12/06/2011 03:18 pm ET Updated Feb 05, 2012

The Dow of Life

Oh man, the Dow Jones is up 45 points right now! 45 points! I can only hope it still is when you read this, because you have no idea how great it feels. And even if it's not I'm telling you at some point it was. How awesome is that? It's just amazing. Isn't it? When the Dow goes up. Everything just feels so different. For everyone. For all of us. Everything just feels better. The sun shines brighter. The birds sing louder. The breasts look a little perkier. The world is just a better place to be.

When the Dow goes up life is worth living. For every single living thing. For the farmer toiling in the field. For the laborer working on the line. For the poet writing on the page. There is no greater inspiration, nothing more to strive for, than learning that the Dow has gone up. It's why we all do the work we do. If we can find work.

When the Dow goes up so does our good fortunes. One and all. It's our lucky day. Our pockets swell with pride. Our wallets burst with width. Our guts bust with consumption. We're going to be able to get that Mercedes after all. A wave of exhilaration washes over all of us. Just trickling down like gambler's sweat. And we all get to bathe in it.

When the Dow goes up, so do our spirits. So do our very essences of being. So do our wieners. When the Dow goes up the only thing that comes down is our shorts. So we can enjoy the pleasure of our elevated points. Nothing arouses the senses like a percentage gained. Nothing gets us going more than being told our industrial average is larger than expected.

When the Dow goes up our dreams go with it. Soaring into the stratosphere. We think of what might someday be. Of what our world, our lives, are capable of. If the Dow can go up, then so can I. There is nothing I can't reach. If the Dow can climb that high, then why can't I. Just get me a ladder. To the moon. And if I slip I'll still be among the stars.

When the Dow goes up by but one percentage point every person's life gets exponentially improved. Maybe not 100, but nearly 99. For when that Dow is dialing it up we denizens have no choice but to enjoy the ride. To surf the swell. To sit and watch our lives get that much more amazing. For when the Dow goes up there is no sadness. There is no hardship. There is no pain and frustration. There is only joy and celebration. There is only dancing in the streets and rejoicing in the rivers. There is only communal happiness, shared by each and every inhabitant of God's green earth, the meek and the mighty, the blind and the bifocaled, the lepers and the leopard-skin coated, the have-nots and the have-alls, join hands, skip in a circle, and shout to the sky in exuberance. The Dow has gone up! The Dow has gone up!

Epilogue: As of the completion of this the Dow is down 18 points. I want to die dead.