04/14/2014 01:50 pm ET Updated Jun 14, 2014

There's a New Pizza Rule

Here's the new pizza rule...

When you're in a group setting and several pizzas are being ordered, only plain pizza is allowed. Whether the group is ordering three pizzas or five pizzas or ten pizza pies, the same rule applies. Only plain pizza can be ordered. No toppings. No black olives. No green peppers. No diced chicken. No raccoon testicles. No unicorn horn shavings. Just plain.

Pizza is dough, sauce and cheese. Pizza is not dough, sauce, cheese and some random extra crap that the jerks in the room are yelling out when the guy holding the phone asks, "What kind of pizza should I get?" Those idiots who yell out extra toppings are the same people who heckle comedians and applaud at the end of movies. If Ashton Kutcher yelled out stock tips, if Rosie O'Donnell offered medical advice, would you listen? Sometimes, it's best to just ignore.

It's time to give a voice back to the powerless. And, yes, I'm referring to the people at the get-together who keep saying, over and over, "Plain. Please just order the plain. Everyone eats the plain." Because whenever the pizza order is being placed, it's the loud a-holes shouting absurd suggestions that have control. The rights of the innocent pizza lovers can no longer be trampled upon. Thomas Jefferson gave you a shot. But you blew it. Your speech is no longer valid. And now the First Amendment of the Pizza Constitution must be revoked. It's time for martial law. That might sound harsh. But it's not nearly as harsh as the disgusting blend of pizza and sausage.

Because it doesn't matter how many different varieties of pizza are set out on the kitchen counter or the picnic table or on the hotel room floor. Inevitably, everyone will go for the plain pizza first. And then you're left with a pizza with spinach topping that nobody wants and that nobody admits to ordering. Spinach topping? You couldn't ruin pizza any faster if you spray painted gang signs on the crust. Heck, if Popeye's spinach was on a pizza, he'd just say, "No, that's okay. I'm cool with getting pummeled by Bluto."

Yes, I get it; people like to yell stuff. And when the pizza is being ordered, they have this weird compulsion to name off random toppings. But just because your old college roommates say "peanut butter and jelly pizza" doesn't mean you have to order it. If your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you? (Yes, if the alternate choice was artichoke hearts on my pizza.)

Everyone likes the plain pizza. Everyone eats the plain pizza. Everyone will eat your plain pizza. "Let's get broccoli pizza" might sound like a good idea at the time, but so did that Bon Jovi tattoo on your stomach.

Let's review some popular toppings.


Yes, Pepperoni tastes good. So do doughnuts. Do you put doughnuts on your pizza?

Pizza tastes like pizza. Pepperoni pizza tastes like pepperoni. Then why bother with the pizza? I like French fries. I like cookie dough ice cream. If cookie dough ice cream flavored French fries tasted like cookie dough ice cream, then I would just get cookie dough ice cream.

Pepperoni doesn't make pizza better. Rather, it changes the taste of the pizza. If your girlfriend gets a new hairstyle, she might look better. If your girlfriend gets a new head, well then she becomes a different person. Pepperoni is like a new head. And that's just weird.


Growing up, my family ordered mushrooms on the pizza. Or as I call it: child abuse.

My parents would downplay my complaints by saying, "You can't even taste the mushrooms." Then why the hell would you order the pizza that way? You know what else you can't taste? Air. I wouldn't have had a problem with air topping... because that's plain pizza.

Of course, you can taste the mushrooms. They taste sort of like when you wake up in the morning with bad breath.

To appease me, in the hopes I didn't call Child Protective Services, my parents would order the pizza "half-and-half", half-mushroom and half-plain. But as all pizza connoisseurs know, putting mushrooms on even a separate section of the pizza completely changes the chemical composition of the entire pizza. The cheese does not melt the same. The surrounding cheese is now mushroom-flavored. Not to mention that the pizza is never really "half-mushroom." Rather, it's more like half the pizza is mushroom, and the other half is sort of plain but with wayward mushrooms crossing over to my side, along with tiny mushroom bits scattered about. Mushrooms are like the Russia of pizza; they don't respect borders.

My parents would say, "Well just pick off the mushrooms if you don't like them." I would respond, "Next time let's get half-plain and half rat turds. Just pick off the turds if you don't like them."


I'm not convinced that there is a really such a fish called the "anchovy." I've heard of fishermen going after salmon and trout and cod, but never anchovies. I've never seen an anchovy in someone's fish tank. Sea World doesn't house anchovies in their aquariums. (Though the giant orcas do live in a tank better suited for something the size of an anchovy.)

Do you remember Sea Monkeys? You empty a few small paper packets into a tank of water, throw some salt into the mix and suddenly you have disgusting living creatures. (Coincidentally, this also explains the Duggar family.) Anyway, I'm pretty sure anchovies are some sort of Sea Monkey type of animal. Putting anchovies on top of your pizza can't be healthy -- I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally.


Nobody needs extra cheese. Never order a pizza with extra cheese. Order your pizza with enough cheese. "Yes, and I'd like to get that with enough cheese." Or, just assume your local pizza parlor knows what is it doing, and it's using the proper ratio of cheese-to-dough-to-sauce.

Everyone likes cheese. That's why when we're told to say "cheese", we all smile. But "extra" is, by definition, too much. Nobody builds a house with extra roof.

It's too much cheese already! Pizza Hut is still figuring out ways to stuff more cheese into its pies. Do we really need cheese cooked into the crust? How about the box? "Pizza Hut: Now Delivering Your Food In A Special 4-Cheese Stuffed Box!"


I was at a gathering of friends, and someone did indeed call out- and then it was actually phoned in -- a pineapple pizza. Up until the pizza actually arrived, I thought the people involved were joking. But it turns out the joke was on every American with the good sense to know that pineapple pizza is the worst invention ever. I mean, until Twitter: #pineapplepizzaisterriblywrong, #twittersucks.

No fruit should ever be on a pizza. (Note: Tomatoes are a vegetable.) But pineapple is the worst fruit! As its name implies, a pineapples taste like a combination of apples and pinecones. That's why nothing is ever pineapple-flavored. They have lemon ices and orange soda and boo berry cereal and peach schnapps.

Why would anyone think to put pineapples on pizza? This is not a pizza topping, it's a cry for help.

Americans should take Hawaiian pizza about as seriously as we take Hawaii.

Just get the plain pizza. That's the rule now. You're welcome, America.


Here's an alternative to the rule.

Whoever calls out the stupid pizza toppings has to eat the pizzas with the stupid toppings. I don't mean you have to eat a few slices and then you can dive into my plain pizza. No, I mean you have to finish your entire bleech-topped pizza before being allowed any of the plain, regular, normal, delicious, beautiful, simple, classic, evenly-toned pizza that looks so tasty right about now, doesn't it?

And if you still want to scream words next time we're ordering the pizza, how about yelling something like "I'll pay!"