Only the best of the best- those college students with the highest grade point averages- even bother to apply. I mean, let's be honest; if they passed out medical school applications at Donald Trump political rallies and audition callbacks for MTV's The Real World, the acceptance rate would barely register a pulse. Heck, my chances of getting into medical school pretty much ended after my first semester of college. "Look, if we start smoking all this stuff immediately, I think I'll still have time to make my history midterm that starts in fifteen minutes."

It's hard to get into medical school. And yet, medical school itself isn't particularly challenging. Graduation rates, even at the most elite medical schools, are particularly high. Only a very small percentage of students drop or flunk out. And when they do, it's only because they're offered more lucrative financial opportunities in the webcam pornography industry.

Yes, I know that your friends in medical school complain about how busy they are, and how hard they work. But to be fair, they're only telling you this to get out of going to your birthday party. In reality, medical school isn't very tough. I personally know many doctors. They're not all smart. You hear stories about patients going in for surgery to have a leg removed... and the doctor removes the wrong leg! That doctor graduated from medical school. (Incidentally, this happened to me when I went in for my gender re-assignment surgery.)

There is elitism to the way that medical school works. It's easy to succeed once you're there, but it's practically impossible to get there. It's like our world of celebrity. It's so hard to become famous. But once you are, your chances of dating a Kardashian are pretty much guaranteed.

But it's not just snobbish. Rather, the medical school system is also stupid. Yes, we live in a stupid society. I get it. Michael Jordan gets paid millions of dollars to endorse underwear. Congress holds hearings to ask Bono how he feels about global terrorism. North Carolina makes laws about who is allowed to use which bathroom. But doctors are important. We need doctors. And the medical school system is stifling America's health care system.

The medical school system has got it all wrong! It's completely backwards! It's inside out! It's a national health care crisis!

It should be easier to get into medical school... and harder to graduate.

Put more chairs in each classroom. Hire more instructors. Open up more buildings on campus. Dig up more cadavers. Medical schools should do more to increase enrollment.

What are medical schools afraid of? Regardless of your undergraduate transcript, regardless of how you weaseled your way in, once you're a medical student, as long as you complete the necessary work to graduate, then you are entitled to a diploma. And if it turns out you don't have what it takes to succeed- because blood makes you queasy or because you can't remember which intestine is the long one or... whatever- then you won't receive a degree and you won't be allowed to practice medicine, anyway. No harm, no foul. Or no ham, no fowl... if you're a vegetarian.

There's no real logical reason why it should be so hard to get into medical school. Heck, you can get into law school with an application fee and pinky-swearing that you'll eventually get around to finishing up your GED. This year's law school acceptance rate is 109%. I was accepted into four different law schools last year alone... and I never even applied. And we need lawyers. Without lawyers, it would be so much harder to sue doctors for malpractice... these same cream-of-the-crop doctors who were accepted into medical school. Just sayin'.

Regardless of your qualifications, or your lack thereof, if you fail out of medical school, you can't be a doctor, anyway... I mean, unless you open a practice in Florida.

But it's not like, by expanding the acceptance rate, medical schools will be flooded with unqualified applicants. The vast majority of rejected medical school applicants are successful, studious, hard-working students. That's the reason they're trying to get into, and expecting to do well in, medical school. Statistically, less than fifteen percent of medical school applicants are functionally illiterate and/or only applied to medical school out of drunken confusion.

Thousands of rejected medical school applicants graduated from college with a 3.8 GPA, a 3.9, even a perfect 4.0. Have you been to a college campus lately? It's a ludicrous world of frat parties, political correctness, texting during class, and man buns. The students who do take their education seriously, who make the effort to flourish academically, have earned a seat in medical school. Or does one not sit down in medical school? On TV, the medical students are always huddling over a dead body. Is that a real thing? Well, anyway, I bet a lot of those top quality students who don't get into medical school would, if they had the chance, become fantastic doctors.

If I have a medical problem, I want to see a doctor who thrived in medical school. I don't care if they scored well on their medical college admission test. You know what question is not on the MCATs? "Doc, can you help me with this weird pain in my shoulder?"

Society accepts the reality of medical school. But understand that we made it all up. We can just as easily change the system, which in turn will produce more competent doctors, fewer sick people, and more horse tranquilizer prescriptions for my upcoming bachelor party. Everybody wins.

America is ready for a medical school revolution. Your medical school application was rejected? Then fight for your right to earn a degree and to help people in need. And if that fails, then apply to the University of Guam.