10/30/2012 06:09 pm ET Updated Dec 30, 2012

A Big Huge Endorsement

So it's officially endorsement season. When everyone and their editors want to tell you who they're voting for and why. Friends, front pages, bosses. As if you should give a damn. As if what they say matters. As if their shit don't smell shitty. Who do they think they are? Telling you who to vote for. Just cause they made a little money? Or have a masthead? Or a Facebook account? That gives them the right to tell you who to vote for? Screw them. You know who to vote for.

Right? You're not an idiot. You think. You've read. A newspaper. Back when they existed. Those were the Times. You've watched plenty of TV. Seen some commercials. Tuned in for the big events. You've surfed the web. You're not some dumb American. Who needs help. Who needs to hear someone else's opinion. That's why you're two paragraphs through this. You know what to do.

You've been informed. Throughout this process. By the media. By big headlines and bold declarations. Videos and recordings. Vikram Pundits. They haven't missed a beat. If a candidate farted they sniffed it out. And broke the wind story. About the mills. You know all about this election. You have not been mislead. So no excuses. You've got this.

You don't need to get cornered at a party. Get that seventh beer lecture. Listen to a guy with a martini. Talk to a belligerent teacher. Fight with an uncle. You don't need to hear the political preferences of someone you just want to have sex with. Like your husband or wife, and their friends. Or former co-workers. Or anyone that flirts with you. You don't need to know their status update. It's not going to influence you. You've made up your mind.

You've decided. You've carefully weighed both candidates and even went to this neat online site that tells you which one has the most views in common with you. The okay Cupid of politics. If it's on the Internet it's got to be impartial. You've considered the pros and cons. You know, the politicians. And you've picked which one creeps you out less.

You're all set. So you can take your endorsement and shove it. Save your well words. Your reason. Your breath. For someone who cares. For someone who needs some guidance. Someone that needs a crutch. Someone that needs steroids for the strength of their convictions. You know what you believe. Your core values. You know what you stand for. You're sure.

Here's an endorsement spoiler alert: it is who you thought it would be. (Sorry, did I just ruin the entire season?) Because you've read that source before. You've spoken to that person. You've seen them in a suit. So you know who they're selecting. No one shocks you with their presidential pick. It's the guy they look like they're voting for. True from newspapers to nudists. A newspaper is either endorsing the guy their articles always support or the guy their articles are always complaining about the lack there of. Nudists, too. Are always complaining about their lack of support.

If you can't look a person in the eye and know who they're picking for President, poll them up the ass real quick. Please. So they have to stay still. And Gallup and I can come take a look. Because that would be amazing. That would be something. You can't judge a book by its cover but you can tell what someone's read. Everyone knows who everyone's voting for.

But everyone voting, that's another thing. I don't even know if my best friend will. If he registered or has any idea where to go? If he even knows what day it is? Do you? It's sneaky hard to tell whether anyone's actually going to vote. Sure the people with signs on their lawn, but what about that guy? Or him? Or Jim? Or Josh Duhamel? Or Fergie for that matter? We know who they'd pick but who knows if they'll go out of their way. And actually vote. I think, head to a gun, we could all agree who'd win if 100% of the population voted, but that's not the way the game is played. That's free and fair.

So here's an endorsement: vote. For Hu Ever. He's an Asian candidate. First time running for office. Impressive background. Just vote. Don't be lazy. Don't be stupid. Don't be holy. Thou's still got you beat. Do your civic duty and cast a ballot. And if you do want to consider what someone else has to say, then hear them out. Give a read. Take their call. If you don't, punch them in the face. Click on the red x. Slam your door. When it comes to people telling you who they're going to vote for and why, that's really the best advice.