Relationships built on connecting with others are the heart of leadership. Thus, to strengthen your leadership you must turn toward and accept bids for connection instead of turning away from them. This flies in the face of the core principle of time management, saying "no". But then connecting more deeply with people was never going to be a time saver. It certainly takes time - and is probably the first, best use of your time.
In Emily Esfahani Smith's excellent article in the Atlantic on the 2 Traits of Lasting Relationships she describes John and Julie's Gottman's research on married couples. They figured out that successful couples accept 87% of their partners' bids to connect while unsuccessful couples turn away 67% of the time.
- In general, couples respond to each other in one of four different ways: active destructive, passive destructive, passive constructive and active constructive.
Steven Covey used to preach that we should focus on the important, not urgent things as a way to overcome the urgent, not important things over time. The trouble is that things that are urgent, but not important to us are urgent and important to someone else. Every time we choose to turn our attention away from these things, we're turning away someone else's bid to connect with us.
Get the point? The Don was wrong when he said "It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business." Business relationships are inherently personal. There is a price to be paid every time we turn away someone's bid to connect.
- "Can we deliver?" - active destructive
- "Great. We're making progress on another front as well...." - passive destructive
- "Congratulations!" - passive constructive
- "Wonderful. When did you find out? What did they say? What happens next?" - active constructive
Only the fourth, active constructive response accepts the bid. The bid is not to inform you. The bid is for you to share the bidder's feelings and strengthen your connection with him or her.
Leadership is about inspiring and enabling others. The BRAVE Leadership framework encompasses behaviors, relationships attitudes, values, environment:
- Environment - Where to play? (Context)
- Values - What matters and why? (Purpose)
- Attitudes - How to win? (Strategy)
- Relationships - How to connect? (Message)
- Behaviors - What impact? (Implementation)
Crossing these concepts with the idea of accepting bids to connect leads to the following implications.
- The prelude to moments of impact matters. Take the time to think through the context, the purpose and the strategy. You must ask and answer questions about where to play, what matters and why and how to win in order to be ready to make an impact.