06/24/2015 09:55 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

When You Say, 'I Hate (Fill in the Blank),' You Declare What You Are

Admit it to yourself... you've done it in the past and maybe you're doing now to me.

"I hate so and so because they blah, blah, blahed to me!"

I've done it many times in the past. Sometimes even now, I catch myself beginning to utter those words when something intensely negative happens to me or others. When was the last time you uttered those words? Be honest in your quiet... you are safe in your private vulnerability.

Where does that kind of thought process get us? To the same place where we judge others to be. Hate. Yuk. Think of a whirlpool now. Water spiraling down to a place unknown where we may perish an agonizing death. Precisely how negative thinking works. You get stuck in the spiral and it becomes seemingly impossible to climb back out and survive.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a conversation with someone I admire. The person said, "I hate him because he only thinks of himself. He never helps anyone else and he never helps me."

Think about it. None of us is in the mind of another. It is impossible for any of us to know what thoughts another human has... not even close. A mind of a human has tens of thousands of thoughts each day with very few of them ever being voiced. How can anyone know what another is thinking? You cannot. You have no earthly idea what anyone else is going through which is how people get to the place of doing what they do. When you declare that another thinks a certain way, then you are judging them.

"Before you judge me, first make sure you are perfect." -- Unknown

Not only are we not in the mind of another, nor are we with them in every moment of their existence. Someone may not do for you what you want them to do, but you do not know what they do for others. Perhaps another person thinks you do not need help. Perhaps another person has a fear about helping you because they think you will judge them because that is what they see you do. Who knows? See the process becoming a whirlpool?

Try taking these steps when you find yourself in a whirlpool of negativity around another human:

  1. Stop making stuff up in your head.
  2. Do not think about your past with them.
  3. Do not think about how your future may be with them.
  4. Stay in the present moment.
  5. Ask the other human what he or she is thinking and do not judge the answer.
  6. Tell the other human what your most intense fear is with regards to them. And yes, you have at least one.
  7. Forgive them even if you think you are totally in the "right" and they are in the "wrong." (Which by the way could be the subject of a post all by itself and most likely will be).
  8. Smile.

I went through a break up with someone years ago. Not realizing it at the time, I hated her for "what she did to me". I would not admit the anger towards her and kept telling myself that I was incapable of hate. I was lying to my soul. I was lying to the Universe and paid a price for my actions. I don't regret any of it because I have learned lessons about life and can reflect upon them as a reference on how I would like to be. With these lessons of stepping into my personal vulnerabilities, I can practice love every day and delete hate from my mind.

We cannot hate anyone anymore. There do exist humans on this planet who can easily be hated, but hating someone... anyone... does not produce anything but more hate. What happened in Charleston, South Carolina recently is a prime example. Yet, what is happening now in Charleston, is also an example of what Love can do especially when it comes to the healing process.

In my own little world, I cannot hate anyone anymore. The word itself is even hard to type. So, I follow the process of what I spoke about in one of my earlier HuffPost posts: "Booting People Out of Your Life? Some Must Go -- Some Have Time Limits."

Photo by Greg Frucci

Try an experiment. The next human you run into who does or says something which sends you down the path of negativity, whether you know them or not... have a conversation without judgment. Just listen to what they say. If after a while, you still feel like they are crazy, wrong, filled with hate or anything else negative, just smile and walk away leaving them in your dust. My guess is that those humans will be few. Once you get to the core of another, you just might make a friend.

Are you Love... or are you Hate?