01/28/2009 02:16 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The New Reality

The networks announced that they are launching nothing but reality and game shows until the Strike is resolved. A friend from the Studios just faxed me a highly classified preview of what programs are being fast tracked into production for January:

1) "Surprise Funeral" A dead body is taken to a television studio and placed in a sealed coffin. The friends and family of the deceased are then invited to the studio not knowing who has died. The first person to guess who is in the coffin (No Peeking!) wins $50,000! You will see people frantically searching the room for loved ones only to be disappointed by locating them in the crowd. After an hour, the lid of the coffin springs open, the corpse pops up and the winner is crowned.

2) "Green Card" Five smoking hot illegal immigrant women compete non-verbally (because none of them speak English) to land the affections (and marriage Visa) of a wealthy, overweight American. Only here's the catch; he HATES foreigners!

3) "Death Pool" Andy Dick, Courtney Love, Abe Vigoda and Elizabeth Taylor try desperately to stay alive. The estate of each person who dies is split among the remaining players until they are all gone and the fortune is awarded to Dick Clark.

4) "Irreconcilable Differences" Couples come in and compete for a free divorce. Judges decide who has the worst marriage based on testimony, video evidence and, in the final act, a drunken knife fight.

5) "Halfway House" Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Keifer Sutherland and 'Moondog,' a fat 19-year-old thrown out of is Fraternity for alcohol abuse, live together in a house and fight to keep their sobriety. The house is stocked with bars, waitresses roam with trays of Jell-O shots and Britney sings Karaoke every morning at 7am. Once a housemate starts drinking, they do NOT leave the house. Last person sober wins $10,000 in credit at The Hard Rock Café Bar in Las Vegas.

6) "$10,000 in credit at The Hard Rock In Vegas" We watch the fun as the winner of "Halfway House" spirals out of control as he/she blows through their $10,000 Prize.

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7) "Holey Cow!" A black curtain with a waist high hole hangs in the center of the stage. Male Contestants are told that on the other side of the hole is either their wife, Britney Spears or livestock. 3 minutes into sodomizing the mystery opening the contestant must declare whom he believes he is inside of. Once answering, the curtain is pulled apart revealing who or what he is inside of. If the man was right, he gets $1,000,000. If he is wrong, he must stop fornicating and either:
-Go to jail for performing lewd acts with an animal
-Get divorced for having cheated on his wife with Britney Spears
-Go home with his wife to face the consequences of having been unable to recognize her vagina.