What more could you possibly want to read about the fiscal cliff? Yes, you. Reading this. And now that. I'm trying to write here, but I've got no idea what would remotely interest you about the fiscal cliff. Haven't you read about it somewhere else already? Do you want me to repeat what you already know? Offer an opinion that definitely doesn't matter and won't change your mind? Make a case that far better, more intelligent and less smelly word-slingers have made a thousand times before? How could you actually expect me to come up with anything original about the fiscal cliff? Because I'd be glad to do it. I just have no clue how.
I could write about the current state of the negotiations. Except that would involve sources, and contacts, and inside knowledge. Three things I don't possess and truly terrify me. Would I have to pick up a phone? And call someone? Jesus, I'm not an investigative reporter; I'm a writer. I don't want to talk to anyone with aides. That's horrifying. What you want me to meet someone in an abandoned parking garage wearing a trench coat and a wire? Get out of here. I'm not getting up from behind my computer. And neither are you.
You want me to take a guess as to what a final deal will look like? Here's my expert opinion: I dunno. It'll involve a lot of numbers. Everyone will be mad. All the news channels will have people on to talk about it. They'll be mad. Web sites will boil it down to four bold words in size 28. Possibly underlined. People will comment on it underneath. They'll be mad. Rich people will have to pay a little bit more. They'll be mad. Poor people will have to deal with a little bit less. They'll be mad. The rest of us will have to wait in a long line at some point in our future because a girl behind a counter is moving so slowly. We'll be mad.
How about a humorous take on how ridiculous our current political climate is? I could totally make fun of dysfunction or datfunction of government? How even after an election about taxing the wealthy we're still debating taxing the wealthy. Would that be something worth reading? Oh, what? You've read that before. Yeah, me too. What? It was much funnier and more clever than anything you could ever write also. Whoa. You don't have to be a jerk about it. I got it the first time. I'll end the paragraph.
What else is there? There's the fiscal cliff and nothing else. You want me to crack jokes about Mohamed Morsi and the Muslim Brotherhood's takeover of Egypt? Talk about a pyramid scheme, huh? Mohamed Morsi replaced a dictator and now is trying to become one himself. How's that for a nile-ist? Am I right? I haven't seen this much unhappiness in Egypt since all their first-born sons were killed. Can I get a what what?
See what I'm saying. I've got to stick with the fiscal cliff. But I've got nothing to offer you. Because I'm just so bored of it. Aren't you? It's like we just watched the Super Bowl and the next week they want us to tune in to a regular season game. We're all burnt out. The players are exhausted. The media are spent. Shouldn't we be allowed some time to recover? To rejuvenate. Before we have to go to battle again. We did our part. With the election. We the people decided. Now leave us alone and figure it out.
I don't want to talk about the fiscal cliff anymore. I'm sick of it. I want to talk about something else. Anything else. I won't do it anymore. No. No. I don't want to. I don't want to. I refuse. No. No. No! I hate you. You always do this. I never want to talk to you again. No, you're being immature. You're being immature. If I have to talk about this fiscal cliff for one more second I'm going to throw a fit.
And it's all your fault. Because you demand something topical. And relevant. And worthwhile. It's so not fair. To force me to try and write anything even somewhat entertaining about such a redundant subject that were all already sick of. I'm not your dancing monkey; I'm my wife's. So why don't you come up with something brilliant then? Why don't you try to make it to 800 words? Why don't you bring something to the table? If you care about the fiscal cliff so much, then prove it. Do something about it. Get off your ass, get a drink, sit back down and start typing. Oh, what, you're just a reader? And I'm the writer. Great excuse. Real original.