07/30/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Republican Summer Olympics of 2009

Showcasing and broadcasting "traditional family values" has become a core public relations strategy of the Grand Old Party's "Contract with America." Republicans perpetually fight to post and preach the Old Testament's Ten Commandments in every public venue that the law allows. Ironically, their private embraces are often in complete contradistinction with their own oft-trumpeted, Biblically-mandated "moral" guidelines for the rest of us.

Sure, the Democrats have former U.S. President, serial adulterer and cigar-wielding Lothario William Jefferson Clinton, former New Jersey Governor and once closeted "gay American" Jim McGreevey, former North Carolina U.S. Senator and adultering "maybe-baby Daddy" John Edwards and the ever-entertaining former straitlaced New York Governor and "hooker acolyte" Eliot Spitzer to keep the nation amused with their hetero- and homosexual peccadilloes. Yet none of these men so brazenly used the Bible as a political bludgeon to compete for their official roles.

The Republican Party's sanctimonious" "Big Tent" of superstars in the fields of hypocrisy and immorality refuses to be outdone by the rank amateurs holding elected office in those sinful Blue States. In terms of public-private duplicity, the GOP enjoys an unparalleled record. So this summer, individual Republican elected officials have come together -- in the style of a traveling USO show -- to entertain a financially beleaguered and emotionally embattled nation.

Although not officially sanctioned by the RNC, Republicans across the political spectrum have generously staged an off-year Summer Olympiad to demonstrate that their deepest and most personal visions for the "American Dream" are far more interesting than their "official" on-the-record moral-electoral preachings.

The following is a summary of the competitive events included in the Republican Summer Olympics of 2009 -- with their stellar roster of political athletes in the fields of moral turpitude, hypocrisy, deceit and corruption -- and a list of the medalists to date:

Synchronized Sinning:

Gold: South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (Parsimonious and sanctimonious anti-abortion and anti-gay-marriage crusader and "principled" Federal stimulus bailout money rejector who apparently is tone-deaf to the suffering of his jobless and impoverished constituents; Sanford abruptly disappears from and abdicates the responsibilities of the S.C. Governor's office -- and from his wife Jenny and four young sons on Father's Day weekend -- to surreptitiously hook up with his hot Argentinean mistress -- Maria Belen Shapur -- on the taxpayer's dime; worse, he leaves word with his confused staffers that he was "hiking the Appalachian trail" when, in fact, the only "trail" he left was a string of embarrassingly romantic and sexually explicit emails that have dashed any hopes of running for the Presidency in 2012)

Silver: Nevada U.S. Senator John Ensign (born-again Christian, staunch monogamy advocate and most prominent member of the evangelical men's moral and sexual purity group -- the "Promise Keepers" -- who has famously castigated Democratic and Republican adulterers alike from his moral "high ground"; Ensign subsequently has an extramarital affair with a female staffer, doubles her salary, puts her son on the Republican National Senatorial Committee payroll and then charges the mistress' husband -- another Ensign staffer -- with extortion; a family affair indeed...)

Bronze: Louisiana U.S. Senator David Vitter (abstinence-only sex education advocate, "intelligent design"/creationism school curriculum promoter, anti-abortion crusader, anti-gay marriage activist and Constitutional "Marriage Protection Amendment" co-sponsor whose profligate prostitute and brothel patronage including adult diaper-wearing-during-sex -- while still married to his ever-loyal wife Wendy -- has motivated his well-informed electorate to keep him in office to this day.)

Coaches (and their areas of special expertise):

• Arizona U.S. Senator and public relations magician John McCain (Bottom-of-his-class at the U.S. Naval Academy, serial Navy aircraft crasher (5 planes), "Maverick" Bush-hugger and perennially-defeated U.S. Presidential candidate; for cheating on his disfigured and crippled first wife after her horrific car accident despite the fact that she supported him and the whole family during his infamous 5 ½-year stay at the "Hanoi Hilton"; McCain starts to feel better after extensive physical rehabilitation and runs off and marries a hot, 26-year-old, wealthy beer heiress named Cindy and divorces the old, beat-up first ball and chain.)

• Former House Speaker and moral charlatan Newt Gingrich (for personally delivering papers to surprise his cancer-stricken first wife with a divorce while she's in the hospital recovering from surgery for uterine cancer; Gingrich then fails to provide adequate child support payments for his two children for which his jilted wife and two kids have to rely on church handouts; Mrs. Newt #1 is forced to take him to court to care for his own spawn; Gingrich subsequently cheats on Mrs. Newt #2 with a woman 20 years his junior and marries the hapless young mistress to become the third victim in the tragic lineage of numbered Newt wives.)

• Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley (for the artful irony of espousing as sacrosanct strong child protection laws from sexual predators whilst texting sexually explicit messages to underage male Congressional pages.)

• Former Idaho U.S. Senator Larry Craig (for championing anti-gay "family values" and legislation while perfecting wide-stanced, toe-tapping routines in public restrooms to attract undercover male sex partners despite the repeated and continuing assertions by Craig that "I am not gay")

Spiritual Advisor: Former Evangelical Leader and Mega-Pastor Ted Haggard (Ultra-pious, anti-gay, moral purity preacher on Sundays; pays to be being sodomized on weekdays for three years by a hunky male prostitute while Haggard is high on crystal methamphetamine; confesses to "sexual immorality" and -- after intensive "rehabilitation" -- now claims to be a "heterosexual with issues")

Torture Triathlon (constructing illegal CIA prisons, condoning extraordinary rendition, engaging in disingenuous but repetitive denial):

Gold: Former Vice President Dick Cheney (diabolical scheming)
Silver: Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez (diabolical enabling)
Bronze: Former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (diabolical acquiescence)

Conservative Bloviator Pentathlon: (hate-mongering, fear-inciting, wedge-driving, patriotism-questioning and high-profile hypocrisy):

Gold (tie): Conservative Talk Radio Super-Bloviator and de facto Republican Party Messiah Rush Limbaugh (former high school footballer and Southeast Missouri State University dropout who subsequently lost his college deferment for the Vietnam War draft and then was quickly deemed "ineligible for military service" -- by his own private physician -- because of a "pilonidal cyst" on his rear end; Limbaugh's OxyContin-fueled rants and uproarious Michael J. Fox Parkinsonism symptom imitations along with his broadcasting of the chart-topping ditty "Barack the Magic Negro" have won him astronomically high ratings with rednecks, Church Ladies and people with IQ's in single digits)

Gold (tie): "Bomb-throwing" best-selling author, media mongrel, 9/11 widow-insulter, skeletal black cocktail dress-wearing and talk show circuit regular Ann Coulter (castigates Democrats who practice free speech and then hides behind the First Amendment for making vile and libelous statements about anyone who dares to voice a progressive or thoughtful opinion; supports government spying on Americans, torture as a "spectator sport," labels all terrorists as "Muslim," promotes the moral justification for the murder of abortion providers, blames "Gun-Free School Zone" laws as "the reason schools are consistently popular targets for mass murderers," unapologetically calls Bill Clinton a "rapist," Al Gore " a fag" and John Edwards "a faggot;" refers to Democrats as the "Spawn of Satan" and a "brain-damaged" voting bloc, espouses an environmental policy in which she interprets the Bible's teaching about man's respect for Mother Earth as to "be fruitful, multiply and rape the planet... it's yours," promotes an immigrant reform policy of "hire illegal immigrants to build the's cheap labor...and (then) throw out the illegals who are here;" and regards George W. Bush as "the man responsible for keeping Americans safe from another terrorist attack on American soil for nearly seven years and who now will go down in history as one of America's greatest presidents".)

Silver: Fox "News" political commentator and bellicose blowhard Bill O'Reilly (for creating an on-air atmosphere of hatred and intolerance that is widely believed to have contributed to the murder of late-term abortion provider Dr. George Tiller and for providing a female Fox News producer a verbal "how-to" manual on phone sex topics such as vibrators, threesomes, masturbation, and Caribbean sexual fantasies, including the unexpected carnal pleasures of shower loofah mitts)

Bronze: Conservative political commentator, herbal/homeopathic medicine scholar and father to Rockstar Energy Drink's CEO Russell Weiner, Michael Alan Weiner aka "Michael Savage" (for his on-air and in-print "conservative" railings against autistic Americans, homosexuals, Islam, Roman Catholics, Mexican immigrants, feminists, sex education and the homeless have earned him broadcasting's "Anti-Mother Teresa Award" for spewing vitriol, intolerance and general nastiness; now officially banned from entering the United Kingdom for "fostering extremism and hatred")

