03/06/2012 12:56 pm ET Updated May 06, 2012

The Real Victims in the Contraception Controversy: Men

It is almost impossible to conceive that there is currently a "contraception controversy" raging in this country. Even the very term seems like a contradiction. For if one is using contraception, than there's usually no controversy. And if one isn't, than you're probably not that controversial. But I think I know what the problem is. I think we're all looking at this totally wrong. This whole contraception controversy isn't about women's health -- it's about men's.

Because how healthy are men going to be if women who want or need aren't able to have access to birth control? If women can't freak freely. Hook-up randomly. Give it up regrettably. Make a mistake. Then how the hell are we ever going to get laid? We're going to be walking around with nut sacks the size of winter squirrels. A giant, nationwide elephantiasis march. Of angry, pent-up, on the verge of exploding males. With balls as blue as birds. Does that sound healthy?

Seriously Republicans, it's called guy code. Bros before hos. And you are totally cockblocking us right now. What kind of wingmen are you? Preventing a girl from popping the pill. We're supposed to be in this together. I thought you were the party that liked to party. Behind closed doors. But now you're pooping all over us. You're like the hot chick's annoying drunk friend who needs a ride home at the end of the night. What a bunch of mother hens. If Congress feels it's their duty to get involved in our sex lives, shouldn't it at least be to help us get some? Maybe that would actually help their approval ratings. Man up, Republicans. For men's health.

And I'm no misogynist. In fact, I'd bang her. Oh, c'mon, she's not married. She's not Mrs. Ogynist. It's fair game. You just wish you had gotten there first. I'll even buy her breakfast. And flowers. And text her two days later. And set up another time we can hang out. And bang her again. And marry her and get a tortoiseshell cat. As long as she's on birth control. But if she's not, how do you expect me to try and start a relationship with her? I can't get involved with the risk and all that. It's just not healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I want women to be healthy too. I'm all for women's health. I want each and every woman to be healthy. Real healthy. I love me a healthy woman. Which is why I want them to be on the appropriate pills. So they can enjoy their good health. And not have to worry about getting sick. And bloated. And nauseous. And infected with a foreign parasite. That grows and grows. And eventually makes her miserable. And resentful towards men. See, I'm thinking about our long-term health too.

But besides health this is really an issue about life. For men. To get to live a little and not have to fear the repercussions. This is about liberty. For men. To have the freedom to fling and not have to worry about any unintended results. This is about the pursuit of happy penis. For men. To be able to enjoy sex without having to dread any unwanted effects. This is an issue about the very inalienable rights that our country was built on and is supposed to protect. The sovereign rights of men.

There is a war on men being waged in this country. That wants to see us stripped of our hard-earned gains in society, and send us back to a time when we can only have sex within a marriage. For the sole purpose of procreating. They want us to return to a time before the revolution. Where we'll only do it in our wooden beds once the candles are blown out and the butter's been churned. They long to retreat to a time when men were denied their status as sexual beings. And forced to wear white wigs and woolen stockings. Our male sexuality terrifies them. Which is why they call us names. Like player. And stud.

So my hope is that by drawing attention to this men's health crisis we can prevent it from growing into a full-blown epidemic. This is sex we're talking about after all. If that's not a human right, what is? Is Congress next going to limit our access to safe air? Or aspirin? It's time to take this feigned contraception controversy to bed and enter the modern world. Women must have every opportunity to have their contraception covered by their insurance whether they need it for a pre-existing medical condition or whether they just want to have sex for sex sake. It's time to stop demonizing female sexuality. It's time to stop making women pay for the freedom to experiment and experience. It's time to stop making women apologize for being sexually active. It's time to stop preventing women from having the right to be just as creepy, aggressive, or open as their male counterparts. Which is just the cure we men need.