Coach: Fox "News" commentator and radio personality Sean Hannity (fanatical George W. Bush apologist, ardent Iraq war-justification supporter, free-speech hypocrite, Constitutional Church-State separation denier, and self-proclaimed "Great American" who, despite his $20 million yearly contract, agrees with Phil Gramm's condescending comment on Americans' reaction to the faltering economy that we are a nation of "whiners;" "pals around" with his racist, Neo-Nazi "soul mate of hate" and extremist nutbag Hal Turner and provides Mr. Turner with free airtime -- and a "secret" call-in number to Hannity's show with his true identity thinly disguised as "Hal from North Bergen" -- to spew Third-Reich-inspired invective)

Influence Fencing:

Gold: Former California Congressman and homophobic criminal Randy "Duke" Cunningham (for commenting on the routine medical rectal examination for prostate cancer as "just not natural, unless maybe you're Barney Frank;" for suggesting that the Democratic House leadership (and formerly, Vietnam War protesters) should be "lined up and shot;" for referring to gay soldiers as "homos" on the floor of the House of Representatives; for accepting at least $2.4 million in bribes from defense contractors who bought his home and his yacht and provided him with a Rolls Royce, Persian rugs, jewelry, antiques and prostitutes; convicted in 2006 of conspiracy, mail fraud, wire fraud, and tax evasion for which he is now serving a 100 month prison sentence)

Silver: Former Ohio Congressman and xenophobic "Freedom Fries" inventor Bob Ney (for using his Congressional influence as Chairman of the House Administration Committee -- colloquially known as "The Mayor of Capitol Hill" -- to grant political favors to the infamous Jack Abramoff lobbying team in exchange for gifts, including a free trip to the Super Bowl, Northern Marianas Islands, golfing in Scotland, the use of luxury boxes at sporting events, concerts and expensive meals; took multiple bribes as "campaign contributions" to support Indian gaming; sentenced to 30 months in prison and to 200 hours of community service)

Bronze: Former Alaska U.S. Senator Ted Stevens (developed a novel bartering system for home repairs and remodeling, trading influence in awarding oil-field service contracts in exchange for massive increases in personal home equity)


• Republican super-lobbyist and super-criminal Jack Abramoff: (central character in the greatest number of high-profile Republican political scandals than anyone in American political history; involved in defrauding multiple American Indian tribes of tens of millions of dollars, corruption including bribery and influence-purchasing of more than 15 public officials; illegal international schemes involving the nations of Scotland, Russia, Malaysia, Sudan and the offshore U.S. Commonwealths of Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands; widely regarded as the most successful and influential lobbyist to the Bush Administration; indicted or convicted of conspiracy, mail/wire/bank fraud, tax evasion and bribery; currently "naming names" and cooperating with over 100 FBI investigators in a plea deal which will keep him incarcerated at a Federal prison camp near FBI headquarters as inmate # 27593-112 until December 2011.)

• Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay (Conservative "Christian values" arbiter, anti-environmentalist, Clinton-impeachment advocate/leader, Terry Schiavo feeding tube interloper, partisan Texas gerrymanderer, profligate acceptor of "gifts" from the aforementioned super-criminal lobbyist Jack Abramoff and the winner of the dubious distinction of being the first Congressional leader ever to be criminally indicted on felony charges -- on conspiracy, money laundering and conspiracy to violate election law)

In the June 28, 2009 issue of the New York Times, Op-Ed columnist Charles M. Blow cogently outlined and graphed Republican/conservative double standards in a think piece entitled "The Prurient Trap." He highlights "the appalling hypocrisy of ... social conservative(s) saying one thing while doing another." Mr. Blow aptly notes that Republican strategists and voters routinely use "sexual morality as a weapon and now it's shooting them in the foot." According to statistical analyses, social conservatives tend to buy more Internet porn, get divorced at higher rates and have the highest teenage birth rates.

It will require highly-skilled political pole vaulting to break free of the giant pile of manure dumped on this great nation by the very people claiming the closest proximity to God. Thank the good (nondenominational) Lord that the majority of the American people were finally awakened in the 2008 elections to this dark legacy of vile criminal deceptions and cheating by "social conservatives."

Now we can enjoy a real President (and not merely a Neocon-controlled, Manchurian-candidate frat boy) as our national torch-bearer with an athletic intellect, finely-honed political skills and a muscular mandate from the electorate to take America back from the illegitimate theocracy that we have become and to re-institute true Democratic principles as outlined in our Constitution. Let the heavy lifting begin.